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I am about at my wits end with DS6 and have no real idea of where to go from here...I need help! I thought you might be a good group to come to as, even though the issues we are having are not by any means limited to the gifted community, I think a lot of it stems from his intellectual ability.

No one wants to think of these words in relation to their child but I am finding that, unfortunately, some of these seem to be becoming fact. These words are lazy, cheat, liar, and braggart. DS6 has always been ahead and many people have commented on it. He is very well aware of this fact and is constantly making other people aware of this fact. In class he'll not only give the right answer but then brag to the other kids who did not give the right answer, or give the right answer quick enough, about how he was first or best. I often feel like he is trying to bolster himself up at the expense of putting others down. He cuts any corner he can, writing a shortened version of his name, not running around the full perimeter but coming inside, only half does exercises, not going to the end but turning around early so he can be first to finish. He takes these shortcuts and then lies/brags about how he got done first, how he did more than anyone else. He will cheat at any game he can find a way to if he thinks he can get away with it. He will not willing do anything that will take effort or commitment, something that he is not already good at.

How do you instill integrity in your children?

That sounds like perfectionism run amok, to me. He is maybe thinking that "first" is who he is, and he's doing whatever he needs to do in order to protect that part of his identity.

Involve him in some activities that he WILL fail at-- preferably those that others will be noticeable superior at, too.

MAKE him get used to "losing."

Along with that, involve him in some activities which HAVE no win/lose component, and for which that kind of thing has some negative peer/social pressures.

Some kids pick these observations up on their own, and some benefit from direct teaching. My two cents...

1) Praise effort.

2) Show great effort yourself.

3) Be a role model for the positive and good feelings that come with effort and learning (which includes NOT knowing... then finding the information you need... then knowing). Point out that different people learn different things at different ages, depending upon the opportunities they have for exposure to different things. For example, kids in other countries may be bilingual in preschool, kids in the USA may begin learning world languages in middle school.

4) Have conversations about how good it felt to realize you personally did something incorrectly, thought deeply about it, learned and tried again... perseverance.

5) Ensure that kiddo knows there is nothing inherently bad about not knowing, being slow, or being wrong/incorrect. But there is something inherently negative in bragging, putting others down, not caring about others' feelings etc.

6) Let kiddo know he is loved even when he is slow, wrong/incorrect, or does not know something. Let him know that he is unconditionally loved for who he is inside. Point out your own foibles, have a great sense of humor about them, demonstrate quiet self-confidence that you know you are still lovable and loved despite imperfection. Apologize when appropriate.

7) Ask kiddo how he feels about things... possibly he has felt put down and no one noticed? Possibly he has observed someone do the things he is now doing... being overly competitive... showing poor sportsmanship?

8) Let kiddo know that he is smart but that is nothing to brag about (nor hide and be ashamed of)... his brain is just a certain way. On the other hand the CHOICES he makes are something he can be pleased with himself about, when those choices are aligned with the behaviors and values you are teaching. Make sure he knows that over time people will notice both his intelligence and his character, and ultimately his success may be derived more from his character than his intelligence.

9) Read stories and as you turn each page, discuss the characters, the choices made, the opportunities to do right/wrong, which characters would be good friends and why... what the characters might be thinking at each step along the way. At the end, discuss the moral of the story, the life lessons we can take with us to help guide us how to respond when we are in a similar situation. The story of the tortoise and the hare is one that comes to mind. Bibliotherapy!

10) Plant a garden... share the natural cycle of effort, care, patience, perseverance, and finally the results. While great soil and fertilizer may help yield great results, there are few shortcuts in gardening.

Again, just my 2 cents.

Every kid deals with this at some point, to varying degrees, because everyone likes to win, and nobody likes to lose.

I think we mostly dealt with this through playing with DD8. Board and card games in particular can be helpful here, especially ones that involve a great deal of random luck, so anyone can win or lose based entirely on factors beyond their control.

- She got to experience winning and losing.
- We modeled being a good sport, both winning and losing.
- We also modeled good sportsmanship by giving her good advice, even when it hurt our own chances of winning.
- If she cheated, we quit playing.

Etc.

She still has the occasional meltdown when she's losing, but she's come a loooooooong way.

My kids are very much given a lot of opportunity to be themselves and all of them are very unique and all have very good self-esteem but they are also taught to be kind, not a show off, be happy for others, not lie or cheat, respect others adults or children. Basically, respect others and yourself. They hear and see it at home, at church, and at their Christian school. It is reinforced immediately when they are not. They have to apologize to the other person, looking them in the eyes and say what they are sorry for. We also have another policy. The other person is not allowed to say "It's okay." They say "You are forgiven" Then we encourage them to move forward and forget about it.

When we play, I am with Dude, cheating and whining means an immediate end to the activity. There is no discussion about it unless on their own, they apologize. Crying and meltdown-- if that's your emotions fine, but have it in your room, the rest of us don't want to hear it. You can come out when you have yourself under control.

You have to model it and reinforce it. Our kids call us out sometimes and we will apologize to them if we have to.

Honestly, I have two gifted kids and I tell them "It doesn't matter how smart you are, it's what you do with it. Do you do good things with your brain?" I also tell them "Integrity is the most important thing you can have, it is far more important than being smart"

There is a wonderful "social thinking" curriculum by Michelle Garcia that can be done at home or in a group setting. Many schools and therapy (I first learned of it at my son's OT) teach groups using it.

I actually found the curriculum kit at our local library. You can look at what's available at www.socialthinking.com

My initial reaction when I read it was "WOW! Wonder if they have a version for husbands?". Not only is this very needed with children on the spectrum, I thought it was a great resource for teaching how our actions and even body language affect others for even a NT child (or adult!).

The basic story line is to teach "flexible thinking" through immulating a super hero named "Super Flex" and thereby defeat all the "Unthinkables" which are villians that try to get brains to make the wrong choices.

We are active Christians so my son told me he thinks the "unthinkables" are really from Satan. I told him I thought that was very smart and he was probably right.

We use terminology from this program to help our son with anxiety and getting stuck on his own idea (i.e. "Rockbrain"). It's been rather effective in helping him get "unstuck".

Honestly, he is 6. Deep breath. I think you have been given some great advice above, but I would also suggest that with proper guidance he will likely turn out to be just fine. My best friend as a child (and still today) had some of these qualities at 6, and beyond. She is now a remarkable adult, wonderful teacher, wife and mother who contributes to her community and is an incredibly supportive friend. Oh, she also tells the truth, doesn't cheat, doesn't brag, etc. Some of that is typical kid behavior.

You might want to try playing board games where you have to all work together to win.. There are some good ones listed on the ultimate game thread. Forbidden Island is a good example of it.

We had to work on the "hi I am [name] I am smart social conversation status. When DS felt uncomfortable in new situations he lead with it so what I thought was bragging was actually trying to find a comfort space with kids in a non academic setting. Of course we still had to talk to him about what he was doing but it really helped to get to the why. With your DS why does he want to be first, what is he getting out it, what does he think the other kids feel when he he says those things, etc.

It might take awhile to deal with this but he absolutely can be led away from this behavior.

DeHe

Great advices given by everyone.
I think another thing to focus on is to teach him to be considerate and to put himself in other people's position. Ask how would he feel if someone else behaves this way.