Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy What age for DC to choose school situation?

I know this will vary wildly, being so child and circumstance specific, but I'm looking for advice on how old is old enough for DC to get a substantive vote on how they are schooled. We have both DC in a private school that should be working out, but really isn't. I'm weighing a school change, hiring a tutor(s) to homeschool, and increasing my advocacy at the present school. There are pros & cons to all of those choices and those pros & cons are different for each child. I haven't reached a decision, myself, about the best option, which adds to the murk. I don't want to offload the ultimate decision onto DC. I am the adult and it's my job to determine the best viable option in all of the circumstances. I do, though, value their input and recognize that they are the ones most directly affected by this decision. So how much input is too much? At some stage do I present the options acceptable to me and let them make the call? Or is that putting too much pressure on them, regardless of age?

Thinking more about my past practice, I let DD6 choose between 2 preschools when she was 2, because both were acceptable and she could clearly articulate sound reasons for her preference. She was right, as it turns out. I also (unsuccessfully) sought a grade skip for her at her request, with the caveat that testing supported her position. Probably for her I'm a bit afraid to put the question, since what I suspect she wants (and likely needs) will be exceedingly difficult to deliver.

DS8 is a different challenge. He would probably choose to homeschool, given the choice, but I wonder if he thinks he could avoid working on his second E in that scenario. He has historically rejected other school options for the heartbreaking reason that he 'expects it would be worse', but that answer is driven by anxiety. I worry about the 'why' of his choice, but perhaps I'm not giving him enough credit.

I think the three-way vote and monthly meetings are both good ideas - thank you for sharing them.

Down with ageism.

How about:
"What skills and maturity markers should indicate how much input a kid should have in their schooling?"

So, if I have a brilliant but short-sighted and impulsive kid, then I solicit situational feedback and make the adult decision. If they are long-sighted and thoughtful and able to weigh pros and cons and consider the value of the situation for their future self, then they should be a key party to the decision. If the decision is fuzzy with conflicting rational points, then I'd take the burden as the one whose unconscious experience is providing secondary feelings to it.

We've discussed the pros and cons of various schooling situations (most recently private vs homeschooling vs partial homeschooling in private), and explained that they have to be on-board for any particular setting to work. And what on-board will look like, behaviorally. Their long-term happiness, growth as human beings, and relationship with their parents are also explicitly higher priorities than academic advancement. We explain our reasoning, ask for input, collaborate on potential solutions, but ultimately make the decisions.

ETA: We also don't close the door on changing settings mid-year.

I think it's worth considering that some children at some stages would be overburdened by the responsibility of making the decision. I find that the shift in responsibility takes place gradually, during the collaborative part of decision-making, as input transforms from expressing feelings, to opinions, to reasons, to presenting a proposal.

You're right, Zen Scanner. I think my real problem is not wanting to explain to DS8 why his younger sister gets more input into these decisions than he does! I may take her to the next acceleration meeting, since she'll make an excellent case for herself, but I'm still waffling on having DS8 in an IEP meeting.

I frequently discover, when I post, that I'm the one with the problem, not my DC. Which does make me a better advocate, albeit an abashed one!

We have a DD9 who insisted on choosing her own clothes when she was 3 mos old, so giving her a voice and a vote on a wide array of issues has been a survival mechanism for us as parents. If we didn't, I'm pretty sure she'd be plotting to destroy us. Instead, she's mostly happy to work with us.

When it comes to something big and life changing like schooling decisions, we do encourage our DD to weigh in with her perspectives, and we do take them into account. But we always let her know that DW and I will be the ones to make the decision. We don't want her putting an unnecessary burden of responsibility on herself if the decision doesn't work out for the best... it's OUR fault, not hers. If we're homeschooling her, and DW is having a suboptimal day, we don't want DD thinking, "OMIGOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!" This reaction would be very typical of her, but we generally wouldn't burden any young child with this sort of thing, regardless of individual personality.

DD is in public school again, and infrequently says she'd prefer to be homeschooled, but at the moment the positives in her school experience outweigh the negatives.

What Dude and ZS said.

Also-- aeh has lovely thoughtful advice as usual.

We, too, have a child with a high need for agency/control/autonomy, though it can manifest as a mosaic in her everyday life. Some situations, she requires no input, and others she is deeply oppositional and suspicious/uncooperative without it. It's a bit unpredictable. We've learned to take the temperature with any major decision so that we don't accidentally assume that she won't care about something we've decided (or a choice that we think is rather obviously one-sided in terms of merit/risk).

After a completely failed advocacy meeting, DD7 said "Don't make me go back there." So we didn't. After four months of homeschooling through on online school she said "I'm so lonely - I want to learn in a classroom." So we found her one. After another two years we suggested looking at school alternatives and she agreed, and when we toured she school she now attends she said "I need to start here RIGHT NOW." We did make her wait until after the Christmas holidays (another 6 weeks) to give her time to think about it.

To be clear, there is an element of false choice here. We decided how to proceed with homeschool. We found the school placement she went to (there weren't a lot of public options we could leverage mid-year). We chose the schools to tour. We wouldn't have suggested a completely inappropriate option, based on our opinions. So her choices were directed by us at a higher level.

It never occurred to us that she wouldn't get some input. And while not every situation was perfect or stayed good, each choice was much better than the prior situation. She has a good track record. And even the imperfect parts were more tolerable to her because she had some ownership in the decision.

We have told DD8 (who is somewhat anxious) that the final decision is ours, as her parents, but that we will absolutely take her preferences into account, and that the more clearly and cogently she can explain her preferences, the more weight they will have in our decision.