Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion on the verge of tears

I'm hoping I can find assistance. My son just turned 9 and is currently in a 4th grade gifted class. He tested early into kindergarten and in the beginning of 2nd grade we had him tested. He did the Cogat testing where he scored 92 in verbal, 96 non verbal, 98 quantative and 97 composite. We had him go through three different schools before finding this one. He excelled and his teacher was great. Last year he was physically assaulted at school by another child and we were never notified. We didn't know about it until the other kids mom called to apologize. My husband and I made a big deal about it and it was obvious our son no longer trusted his teacher. This year they have both 3rd and 4th grade divided into two gifted classes and this teacher is one of the teachers. My once happy and smiling child is now failing math because he can't show his work. They all do the same thing just one grade higher. Because he gets the answer right...but doesn't show his work I'm being told he doesn't know how to do it and will have to redo it. He has now given up. In English they are reading The Rats Of NiMH but he would rather read about Einstein or Franklin or about nuclear reactors and Chemistry. He is beginning to do poorly in that class. His classes are large and chaotic...but his teachers want him tested for ADHD. I don't know how to help him. The teachers say he has to "master" these before he can "move on". My 9 year old now says he's stupid and he wishes he was never born. I don't think I've ever felt so alone or been so stressed. I just want him to be happy.

Reaching out with great sympathy for you and your family. I know from personal experience that watching your child struggle is so very hard. But you seem to be proactive and caring parents with the right goals for your son (being happy)... and that's going to make a world of difference.

I'm not sure I have enough data to give you specific advice, but you may consider the following:

1. A "come to Jesus" meeting with the school (after all, the unreported physical assault, lack of trust and emotional support, etc. are bigger issues than just an academic problem).

2. It may be time to start looking at school options, again. Since you've already taken that ride once, I'd suggest looking further outside the box this time.

3. You might look for a therapist for your son who specializes in gifted issues. This person can not only help your child process difficult feelings, but can also assess and provide an outside point of view that you can use in advocating with the school.

OH MY! Will he have the same teacher next year? (if he toughs it out this year will he get a new beginning next? or more of the same?). Can he 'show his work' with a math problem to you? He might just think it's silly busywork to write all that down when he already KNOWS the answer. Maybe if you tell him that his teacher would like to know the steps he takes to get to the answer so that she can learn from him how he thinks! It's always shocking when someone who is specifically teaching gifted classes can't think outside the box. Sorry your going through this!! Have you talked to the principal?

This issue is in a different league to the other ones you mention. That's a bad environment regardless of what else is going on.

I am so very sorry your poor little guy is having this struggle. The one thing I will say is that you are NOT alone. I had an almost identical conversation with my DS as he cried himself to sleep last night. He said he was "Born to be stupid, mean, angry and bad." He also said he never feels happy and is always bored in school. Sadly - that last sentence is probably pretty accurate right now.

But I tell him I'll teach him anything he wants to learn. That usually perks him up a bit - tonight we're going to talk about powers (exponents in math). That got him out of bed and dressed this morning.

And all the time I just give him tons of unconditional love. I tell him he is NOT stupid, that his brain is amazing, that I love him forever and all the time. Even when he is angry or being "mean."

For what it's worth, I think our kids quickly get conditioned not to complain about what's really bothering them. Teachers don't respond well to "I'm bored." I expect the only response to that is usually essentially "tough luck." And the response to "it's too hard to sit here and listen and be still" is DEFINITELY "tough luck." So I try hard to let DS talk about this stuff without necessarily offering solutions or suggestions that he knows won't really help. I just tell him I understand, I've been there too, and I'm so sorry it's so hard right now.

Also - when I can - I also complain about boredom, irritation, frustration in my day. And then I try to role model letting it go - which I'm not really that good at. But sometimes he even coaches me. "Mom, I think it's time to think about something happy, don't you?" So maybe it's working a little ....

This isn't helpful, since now I'm just venting about the same problem! But I really want you to know you're not alone, and that's why this Davidson resource is so very, very important to us.

Oh and - we aren't yet to the dreaded "show your work" place in school, but I know this will be a monumental obstacle for DS.

My son was punched in the sternum after he defended a child being bullied. The teacher said my son was fine so she didn't do anything. My son hada bruise on his chest. That same teacher is one of his teachers this year and that same kkid who punched now sits across from him in class.

We were very proud of our son and even the mom of the bullied kid called to thank him. My son is a year younger than the other kids so we put him in karate to help teach him how to defend himself. I may have to move him to another school that's the only class for gifted kids his age.

DD had the same issue at her old school. There was only one class per grade, so there was no way to separate her from the boy who kept tormenting her. Inevitably she'd end up in trouble when she finally lost her cool at him. And despite the fact that there was only one teacher per grade, they couldn't be bothered passing along any information to the next year's teacher (like which children had issues with each other).

She also complained about too many kids in the class. She used to say the noise and chaos drove her crazy.

I've said before that the marketing and labeling schools do doesn't matter (gifted, accelerated, charter, STEM, etc.). An educational mismatch is a mismatch and either the school needs to address it or you will have to. It's hard to have something that sounds so right (gifted class!) and have it not work out, but many of us have the ongoing experience of the thing that worked for a while then stops working.

I seriously just came across a woman who's daughter is in the same class and they have the same exact issues!!! I'm feeling so much better knowing I'm not a bad parent and my son isn't a bad kid!

I would look to move to a different school, in your position. We have in fact, moved school thrice for a combination of reasons and my son is in 2nd grade now.

As for the "show your work" thing: my DS is very strong in mental math and it does not make sense to him to show work where the answer is very obvious. He got 15 points taken off his last math test because he wrote the final answers and did not show his work - for obvious questions like "Timmy has $40 and wants to buy a book that cost $12 and a toy for $23 - can he afford them?". He is so used to scoring well in math that the points taken off mattered a lot to him.
We are using his homework sheets to brainstorm how to show his work - we use number lines, write descriptive sentences or even pictures to illustrate the "show your work" thing. It is not ideal, but, my DS is beginning to realize that his math scores depend on these things and he is willing to work at it now.