Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy how to talk about your gifted kid

Well said.

I couldn't decide if it was intentional or not!

ITA. I also would add one thing - I've found that the easiest way to have "easy" conversations with other parents is to be genuinely interested and excited about their children.

I also think there are two types of conversation we're talking about here, which are very different. One is focusing on sharing joy (or bragging rights) in our children's accomplishments, the other is being able to talk about issues our high-IQ kids face in school etc - the types of things that we as parents talk about with other parents (like we do here).

Re the type of conversation which falls under "sharing the joy" - I'm not sure of the age of the OP's child or the age of the other children at the birthday party, but fwiw I've found that I am around less bragging by other parents the older my children get. When my kids were in preschool and early elementary I heard a lot of what I'd categorize as parents who were living vicariously through their children - I don't mean that in a bad way, but the achievements of their children made them very proud, and some parents liked to boast/brag about those things which made them (parents) proud. This wasn't just true of sports, but of academics and other things too. For instance, one of my children is really into athletics - and for every team or group she was a part of when she was starting out, there was inevitably at least 1-2 parents who were convinced their child was headed to the Olympics or whatever, or was simply outspoken about how wonderful their child was. In early elementary school, quite a large number of the parents I talked to on the playground etc were really focused on getting their children id'd as gifted and getting enrichment. As my children got older, and as all the kids started finding their own passions and strengths etc as well as started developing more of their own individuality and going through those stages that all kids go through where they gradually become more and more independent of their parents, a lot of those conversations where parents were feeling proud by bragging about their kids faded away. And another thing happened too - I found that as my own kids began to achieve their own set of things to be proud of - parents who cared about them started complementing *them* (my kids). My ds recently received an academic award, and he absolutely was complemented quite a bit, other parents of other kids we know were very proud of him (for him).

polarbear

When family members or friends bragged about their kid's sports accomplishments, I talked about what my son was learning at home and what he was doing in musical theater.

This has been a really hard year for my son because a mild physical disability got worse. He had to quit musical theater because of the pain. He had so many medical appointments and is scheduled for surgery and we just could not focus on academics because of the anxiety over all of this, so we have been unschooling this year. Instead of being supportive, family members are talking about the sports accomplishments in front of my son who they know has been told he has to limit physical activities the rest of his life. They tell us how their kids are doing both the sports and making A's and then they ask what my child is doing. We occasionally see people we knew when my son was in scouts. He had to quit that too because of the disability. They don't know what to say to us.

I guess we don't have any real friends and I will stay away from my extended family for my mental health, so I guess I don't have this problem now.

This is pretty much how I handle things, too. I am genuinely interested in other people if I'm talking to them. So of course, right?

If they are turned off by me being honest in that reciprocity, then I don't feel that I've really lost much, since they probably are not the kind of people that I want ongoing contact with to start with. I really loathe that competitive parenting thing. With every fiber of my being, basically.

I'm well aware of my DD's shortcomings-- she doesn't have to be "best" at anything in particular. I'd like for her to care about personal excellence, and it makes me happy when she is proud of her OWN accomplishments... and I'm proud when she works hard to make something happen for herself. Of course I share that kind of thing. "My kid got her letter from NMSC the other day-- she scored in the top 50K on the PSAT!"

"She landed a competitive internship that she really wanted! I'm thrilled for her!"

"She's loving AP Physics now that she's past mechanics-- I'm so happy that she's found something that really lights her up like that."

"She is working with her older dog at Novice level obedience now and they are doing SO well. I hope that she continues to do Freestyle with the dog, too. They are such hams for a crowd!"


That kind of thing. It isn't that I avoid discussions of academics-- I just try to avoid direct one-upsmanship. THAT is offensive no matter who is doing it.

OK, I admit, it's a bit of chicanery and some people see it for that and smile and others perhaps pity me. But in either case, it defines a conversation boundary. I won't hear a play-by-play of their kid's game; I won't have to dodge discussions of what happened in some sport on TV Sunday night, etc.

Then we can safely discuss the weather, or if they're interested I can tell them how yesterday DS was finally able to use polymerization to summon his five headed dragon and was crushing me until he accidentally attacked my little penguin soldier.

Yes.

DD recently had the experience of sharing her official 'portfolio' for an activity with others-- because they needed the guidance on how to do that kind of recordkeeping, basically.


Even the one friend there who knew that my DD is +3y accelerated and "very smart" was awestruck by her GPA. DD was clearly uncomfortable about it-- I gather that it had made her feel very awkward among that group of kids who are mostly mediocre students (though the one friend is a pretty smart cookie herself-- thus the awestruck excalamation over it, I suspect). Basically, my DD, who is a year younger than this friend, is kicking butt and taking names in the same (and harder) classes that her OLDER BROTHER is taking and working hard-hard-hard at for slightly less stellar grades.

DD almost treated it as though she had done something shameful-- by making her friend feel awkward.

Dear HK, some of the achievements you mentioned above are not like the others, and you know it. Some parents, even those who do not know who Charles Murray is, have the following thoughts (deliberately exaggerated) when you talk:

High PSAT = high IQ. Liking physics = high IQ. High IQ = success. My child got a low PSAT score and does not like physics. Low IQ = failure.

(The equal sign really means "has a positive correlation with".)

The GPA is tough. I lead a CV/resume writing workshop for our students every summer. I have them write their GPA as X.XX, highlight it, and then have them peer edit. After the peer editing process, I have them fill in the GPA.

I just got a bunch of pictures from DD's teacher of kids in the class, and I was struck with another thing -- several kids are wearing shirt and jackets from the elite soccer and baseball teams in town. DD won't wear a t-shirt from a summer camp she went to. No where on the shirt does it say who the audience was for the camp, but she won't/can't wear it because kids would ask her about it.

It's interesting the different choices we make. I would not share the first, but I would share the second two, IF someone asked about my child. To me, the first is more like talking up DD's gorgeous eyes; the PSAT is enough of an aptitude test that mentioning scores would feel not quite right for me personally. But the second is something well-earned and the third is an interest that she is excited about, so totally fair game in my book.