Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Books FOR strong-willed children?

Books for what age range?

On the "seeing things from parent/authority viewpoint", not a lot is immediately coming to mind. (Though you might have success looking in world literature/world folktales rather than than in Western literature, as a lot of non-Western cultures put more emphasis on conforming to community norms and respecting parental authority.) I'd be curious about any suggestions other posters have.

Meantime, I might approach this slantwise, starting with books that promote seeing other viewpoints, and the surprise/charm of taking a different point of view, and for older kids, incorporating messages of responsibility and diplomacy. For instance, picture books that come to mind:
Zen Shorts, Jon Muth
Goha, the Wise Fool, Denys Johnson-Davies
Chloe and the Lion, Mac Barnett and Adam Rex
Rumpelstiltskin's Daughter, Diane Stanley
For middle grades:
The Landry News, Andrew Clements (need to have mercy along with passion for truth)
the "Rabbi Harvey" books, Steve Sheinkin (cleverness/diplomacy win out)
Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH, Robert O'Brien (because the mom is a hero)
Heart of a Shepard, Rosanne Parry (themes of responsibility, religion/religious calling, and being a soldier's child)
Middle school:
Gilgamesh the Hero, Geraldine McCaughrean (some great stuff along with some more mature content)
The Watsons Go to Birmingham - 1963, Christopher Paul Curtis (civil rights, authoritative parents)
To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee (because the dad is a hero)
The Sword in the Stone, T.H. White (heroism, responsibility, doing what is right)
Watership Down, Richard Adams (what makes a good society)

Anne of Green Gables.

I have a very strong willed DS8. This quality is nothing that I want to squelch. As others have pointed out, being strong willed offers protection through peer pressure and I just think being strong willed is a great quality as an adult. We love independence in our house and encourage it as much as possible, even if the child is contrary and extremely strong willed.

As often as possible, we offer natural consequences in our house because, like your son, I also don't see the benefits of doing what your parents ask just because they asked. To use a couple of your examples, if DS doesn't want to go to sleep, fine. Stay up. But that alarm is going off at 7 and the thing that he wanted to do at 8 is going to be much more pleasurable with a full night's sleep. (And by they way, just saying, "Fine. You don't have to go to sleep.", pretty much ends the battle. DS usually falls asleep 10 mins after he says, "I'm staying up for a couple of hours.")

DS doesn't have to ever put his books away. But if they are left out or on the floor, they will be donated to the nearest used bookstore. If we are about to have dinner, only non readers are allowed at our table. (And only non whiners are allowed at our table too. He is free to whine all he wants in his bedroom. Or he can purchase his own table and whine while sitting at it.)

DS doesn't ever have to get dressed. But he is going to probably feel really embarrassed when his friend's mom pulls up in our driveway and everyone sees him in his underwear.

I doubt a child like yours or mine is going to find anything valuable in a book such as the one you seek. Sorry, but I think it's a good thing!

I think I would sit down (with him) and list his day from beginning to end as a list of tasks he has to do and time when he has a bit of free time choice (I am all about the visual aids).

Then for everything I would make notes about that task....is it optional or mandatory? Does it interfere with other people in the family? Does it have to be done that way.

My young kids had to eat breakfast and brush teeth in pjs. It was the rule and the reason behind it was they only had x number of school clothes and the breakfast and toothpaste always ended up all over them.

So I came up with that order...once they could manage to eat 99% of the time spill free and brush teeth without major toothpaste mess, they dictated they order.

I would then go through the list and ask...what would make brushing teeth less of a problem for you? My older son does better with a spin tooth brush and toothpaste he picks out...all about a bit of control with strong willed kids...not that they can get out of doing it but that they have input and their opinion is listened to.

We can't budge here (you can't have an hour in the bathroom)...but here is what we can do.

Let's try these changes for a week and comeback together...you take notes on your copy of the schedule/plan and I'll make notes and then (when he want to whine you can tell him to "make a note of that" for the meeting.

Controlled choices and control....not running the show, but feeling autonomy and listened to.

Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle series might be good.

I had the exact same thought. She was the original Love and Logic.

We have a couple of "codes" we use after discussing them with DD. One of them is "wall". I'm not even completely sure of the logic behind it anymore, but I think it was that she becomes so engrossed in the battle she forgets why she's arguing and crashes into the wall... I think. Or maybe it's because I've been known to make her stand with her nose on the wall when she engages in a battle of wills while I'm tutoring someone else. Anyhow. She usually stops.

The other is "stop spending my dimes." When she was very young I gave her 10 dimes and every time she argued I took a time. I explained that I only had so many dimes to spend a day myself, and when I ran out, I didn't have any energy left to "spend" doing fun stuff with her. Somehow that seemed concrete.

At 9, she does better with the controlled choices others have described above. When she used a "bad" word (picked up from my mother, long story), she began full scale battle against a 10 minute time out. So I said, "what would be appropriate". She decided to come up with 25 written alternatives to the word she'd used. She looked them up, wrote them neatly and said, "that was interesting."

I did read (for me) 10 Days to Less Defiant Child, which was about 60% relevant and mostly about how to phrase things so as to not escalate a situation.

good luck.

The problem with literature featuring disobedient children is they're usually the protagonists.

Which makes them very interesting to our son.

A recent study on how to encourage honesty in children found that showing negative consequences for lying did not work, but showing positive consequences for being truthful did. Just throwing that out there. Otherwise, no advice. I have one of these, and the other likes to copy her just to drive me closer to the brink. I assume.

I may be tired. Ahem. I recently instituted a "Do one request without arguing per day" rule, if that gives you an idea.