Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy When seeking a therapist

CBT's an odd thing to go for [as an exemplar of a spectrum end, I mean - it may well be exactly what your DD needs, not trying to suggest otherwise] though. If I may make a partially informed analogy (I have only one personal experience of therapy; my therapist had a PhD in biochemistry, I think, which may have helped!):

CBT: when I hit the TV there, its picture stops swithering. Remember to do that when the picture swithers.

Postmodern? The quantum fields of the oxygen-enriched copper are out of alignment. Put this vase on the TV, then it'll be fine. It isn't? You must have put the magnetic nanomonopole the wrong way round.

Sometimes what you actually want is someone with some idea how TVs work and how to find out what part might need replacing...

I was quite happy living in rational-evidence land. Life was good. I was quite content.

But, could I stay happy and not be curious? Oh, No. I had to go play with the weirdness. I mean it wasn't real or anything.

I had to see what was outside and wander around pounding on the ground with a sledgehammer until something broke to "see what would happen". Yeah. Genius move on my part.

And now the door's locked behind me and I can't get back inside.

Depends on the therapist; the one I've had dealings with knew quite well how TVs work as well as where to hit. Some of it was really lawyerly cognitive debugging (You believe that? Is that belief working well on your behalf? What's the evidence for and against?). Some mindfulness. Perhaps it was a more heterogeneous approach than most; I don't know.

DeeDee

My approach to life is to hit the TV when it swithers.

Of course, now that in weirdness-land....

Therapist: "The quantum fields of the oxygen-enriched copper are out of alignment. Put this vase on the TV, then it'll be fine. It isn't? You must have put the magnetic nanomonopole the wrong way round."

Me: "Meh. I have a sledgehammer. I'm going to hit the vase to see if that helps. Also, I've noticed that some of the vases have chocolate in them and I'm hungry. So, if that doesn't fix the magnetic nanmonopole, I might at least have some chocolate which will make me feel a little better. Also, did I mention that I like to use this sledgehammer?"

I knew you'd cap that :-)

Yes, this. Thank you for understanding what I was trying to say.

DD has a built-in vulnerability that I'm not sure she CAN eliminate without changing who she is-- she wanted a real connection with a true peer. She wanted it so badly that she was willing to ignore red flags, and the abuser was pretty savvy about her weaknesses (having studied her at some length prior to engaging with her). So what is the answer? Insulate herself from authentic human needs? Make herself less kind and accepting of others' faults? Be more judgmental? I'm not sure that she can do any of those things and still be who she is. If she changes who she is in order to abuse-proof herself... then hasn't the abuser won the ultimate prize, in some respects? He's then truly destroyed what was amazing, unique, and admirable about her.

It may really be painful for her to come to terms with that dichotomy. It's proving very hard for her dad, that's for sure.

I'm of the opinion that she has to find a way to establish mindful boundaries for herself, and note when those tripwires are disturbed in a relationship. To do that, I think she's going to need to evaluate what happened here in very painstaking terms-- because the signs were there, all right; but they were very subtle indeed initially.


The school counselor's "helpful" advice was:

group work with a peer group (this AFTER we explained to her that DD feels quite lonely because she does NOT connect/relate as deeply/authentically as she's needing-- to either chronological or academic peers)

artistic expression as therapy

Both suggestions struck my DD as (mostly) evidence of just how little the counselor understands about her or how she thinks or feels about pretty much anything at all. Clearly there seems to be very little therapeutic benefit in that particular relationship. The counselor really doesn't "get" what it might mean to be a PG adolescent, nevermind what it might mean to be my DD in particular. She felt that it was "not relevant" whether or not my DD felt "validated" in her beliefs about what happened to her, and she was repeatedly advising DD to "let go of those negative emotions" which was also ridiculous in that DD is still trying to parse events in some very basic ways (like running the day-to-day through the "was this a healthy interaction" filter) as she remembers things slowly. This counselor also was convinced that this was about a lack of emotional maturity in my DD-- which is so far from the reality of this situation that it is sort of mind-boggling how anyone who knows her could get to that mindset. It's so superficial and frustrating.

Anyway. We have an appointment with someone locally, but it isn't until Feb. We will continue to run down our list of therapists with the right background and interests and hopefully find someone who clicks with DD.

One answer is to learn the tells to when you should start thinking about red flags.

And if you see a red flag, you should *think* about it and not ignore it.

So, if you learn the tells/red flags, then you can still be open...but if you see one..and then two...and then three...well, then you should start watching things carefully.

He really does sound like the sort of person who'd ENJOY dealing with loose Howler monkeys, doesn't he?



The good news here is that I'm questioning my assumptions about psychotherapeutic approaches. (So ColinsMum, your input hasn't been entirely wasted. LOL)

That's what I'm thinking, too.

It's an approach that has (finally) led me to a happier place as an adult. I simply can't bring myself to just be perpetually suspicious of people in a general sense. Can't do it and still be me, YK?

I see that same streak in DD.

But to do this, she's going to have to be brave enough to face her shame in being taken for a ride-- at least well enough to turn things over in her mind and look for the cracks in the facade that she missed the first time.

That will be painful-- because it means going back through your own memories, and reliving the emotional content, even knowing that some of those emotions were elicited by lies or misdirection. Lots of humiliation there for someone who has "perceptive" and "smart" as part of her self-image.

The alternative is not learning from this, though, and that strikes me as infinitely worse as bargains go.

Yeah. At our house we all have "thinking mistakes" we are prone to, and we work hard to acknowledge and be aware of them, including preventive measures. But it is really very hard work.

Totally, totally worth doing IMO. But I feel for you and your DD.

DeeDee