Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DD is out of control- what's going on?

Our DD (now 11) acted extremely similarly when her school situation was inappropriate. While allergies, illness, etc. can also be a factor, I'd take a closer look at the school. Here are a few things to think about:

Intellectually gifted doesn't necessarily mean having additional physical maturity. The long days might just be too much, particularly if the academic level is still not appropriate. So she went from "relax and play all day" to "have to sit still and work and work, but not on anything interesting."

K - 2nd is a time of major physiological changes. When our DD was in these classes, we needed to constantly advocate for things like snack time (so she didn't crash and flip out in class -- you'd think teachers would understand this sort of thing).

Some of the things you describe sound like perfectionism and performance anxiety. Maybe being in the higher classes has given her the idea that she has to be perfect in all areas, or that there's something wrong with her because she's still not happy, or that by complaining she will disappoint you after you got her into this special situation. If she was anticipating that this would finally give her something interesting to learn, it might just be crushing for her to realize that that's not the case.

Finally, she could be feeling abnormal. It's hard doing things that are different from the other kids and it's hard being younger.

KathrynH had a very wise point about a perfect storm of factors contributing to this as well.

When my son was that age, it was the pull-outs. I didn't know anything about it until the teacher reported that he refused to read for the reading specialist and banged his head on the desk. They concluded he couldn't read but he was reading Harry Potter at home.

I asked him what was going on in a non-confrontational, matter-of-fact way. He said that he was pulled out of the classroom in the middle of an activity. It didn't matter that the activity was below his skill level; it mattered that he wanted to be there working with his friends and that pulling him out made him feel weird. He needed the social stimulation MORE than the intellectual stimulation.

That was a trend that continued when we moved to California and discussed putting him in third grade here. He decided he would rather be with his age-mates, even if it meant being bored. Since then, he has matured a fair bit and now he is ready to be with his intellectual peers; again, according to him.

The other thing I noticed is that the pull-outs come at the end of the day. That is the worst time for my son as he has been thinking all day already and is ready to just ease back.

One more anecdata:
My son told his first-grade teacher at 9AM that he needed a break; she responded with, "You just got here!" She was talking about that school day; he was talking about a regression period. He needed to take a few steps back in order to digest what he had been taught. I only know that because it is a recurring theme for us and usually he will ask for a burrito wrap when life has gotten to that point.

When he does, we use his blanket and burrito wrap him, and he takes it easy with school for a couple of days. It only takes a day or two before he's ready for a new challenge but he NEEDS that downtime to process.

The anger and irritability, combined with constant eating, makes me think you should rule out hyperthyroidism (Graves). It's rare in children but very worth ruling out with a simple blood test.

http://www.gdatf.org/about/about-graves-disease/children-graves/

Oh yea, we have one of these, so I'm right there with you and I feel your pain! I see a lot of similarities in your post. DD8 is great at school and most other places (if DH and I aren't around), but as soon as we get her in the car to come home it starts - massive attitude, defiance, total drama! Consequences don't work and no amount of reasoning does any good. You can ask her to do something very simple like pick her wet towel up off the floor and - WHAM - it starts.
It has escalated over the last several months to the point that DH and I are trying to figure out if we need to get her into therapy or something. My stress level is sky high and I feel like we really need to get a handle on what is going on for the sake of everyone in the family. Like you, we can't find a counselor/therapist within a reasonable distance that has any experience in giftedness, so we are either stuck with dealing on our own or trying out someone that "thinks" they can help.
She eats very little, and is a picky eater to boot. We don't let her snack too much in the hopes that she will eat more at mealtimes, but maybe we need to let her snack more.
I don't think she has any allergies - no obvious symptoms anyway. DH and I have discussed trying to eliminate some things from our family diet to see if that changes anything, but that seems so daunting to me.
Good luck and hang in there!

I'm sorry. My child has had moments like that and it is very stressful. When it was school related, the worst behavior was right after school ended and then the behavior usually was better as the evening went on.

I agree that it sounds like it could be a growth spurt (the hunger part). If so, that is normal.

However, I really also think it sounds like a doctor appointment is in order to figure out the allergies and if there may be another issue. She may need to see a specialist to have a plan for treatment. Although the educational fit also may need to be addressed, I think if she feels crummy, everything else is going to be harder than it needs to be.

It may be a combination of things, but I think a doctor visit would be my first priority. Good luck!

Check her allergy meds. Seriously, they can have this effect. MY DS was a moody irritated mess on Zyrtec (my friend just happened to mention he was acting like her child when he was on Zyrtec and I looked at the side efftcts and it is actually a listed side effect). There is another med that is notorious for causing quite severe behavioral problems... I forget the name of it but my niece is on it. I decline to have DS try it because the behavioral stuff was just too risky. I'll text my brother and find out what the name is and post back.

Singulair (monolukast sodium) is what you are thinking of.

It works really well for a lot of people but does cause issues with some kids. I was aware of the side effects before we started using it, it worked well for DC for a while with no behavior issues. Then we had to switch to a different generic (insurance issues), and then there were behavior issues so we discontinued and asked the doctor for other choices. There are a lot of choices for allergy and asthma meds and it really all depends on the person which one will work with the least side effects.

Yes that's it! I have to say, I have even tried meds knowing there could be behavioral issues and then still wondered why my DS was acting up. Over Christmas break I tried a med with DS and specifically waited until Christmas break b/c I knew it could cause side effects like that and then still neglected to make the connection that DS was being a terror because of that. Often, for me, it is not intuitive or obvious... At the end of two weeks, it dawned on me "Oh wait, could this be the meds?" Of course, when we took him off of it, he was totally back to himself. It's like certain drugs take his regular irritations and annoyances and amps them up so high... Anyway, definitely something to look into!

The OP's DD shares three traits with my DD9 at that same age: giftedness, extroversion, perfectionism, and explosive behaviors. And they were all very closely related. The first two traits were placed in direct opposition with each other during her school day... she desperately wanted to learn something new, and she desperately wanted to have peer friends in school. She had a teacher who was forcing her to choose between the two. She could either sit by herself at the computer and learn something while the rest of the kids did a group activity, or she could join with the group and learn nothing.

Either way, she was going to have her needs go unmet. And she was never going to let her frustration show, because of her perfectionism... the idea of getting her clip moved down was horrifying to her, and she felt it important to be the best-behaved child in class.

It was this bottling up of her frustrations all day that exhausted our DD mentally, and caused her to boil over the moment she got home.

So, my advice to you would be, don't assume the reason your DD is exhausted is because of the writing.

Also, one of the ways she needed us to deal with this was to give her some serious downtime at home. We scaled way back on her organized activities and just let her play. Your DD's lying about the number of times she's practiced a piano piece may be a way of trying to tell you she needs to scale back, too.

The way I think of it the 'normal' stages are not in the same order for us. So, in general, it seems to me that however it happens that the gifted brain is so far advanced, that independent, intense characteristic is right there with it (the good with the not so fun right now). Or, I think of it as the adolescent stage getting out of the way early and then when everyone else is going through adolescence we are working on our dream paths whatever those passion might be. The hardest part is that when you are in groups the gifted behavior can stand out especially if the child is highly verbal with strong lungs. The sensitivities issue (which I think is what the author was trying to express in the famous story, the princess and the pea) becomes a real asset as an adult. Think of all of the 'unique' people who sense things differently. What is unbelievable to me is that after all of this time (kinda the there is nothing new under the sun theory), these kids are still so misunderstood and it is so sad. It is probably a true statement that the smarter the child, the more challenging to raise. Also, I have found that it should all be traceable within the family and that it didn't just come out of nowhere. And, it is really important to pass on the details to all related generations so that they can maximize their happiness factor. I read a statistic a while ago that 71% of gifted/highly gifted people never have a child. The childhood can be very challenging; it is not easy. Look for what triggers your child's unhappiness. Gifted children are very sensitive to the feeling of being controlled. It is also probably a true statement that there will be many intense power struggles, so I guess the answer is to provide a safe environment in which everyone knows the boundaries but the child feels like she has control of her day, her choices within your parameters. It is exhausting as you have no doubt experienced and read. Just one of those power struggles can zap you, so you have to gather yourself and sort of stay one step ahead by anticipating what the child's reaction is going to be in a certain situation. I am guessing that it may have been easier in olden days when families were on farms, but now that people are altogether in cities and surrounding suburbs, it can be such a dilemma because you have to the best parent to that child and you have to 'fit' into society at large. It is all about balancing everything for the gifted child until the child learns how to balance themselves. You are doing the right thing with a solid sleep schedule. Focus on all of the positives. Don't let anyone make you feel badly if your child can get overstimulated. All of those feelings that she has will be assets to her in her future. Help her to spend her day doing what she loves as long as it figures into the family plan if at all possible. Maybe someone at Davidson knows more info. that can help you. I think you are right on top of it. Hang in there.