Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Impulse control and the strong willed child

DS7 seems to struggle with what I think most would call impulse control. It seems to be worse at home (especially this summer?!) but can be an issue at camps, etc. He is very strong willed and nothing I try seems to really help. It is worse when he is at loose ends. Examples... Throwing his stuffed animals at me as I leave his room, kicking over his brother's toys, elbowing me at church. He is usually sorry but only after punishment and or a long lecture. We have basically banned computer/iPad use for the foreseeable future.

Has anyone had success in teaching better control without a complex rewards system? It is causing a lot of stress...

Is he hyperactive as well? If so I'd consider an ADHD assessment. (not everyone with ADHD has impulse issues, for example those who mainly have troubles focusing. But there is one subtype where impulsivity and hyperactivity are the main symptoms).

I have found this book to be invaluable in dealing with my strong willed children (and strong willed adults too): http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0770436595?pc_redir=1406967840&robot_redir=1

Basically, to be effective, you have to not take the behavior personally, make immediate consequences, make the consequences as natural as possible and be consistent, consistent, consistent.

He doesn't seem to be hyperactive. When he had his assessment (he's PG), the center didn't think they saw signs of any second E (they are pretty experienced in that regard). They did note that we should watch his executive functioning and seek assistance if needed. We had a ridiculous experience with a local counselor about two years ago (three visits to meet with him and not a bit of working with him on anything). So I hesitate to head down that road...

To give you some feedback, long lectures are not at all advisable, banning devices for extended periods, I don't find, to be effective. I struggled with this behavior in my children too, but I really am quite good at managing almost anything that comes my way because of the book that I posted above.

Somewhereonearth, thank you. I just reserved it from our local library. We've gone through several parenting books with limited luck. Maybe this one will do the trick.

Good to know. We are not sure about the devices. He absolutely loves apps and games, but we see worse behavior (and a lot of "can I use it again???") the minute they are out of his hands, which doesn't exactly make us think they are doing him any favors. It would certainly be easier to just let him play those more often.

DD9 is extremely strong willed, although I would say her way of acting out is more verbal, than physical. She often "talks back" like a teenager, despite the fact that she is NOT a teen! She looses toys, privileges, goes to time out - and she STILL talks back at home. I would say, overall, she has always been a bit impulsive, although she seems to be controlling this at school (she had a harder time with this at school when younger, as in act first and think later).

DD is intense - everything is BIG with her. Big feelings - whether happy or sad. She can be a blast to be around when she is happy (best big laugh, ever), but when she's not - no fun.

DH and I find ourselves "having serious talks" with her often, but she often just doesn't seem to take them to heart.

One thing that DOES seem to work is praising DS6 within earshot of her for being kind. We do not usually do this on purpose (we are usually just trying to reinforce DS's good behavior), but this DOES seem to make DD stop and think...if only briefly.

I wish I had more suggestions, but we are trying to figure this out, too.

I have no idea if this means anything: when DD took the WISC, she had a very high processing score, combined with an average (but much lower than other scores) working memory. Her reasoning scores are also very high (particularly the VERBAL). I guess why this struck me was how her mouth sometimes moves quicker, than her "pause button." That is, it made me wonder if she is not somehow "wired" to be a quick talker, quick thinker - but perhaps NOT with the best impulse control. Still, we continue to work on it. She is NOT a patient person, and we are trying to teach patience. At times, yes - it is stressful.

I feel for you- here's something that happened yesterday if it sounds familiar. DS7 great day, all day, except:

At bedtime, he had to be told five times to brush teeth, power struggle, DS impulsively threw the toothbrush, and called me a name (he did this after we explained there would be consequences for not listening). After 12 hours of consistently good behavior, he lost today's privileges for a situation that lasted under a minute.

I think you're getting excellent advice on how to handle your situation- we struggle too. When DS was younger, our home life could be frankly unpleasant between the emotional outbursts, tantrums, defiance, and impulsive behavior.

While I certainly think you might explore this with a professional, particularly if your son is acting out frequently in other venues, it doesn't seem all that unusual. We have 4 or 5 friends with gifted children, and most have been a major challenge in this regard (strong willed, emotional, impulsive).

You might consider underlying emotional challenges- mine doesn't switch gears easily, and if he's tired, will become fixated and defiant. He also freezes up then blows if he senses we are frustrated with him-because he's unwilling to act out in school, he may become withdrawn and tearful if he is corrected or reprimanded. His mind is moving all the time, and he wants constant feedback on his "projects' and answers to his constant of questions. His feelings get hurt if we insist that he be independent- he responds by pestering because he feels insecure if we're not 100% focused on him.

All of this can look a lot like ADD, I think it's asynchrocity and immaturity- and more pronounced in an intense, gifted personality. It is also anxiety- anecdotally, a common trait in gifted kids.

We've also found that (gently) limiting electronics more naturally (as in-- look, you have these other things to do-- time to set that aside for a bit) has generally resulted in MUCH better emotional regulation.

DD was usually more mouthy than physical in her outbursts, but she can really be challenging.

Here's the other thing to bear in mind, though-- are you VERY VERY sure that you aren't placing expectations of development on your child which are more in line with their cognitive developmental level and not their emotional or chronological one?

That is, I'm not sure that the behavior is all that atypical for 7yo children-- of either gender. They DO tend to have poor impulse control at this age. Period.

At 9 or 10, not as much. But it's so hard to remember that an HG 7yo is still just... seven. KWIM?

Particularly when the mouth on that child is making you think "fourteen" rather than "seven." (Oy. I feel anyone's pain in THAT regard.)

We tried all manner of extrinsic reward systems over the years. The bottom line is that DD regards all such systems as made to be broken, and inherently manipulative. She has always responded that way-- with defiance and even WORSE behavior. Maybe she is right. I don't know-- I guess it's a matter of perspective, but it is a little like operant conditioning rather than behavioral shaping with a full partner, when you get right down to it.

With such a child, I say-- ditch those reward and punishment systems. NOW. Do not look back, do not listen to how well they work for others. Trust yourself and be secure in the knowledge that in spite of what others think, they will NOT work with the child YOU are parenting.

My DD was, even at 4-5yo, very much her own little person. When she was "good" it was difficult to even fathom the kind of behavior she was capable of dishing out when she was bad. Truly. She saved that kind of behavior for me (and to a lesser extent, her other parent). The hardest part about that was that it was so lonely as a parent-- I could tell that others who SAW her in various settings were bemused by our apparent raggedness, in light of this delightful compliant and helpful child THEY got to see.

No real advice other than waiting it out and using natural consequences-- and explaining them.