Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy What to say to my 4 year old - perfectionism issue

My DD is almost 4 1/2. She has not been tested yet. (That is another question.)
She loves art (drawing and coloring). Lately though, when she is coloring, if she goes VERY slightly outside the lines she will have a little melt down and will not finish that picture. I try to tell her that it doesn't have to be perfect. "You are doing great. Even mommy and daddy color outside the lines sometimes." But she will not listen to that.
What else can I tell her? What words would you use?

hi, and welcome!

as a preface, if you search the board for perfectionism, you'll probably find LOADS of great advice. everyone here is so amazing and they've been through a lot of this kind of stuff.

closer to home, we have big problems with perfectionism with our girl (nearly 6) and have had since she hit Pre-K last year. it whacked us between the eyes, seemingly out of nowhere and it is a BEAST to deal with, so all the sympathy in the world for you and your bean - it's a tough road.

a few questions come to mind: is this a new behaviour? does she only melt down with this one thing, or is it more generalized?

i ask because if it's only just beginning, it might be being fed by something you may be able to pinpoint, and it might be easier to manage if you can go after it from the source. we wound up having to review all of DD's activities as well as her school environment - and we're still fighting it every single day, even though she's now homeschooling and generally greatly improved.

talky stuff:

we have emphasized the importance of drafts. that took a while, but she's really behind it now. i got her some REALLY good erasers (those white plastic ones) and a variety of artists' pencils in varying hardnesses. (the harder the graphite, the lighter they mark - makes for easy erasing until you're pleased with the shape.) we also looked at a lot of artists' drafts online, and talked about writers' drafts and editing and all sorts of related stuff.

we have talked SO much with her about how much perfectionism holds her back. stops her from seeing what she's made of. stops her from soaring. she's been frustrated by her own limitations, sure, but then we bring back the concept of multiple drafts. we praise the process, rather than the product up the wazoo.

"i like how you really worked to get that part of your flower the way you imagined it." "i can see how hard you are working to get your ideas out on paper." that kind of thing.

we have talked ad nauseam about how mistakes grow the brain more than doing something right the first time. DD is still sceptical about mistakes being good for anything, but she is massively competitive and wants to have the BEST brain ever, sooooo... i totally use that fact against her when she's on the precipice of a meltdown. cool book, btw: Your Fantastic Elastic Brain: Bend It, Shape It" by Dr. JoAnn Deak - might be just right for your DD.

practical stuff:

a bit of background for this next idea... in double-harness with the perfectionism, DD5 has had a problem with self-harm (from all i've read, she is an extreme outlier in this, so while this is relevant to this practical thing we've started doing, let me reassure you that it's NOT typical!)

because her reactions are so harmful, it is essential she replaces the meltdown behaviour with something innocuous. we tried a few things like coins in the pocket to play with and a paperclip to twist (ouch, not that one!), but the one that has stuck is wearing a hair elastic every day as a "bracelet." instead of hurting herself, she can harmlessly snap the elastic instead whenever she's feeling that rush of perfectionistic adrenaline. it seems to give her enough time to be able to choose not to totally lose it, you know? we've noticed that it's much easier for her to refocus with that little fail-safe in place.

maybe some kind of replacement behaviour might also help your DD?

all the best!

When dd4 went through a similar phase about a year ago, my sister (a teacher) suggested the Beautiful Oops book. The book is funny and creative and dd really enjoyed it. After that, whenever she made a mistake, I would say beautiful oops, lets see if you can turn this into something wonderful. While we still had some meltdowns, it usually cheered her up and focused her energy on creating something new.

Modeling can help, and it sounds like you may be doing some of that already. When I color with my son, I purposefully color outside the lines and positively talk to myself out loud through my "mistake" in order to help DS3 develop coping skills. Also, eliminating words like mistake and creating a new dialogue when something happens, "oops, I colored outside the lines...how frustrating...it's okay, I'll keep trying" and commenting throughout on effort.

Have you read the book "Beautiful Oops"?
http://www.amazon.com/Beautiful-Oop...391037141&sr=8-1&keywords=beautiful+oops

Perhaps you could read the book with your DD and then set up some art projects that tie in directly to the art activities modeled in the book (turning mistakes such as spilled paint or torn paper into wonderful, new creations). Make a game of it...funniest oops, etc. Frame it afterwards and make it part of her new story of herself as someone who keeps trying.

Also, eliminating or reducing pre-set play (coloring books or drawing a house or toys that need to be followed to a t) and more open-ended may help. Try swirling multiple paint colors in a shallow tray...no mistakes there just the wonder of creation.

I personally realize that this is a much bigger issue, but perhaps tying into her existing interest in art may provide the ideal context to begin exploring this issue.

Good luck!

We LOVED Beautiful Oops!! What a brilliant concept... creating art out of slip-ups. Definitely recommend that book.

My DD11 went through the perfectionism angst (I could write a book, lol). She's much better now.

Two things jump to mind...

a) praise for effort, and NOT results

b) don't smother with praise, because then you lose credibility in the child's eyes (they have wonderful BS detectors)

I like the way you pointed out that parents sometimes make mistakes too - next time you catch yourself in a mistake, point it out to her. Model the behaviour you want to see - as in, forgive yourself, and continue on.

Also, teach her that mistakes are a part of learning. If everything is super easy and perfectionism is attainable, it's not worth her valuable learning time.

The best thing you can do at this point is challenge her and put her in situations where she'll make errors, and stay calm and non-reactive when she melts down. She just needs to get used to challenge, and in doing so, develop emotional resiliency.

The book "Beautiful Oops" was a BIG help with this issue for us. Also, we talked a lot about inventors who didn't get it right the first time, artists who weren't famous in their lifetime (but look how beautiful their work is now)-that sort of thing. It was a conversation we had many many times over a few years. Also, my daughter loved the Eric Carle book "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" and we went to his museum in Massachusetts where we learned that book was originally about Willie the Worm, but he changed it to the caterpillar. So we've basically had an ongoing conversation about lots of people who weren't "perfect" but look at the awesome things they've created/painted/written/invented by keeping on trying.

Another angle could be discussing dimnishing returns. The Pareto principle is an interesting mathish starting point where 80 percent of the results come from 20 percent of the effort. Thinkng about time, effort, and results collectively rather than results with a singular focus is a frame of mind.

What fabulous posts! You've received a lot of great ideas from everyone.

+1 to everything doubtfulguest said!

For coloring, a fun game-changer is to draw a background or add one's own elements into the picture. If your child enters a local coloring contest, this extra element of joyful creativity can attract more attention than an entry which is painstakingly colored within the lines.

Frustration with coloring may indicate that kiddo would like to experiment with different media and compare the results.

Good luck with this.

The Dot by Peter Reynolds is a good book to read aloud too!