Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy When seeking a therapist

My daughter sees a CBT. She's worked with him on a number bullying situations. They approached the severity of what you describe, but because we identified the ring leaders of the abuse, the school was able to address. Granted, we were in an elementary school situation which made it a more controlled environment.

Document every incident. Keep a written log with times, dates, and NAMES. Use neutral language, and document as "DD reported today that...," but do not downplay the action, if a touch was unwanted, don't say "he hugged her," but "he hugged her against her wishes." Keep this document. Until you are ready to disclose the identity of the perpetrator, send a redacted copy of your entire log after each incident to the school councilor, simply adding each new report above the log of the previous.

I would most definitely discuss with the therapist the grade placement and associated academic giftedness, as this is part of understanding the child and the situation. The differences in emotional and academic maturity, the difference in stage of puberty relative to her peers, and different life experience will all play into how the therapist helps your daughter work her way through these event.

I interviewed 3 cognitive behavioral therapists. I put DD's intellectual abilities and her associated social struggles up front. I chose the therapist that could clearly distinguish social and academic needs, and could see how DD's tests scores demanded her placement. He does not have particular experience with gifted kids, though he reported that most of his clients were of "well above average intelligence." That said, he continually reports to me how he alters his approach to DD in response to her particular unique state of mind. Realize that to be a PhD psychologist, you need to pretty bright yourself. I've found that using the PhD as a starting point gets me a pretty good group of people to interview, as even if it's not part of their practice, they've likely lived it themselves (and have raised kids that are gifted or even 2e.)

Once the initial flames are extinguished with a therapist, you might want to take up the subject of why you and your daughter are unwilling to disclose the perpetrator. The school's hands are really tied without this information, particularly if there are no witnesses coming forward. You will want to explore why you are keeping it private, and how to approach the school to disclose this information. While your daughter needs to learn to deal with these situations, she also requires support in getting herself out of the already established pattern. This is a huge issue even amongst adults, and for a situation that's been persisting for a number of months, it will require 3rd party intervention.

Many hugs for you and your daughter. For all of DD's boredom in school and educational neglect from the school, it's been the bullying that has had me most seriously consider pulling her out of the school. May you get through this with peace and in one piece.

This would seem to be particularly helpful in gaslighting situations.

Thank you for all of the suggestions! (Keep them coming please!)

Jon, I particularly want to thank you for the observation that school counselors are conditioned to re-frame things in "least icky" terminology for themselves. That's EXACTLY the sense that DD got from her conversation.

Now, who knows what the counselor was actually thinking, because DD is someone who ASSUMES that nobody will believe her. No wonder, either-- because this abuse has certainly conditioned her to think that way. Every time she tried to bring up something that was done/said to her in private, the turkey denied it and turned it around on her (or denied that it ever happened at all), and then told her to "shut up." Which she learned to do in short order, it seems.


She has little in the way of proof. She also has little in the way of behavior which was: a) documented (remember, the abuser kept ERASING evidence from chat sites after she'd had a chance to read it, but before I could screen shot things), or b) witnessed by a third party (other than me, in ~30% of the cases).

He was WAY different with her when he wasn't being observed. (Red flag, much?)

He also portrayed all objectionable behavior and interaction as "mutual." As in, yeah, YOU should stop that and I will then, too. Which left my DD completely dizzy, since she WASN'T being obnoxious, demeaning, or abusive. (And really, anyone who knows her very well would know that she isn't capable of this kind of behavior. Truly.)

Why won't we name names? Well, because my DD is a high school junior (note, emphasis on "junior" as in think college application machine) and is involved with several different elected/appointed positions in the community and her school... even the taint of "you're hysterical" or "why are you lying about this honor student" turns into "{DD} is a kid who is willing to destroy another kid's future." Some of her activities are those where a false accusation (or even suspicion of one) would be grounds for removal/expulsion. For my DD, this isn't really about the resume, either; it's about doing community service. She especially loves working with children, and I think it's clear that ANY contact involving the authorities re: "abuse" is a red flag that never goes away in a background check.

This is EATING at both of us-- I mean, sure, we can get her away from him, and probably help her. What we can't seem to do is get something on the record about HIM being a budding serial abuser, or keep him away from other vulnerable kids. My DD and I both are just SICK that he's going to do this to other girls. I realize that must be secondary to my daughter's self-interest, but she and I both struggle with that being "selfish."

We have little in the way of proof. His family is... er... well, his family are "pillar of the community" types, let's just say.

I do have such a "log." It's not what I would give to authorities, because it is not "clean" emotionally-- it's more for the purpose of a therapist assisting us/her. I have 14K words worth of it, and about 50% of it is controlling or abusive. What I was THINKING about at the time. Why I let things go, or what I told DD about them. At least 15% of it is so sadistic that it made me cry to remember it. It was VERY upsetting. That's stuff that I either SAW, noted, or discussed with my DD at the time; the thing is, I didn't see the "big picture" at the time, or it would have been crystal clear that it was pervasive ambient/emotional abuse. One thing which really surprised me in producing that from memory was just how difficult it was to place particular interactions in true chronological order without any externally referential information. So a meeting at {public location} between the two of them, which was frequent, I have to rely on what I was thinking about at the time, what DD was WEARING that day, etc. to know WHEN it happened. This was a first for me-- ordinarily, I'm so good at organizing/ordering things chronologically. I finally realized why it was so difficult-- there was no cause-and-effect flow to things. Each and every contact/interaction was more or less independent from any other, and often (which is what my poor DD kept trying to tell me) had nothing to do with anything SHE had done or said, either. At least not in any rational way.

I have also applied pressure to DD to produce her own "narrative" of what, exactly, happened between the two of them, as clearly as she can recall. She is not keen to do that, but I think that the reason is that she knows, deep down, that there were red flags early on, and that she ignored them because she was willing to ignore almost ANYTHING for someone of similar LOG/cognitive ability who (seemingly?) had so much in common and wanted a close friendship. Heck, WE were willing to let some things slide that we shouldn't have.

" She is not keen to do that, but I think that the reason is that she knows, deep down, that there were red flags early on, and that she ignored them because she was willing to ignore almost ANYTHING for someone of similar LOG/cognitive ability who (seemingly?) had so much in common and wanted a close friendship."

In today's life lesson, we learn that it's important to not ignore red flags because people give off vibes for a reason.

She shouldn't feel bad about ignoring the red flags, but she should feel bad if she ignore red flags in the future having learned this particular lesson.

" What we can't seem to do is get something on the record about HIM being a budding serial abuser, or keep him away from other vulnerable kids. My DD and I both are just SICK that he's going to do this to other girls. I realize that must be secondary to my daughter's self-interest, but she and I both struggle with that being "selfish.""

There's a way to deal with this, but I'm not sure what it is. In any event, high school is generally not a place to start a good record because it's prior to adulthood.

If you really want to solve the problem, just put a mental tracker on him and deal with him over time. This would be the Javert approach.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Javert

Dealing with problems like this is always difficult, but I wouldn't waste too much time on dealing with him at the moment. Plenty of time for that later.

This is hard stuff to deal with; I guess I am more of an isolationist than most. I'd probably lean towards getting my child placed into a different school even, if it meant she never had to deal with this person again. Hope that doesn't sound too extreme.

This crossed my mind as well.

Yes, it's crossed ours, too.

But we do NOT want to send the message to our naturally thoughtful, introspective, gracious and somewhat introverted child that being victimized = slinking away from your abuser, who then "owns the field."

Harsh terminology, yes. But she did NOT do anything wrong or bad. She didn't "participate" in a "negative relationship dynamic." She was ABUSED.

Support so that she can face things, yes. In progress. But NO WAY are we willing for her to simply walk away and forfeit hard-won social standing and social circles to her abuser.

The one group (RPG) that we thought we would simply do that with, surprisingly, the (older adolescent) GM pretty much immediately opted to jettison the offender without a backwards glance. {edited details out}


"ICKY" is only getting warmed up, here.

Do you have a restraining order against the boy? That might help in 3 regards:

1. Reframing the situation in your daughter's eyes as the boy being the problem.
2. Validating the seriousness of the situation with the school.
3. Securing insurance coverage for appropriate counselling.

Just a preliminary thought.

So sorry your daughter is going through this ordeal!! How hard not to unleash the inner mother tiger, isn't it? I don't even know you or your daughter, but your retrlling of the events has me feeling protective, even.

I'd like to reassure you, howlerkarma, that nothing can destroy your daughter's gift. Unfortunate circumstances such as the abuse may cause her to suppress it temporarily, but it will never be gone, and it can always be revived!

Isn't that sometimes like waving a red flag in front of a raging bull?

It's really only a piece of paper...

So sorry to hear you are facing this! Finding a therapist is very daunting. I agree pre-interviewing is critical to be sure you are on the same page before exposing your daughter. I also agree this is a situation where therapy could be very useful.

In addition, you may want to look in to books available from Melodie Beattie. Most libraries will have several. She is THE major Codependency author. I think you'll find doing a daily reading in one of her books such as the classic The Language of Letting Go will do wonders for your daughter in reframing her understanding of herself in relation to others in a healthy way. A journaling exercise such as: "Today I feel..... When I feel this way the thoughts that I feel are... When I feel this way and think these thoughts what I want to do is... My choice today is.... My prayer today is...." can also be helpful.

Recovering from abuse is about understanding healthy boundaries and how to enforce them. It's about finding your voice and not believing the lies you have been told. The three things children learn in an abusive relationship are don't trust, don't feel, don't tell. It sounds like this boy was working all of those quite effectively. It takes a lot of sensitivity to get an abuse victim to trust you (and themselves) enough to begin letting those feelings out in to the open. She needs a secure place to rebuild that trust and be taken seriously.

I would not expect any effective counsel from the school. They always have divided loyalties and are most concerned about their own liabilities, especially when events happened on school grounds.

When YOU hire a counselor you will have someone on your side. I would search for someone (as mentioned earlier) who specializes in abuse recovery or codependency. I would also look for someone who is trained in EDMR as it is a very useful therapy for dealing with traumatic memory. Your daughter sounds like she is having a PTSD type reaction to the phone. Abuse can trigger a Post Traumatic Stress reaction and should be treated accordingly when that happens.

The best news about this awful situation you are going through is that people who successfully face abuse and trauma find beauty, strength, and confidence they never imagined they posessed and grow in amazing ways as they find their way to the other side of this darkness. I pray you and your daughter will see wonderful things come from this awful challenge she should not be facing at her tender age.