Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Acting aggressively

My DS6 is starting to act aggressively when he is not mentally stimulated. Usually, he is very calm and quiet, but for the past few weeks he has become a little out of control (not brushing his teeth, not going to bed, etc; arguing about everything and anything- even fact; general jumping around; lack of respect towards his dad).

He is amazing when he is doing something he loves that requires his absolute focus and interest; obvious, I know, but it is really becoming split personality. He is either like an adult, or he is like a hyperactive six year old- there's no inbetween.

Please tell me this is a phase! I don't know what to do; I can't entertain him with these particular (expensive) activities 24/7. Reading only entertains him at night, now. My computer is getting fixed. He has a billion toys, educational, and fun ones, but lately he is only enjoying activities in a professional setting, such as, science fun in a science lab or the planetarium at a local university. I can't take him to those places every day, and in my sad, boring state there isn't much more to do. Help!

This sounds more like testing his boundaries than a gifted issue. Have the rules of the house clearly defined, and the consequences for breaking the rules well established. Arguing about things like going to bed or brushing your teeth is a very quick trip to grounded-ville in my house. If that sort of behavior continues, they will quickly lose their allowance.

are you me?

ha, squishys - it's like you're in my house, watching DD5 these days, right down to the total lack of respect for her dad.

i sure HOPE it's a phase... but i'm not sure i can wait that long - the stress level round here has been pretty extreme.

we always deal with individual incidents immediately, consistently and clearly, so it's been perplexing that our very logical kid has just flown off the rails again these past few weeks without any obvious provocation. her mood had been really bad during the horrible school year she had, but the anger has really ramped up again all of a sudden.

so yesterday, in a rare moment of calm, we totally read her the riot act - we called her downstairs, sat across a table from her and spelled it out: all the stomping/door slamming/shouting was to STOP. it was very hard for her to hear, especially since she clearly already knows how bang out of order she's been. i've never really pulled a discussion like this out of the moment before - it always seemed pointless - maybe i thought she was too small to be able to digest/synthesize it outside of the individual incidents.

of course, that sounds totally stupid now that i write it down - this is the kid who digests/synthesizes everything practically instantly. the kid who remembers a social failure on a play date from five months prior, and makes a sensible plan for how to handle potential future problems when the kid is finally coming over again.

anyhow, it's too soon to tell if it really sticks, but the Big Talk definitely improved the vibe in the house yesterday, and it has clearly carried forward into today. this morning, she was still her old self - very thoughtful and helpful and pleasant.

fwiw, i've found exercise also really helps when DD is at her craziest. if your state is sad & boring... can you take him on a long march? pack up enough snacks to eat along the way and walk till he drops?

good luck, squishys!

Thanks, doubtfulguest! I am losing patience, which is unfair because he's only being "naughty" in comparison to his usual behavior. I don't use time outs or typical punishments; we do time ins and he is usually very rational. I am hoping this phase will be over soon.

We've discussed it and talked about behavioral rules, and he drew up some 'rules' posters. So when he breaks one of them I remind him of the posters. That does help, but it doesn't prevent the outbursts. Am I being unreasonable? I have no idea. I don't know what the expectations are for kids, let alone gifted kids. I mean, if I could afford it is it okay to let him be mentally stimulated all day? Does he need forced downtime? Ugh, it's hard being a parent lol.

And, to clarify, he wants to stay up all night to read or do activities, not just to be defiant (I hope!).

I agree.


Kids do these things from time to time. Some of them more than others, depending on their natural setpoint for autonomy.

Unfortunately, like NT children, HG+ ones also exercise profoundly bad judgment about consequences at least some of the time, meaning that one cannot always just let them do what THEY think is best.

They may know-- intellectually-- that eating no vitamin-C rich foods will lead to scurvy, or the purpose of dietary insoluble fiber... but that doesn't always translate into "I know that eating nothing but candy and pop-tarts is not good for me, so I will choose oatmeal and broccoli instead."

I'm not sure what this lack of practical connection is all about, not being a developmental expert. We've tried natural consequences, but sadly, if the consequences are too distant temporally, it doesn't make enough difference to offset the immediate reward (particularly in a highly autonomous child).

The rules may be somewhat flexible, certainly. The child may have rational input about rules, even (and I do think that is important for HG kids).

However, only adult judgment is sufficient to determine when and how much the rules can be flexed. It's not a matter for negotiation. Not because of control, but because parents are stewards for the care and long-term well-being of children who lack life experience and adult perspective.

Anything less is expecting them to actually BE adults.

Once I explained this to my 4yo DD, she was way more cooperative.


For a while, anyway.

we definitely had to institute "forced downtime" for DD - or we would have gone round the twist. we started quite slowly, though - and she was very resistant at first.

the other thing we do have, that i forgot to mention is a series of mason jars on the mantelpiece.

The little jar of "hate" - 5 cents for each use of the word
The little jar of screams - 5 cents per scream
The enormous jar of solutions - we record it, every time she comes up with a solution vs. a complaint. we read the little scraps of paper out as a family on new year's eve to wrap up the year - it's fun!

and actually, this method really worked on the "hate" thing - i think there's only about 30 ¢ in there. it's a bit slower-going on the screams, though, but there's definitely progress. she's at the point where i can just say, "jar!" and she'll clap her hands over her mouth. ha - we probably need a jar of door-slams and one for foot-stomping, too.

and i totally agree, squishys - it's hard when there's no one to talk to about this stuff. you know they're SO capable, but what's appropriate for our little ones is so out of step with the rest of the world at times. and if i had a nickel for every time i heard, "but she's only 1/2/3/4/5... i would need more than a mason jar to keep it in!

i think it boils down to you knowing your little dude best. if you think he can do better - i'd be willing to bet you're right!

I do basically what you do, just without the timeout part. He has been on holidays for the past week, but this has been going on for a few weeks. He has had some trouble with his teacher, but that's been going on all year. He generally goes to bed at 7pm and reads for half an hour, then goes to sleep, happily. He sleeps 10-11 hours a night. Sometimes on the weekend I let him stay up until 9. I really can't think of anything that coincides with this behavior.

I ask him what's going on inside, to which he just replies, "I just want to do things all the time" or, "I never want to sleep". He isn't usually angry until I tell him it's bedtime- he just wants to read or write. I'm just worried, I guess, that it's the beginning of something else.

HowlerKarma, that's so right about them knowing things logically, but acting anything but. My son knows everything about keeping himself healthy, but sometimes doesn't do those things... He is generally pretty good, though.

I also have explained that, part of being a good mummy is taking care of her babies. I am pretty flexible with letting him make decisions, bit the two things I am the boss of are his health and safety. I think that is the new struggle.

I might try a discussion of "job descriptions" for being a good, responsible parent... and for being a good, responsible CHILD.

Then you can frame his struggles with you as him trying to do your job rather than his.

(as you can probably tell, I've lived with a kid like this for a long time...LOL)