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DD is 7 1/2 and just started the G&T class a few weeks ago. So far she is generally happy to go to school and doesn't complain about going. So far so good and fingers crossed that it continues.

The problem is she really has no friends and I can't quite honestly figure out what the problem is. Last year she'd play by herself or walk around and talk with the recess monitor. She also told us she ate lunch by herself and once kids even asked her to move. She also told me that she had kids telling her she was stupid. None of this seemed to really bother her.

So this year she seemed to be doing a little better and bonded for a few days with another little girl whose mom told me she was having a rough time adjusting. I told this to dd and they started playing together. That lasted about 2 days when this little girl started playing with another little girl instead of dd and dd proclaimed she was "independent again". She is just matter of fact about it and I can't tell if she really could care less or if she's trying to save face. Honestly, if she doesn't really want friends I'm fine with it but I have a hard time reading my dd and so I can't tell which it is.

My older dd is a social butterfly (always has been) and has so many friends, I can't understand why my younger dd struggles so much. Older dd who is 10 has actually come to me worried about how dd doesn't have friends.

Another thought that came to mind, we just found out that there is yet another birthday party dd hasn't been invited to. Last year she was only invited to two.

I know she isn't a bully, she's very quiet and introverted and seems to be okay playing by herself. I can't understand why she is having such a hard time. Should I intervene or just let younger dd find her way by herself?

Oh, and a few days ago a 3rd grader in her class actually pushed dd on her chest and we had to have a talk about this and what to do if it happens again. It just makes me sad that she doesn't seem to fit in.

Maybe reading some SENG articles on introversion might help the perspective:
http://www.sengifted.org/archives/a...en-forgotten-factor-impacting-the-gifted

Based on your descriptions it sounds like some bullying- so yes, I would intervene.

My DS6 had some difficulties making friends in kindergarten, but I didn't see much in the way of bullying. Some occasional kids being a little mean or snarky but not to the level of bullying. For this reason, we let him work it out a bit on his own, and tried to teach better social skills.

Asking your child to move at lunch, calling names, excluding from parties, and pushing is not okay. I tell my son that he doesn't have to be friends with everyone, but he needs to be friendly and kind. At his birthday party, he was allowed to invite only the boys or the full class. He could not exclude individuals, or guess what? No party.

A couple of suggestions:
1. talk with the teacher and ask him/her to talk with the recess monitor- you may get more insights into what happens during the day.

2. use this information to assess your daughter's skills to handle the bullying and make friends.

3. I don't know if your daughter does any extracurricular activities, but it might help her make friends in a different setting. My son takes Taekwondo at facility with a strong anti-bullying message. The benefits of martial arts have been a blessing for DS.

I don't believe that kids have to "fit in" to make friends, but some (including my own DS) could use some work on social skills and cooperation. Some assertiveness training (like my son receives in martial arts) can nip the bullying in the bud. I'm not at all talking about aggression, just some training in effective body language and words that will stop bullies.

I've had these experiences with 2 of my kids. DS13 didn't truly care about friendship until middle school. He used to say I have nothing in common with the kids at school. He did started a friendship in 3rd grade that has lasted through years, but he was otherwise indifferent to connecting with his peers. Now in High School he probably cares to much as most teens do.

My DD6 was a social butterfly from day one. Only in the last year has she gotten less connected with peers. She had a hard time at camp adjusting to the new group of kids this year. She does have one very close friend, but they are not in the same class or groups anymore. The first couple weeks of camp she played alone. She never complained and the staff had no idea she was having any issues. When I asked her if she wanted to play with other kids she initially said no. Over time I figured out it was that she didn't want to play with them, but she was struggling with their behavior & interests. She isn't a confrontational or even assertive child and was feeling hurt by their reactions to her. She was retreating from their snappy comments rather than rolling with it or responding to them. With a little encouragement from the camp staff she began to connect with the other girls in the group. She is a very geeky goofy girl and doesn't connect with the other girls over the stereotypical girls stuff. She likes Legos & Star Wars not Barbie & clothes. As she gets older she is less willing to pretend she likes the things they like and she isn't willing to tell them she does share their interests.

I spent a lot of time questioning DD about her interactions. I tried hard to not let on to my concerns over it, but inquired a lot about her day. I did ask her if she wanted to play with her peers & why or why not? In her case, it really was a combination of being overly sensitive to their behavior & a lack of common interest, but she did desire peers to connect with. For my DS, he legitimately had no desire at all. Over the years, I encouraged him when the opportunities have come up, but let it be for the most part. He is finding his way socially over time.

In her case, it really was a combination of being overly sensitive to their behavior & a lack of common interest, but she did desire peers to connect with.

Yes. This echoes my experience with my DD, now 14. It wasn't that she wasn't interested in having friends, just that she wasn't interested in being SO radically not who she is in order to maintain the facade. She preferred, mostly, to keenly observe the behavior of peers instead of interacting directly. A sort of Jane Goodall of the elementary and middle school culture, if you will.

I read "potential bullying" into the OP's post, too, however. I would definitely intervene. Some of those interactions sound quite hurtful.

Instead of replying to each post I'm gonna respond as best I can to what has been posted.

In regards to bullying, I don't *think* she is being bullied but I will keep my eye open to the possibility. Most of what I described happened last year and it was never the same kids and these things only happened a few times. This year she is in a completely new class and only 3 of her former classmates are in this class with her and none of them were really mean to her. The girl that pushed her is actually completely new to the school for this self-contained G&T class so she is definitely somebody I have on my radar to watch out for. I did tell dd that this girl is not allowed to touch her like that and if it happens again she needs to tell the girl to not touch her and then tell the teacher about it. My dd being the quiet kid she is in school, her way of getting back at this girl was to take a really REALLY long time in the bathroom when this girl was in line behind her. I'm actually kinda mortified by her passive aggressiveness in how she handled it.

To clarify, my post is really directed at dd's school situation. She is a completely different kid in school than she is at home. At school her teacher last year said she didn't interact much or engage in the classroom. She had a friend in kindergarten for quite awhile but then dd decided to no longer be her friend b/c the girl was too manipulative and bossy. This friend still desperately wants to be my dd's friend, asks for play dates, always tells her hi, and my dd doesn't want to have anything to do with her. I'm friends with the mom, older dd is friends with the older sibling of this girl and so we do see each other often and dd ignores her. So it's this kinda situation that makes me think my dd is just particular about who she wants as a friend.

She isn't as introverted at home as she is at school. At home she has a neighbor girl she sometimes plays with but the girl is 2 years younger than her. I think it's a friendship of convenience for dd who seems to have control over what and how they play and the girl lets her. Dd seems to prefer to play with her older sister and older kids at home.

I do ask dd a lot of questions about her day, and not just about friends. I'll ask her who she sat with at lunch. What did she play at recess, did she play with anybody? What was the best part of her day? The worst? The funniest? etc... to try to get a feel of how her days go.

Dd is a big daydreamer and likes to be in her own little world and is content to just play by herself the majority of the time. So maybe that is part of it? I also kinda get the feeling that it's her quirkiness and her mature expectations in a friend that are interfering with her ability to make friends. It just makes me sad to see her alone.

This sounds so much like my dd. That's why I get the feeling she really doesn't care if she has friends or not. There is a girl in our neighborhood who goes to our school and is in her class and I've offered so many times before school started to walk down with her so we could meet this girl and her mom and dd just plain doesn't want to.

Have you talked to one of the guidance counselors at your daughter's school? Our elementary school takes social skills very seriously, and offers groups to help children who are having a tough time socially. It might be worth a call to see if they have any suggestions.

My dd is also very different at school. She hides who she is at school. She says she doesn't like to be "seen" by people. She would rather blend quietly in the background whether socially or academically. At home she is a bubbly bouncy quirky kid, but at school she is all smiles & agreeable to everyone to avoid conflict or standing out. I would ask the staff what they see at school. If she is anything like my DD they may answer absolutely nothing looks out of place to them.

I felt the same way watching DS sit on the playground with a book all year rather than talk or interact with peers. He really was fine with it. He really did see peer relations as a waste of time in his younger years. The boys all wanted to play sports or other things he had zero interest in. They often didnt know what he was talking about when he did bring something up. I took opportunities as they came to encourage his social development over the years. He is still isn't always comfortable in the group setting but he functions well in it. He does better at the high school because his peers are older and have more common interest with him. Although he was fine, it always left me feeling a little sad for him.

Us introverts will often be wide open with family but try to maintain a minimal amount of very high quality friends. Sounds like the only thing she has to worry about is other people worrying about her and not issues that she owns herself.

Introverts are often keen observers of people and can be very socially skilled when it is worth the effort. And sometimes they know exactly what to do to make sure they aren't burdened by low quality acquaintances who'll eat up their independence and energy to unsatisfying effect.