Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How do you know?

I realize that this is likely the "million dollar question" . . . but I'm asking it anyway, because I have been trying to formulate my thoughts and they keep coming back to this.

How do you know? How do you know how hard or far to "push" . . . how do you know how to maximize opportunity, while protecting childhood and age-mate friendships?

Our 2nd grade son will be accelerating into 3rd grade reading and math classes after winter break. It was suggested that the potential for him to go into 4th grade next fall, potentially doing 5th grade reading and math after THAT winter break, is a very real option. He'd then go into 6th grade in what would normally be his 4th grade year, however that would put him into our local middle school project which allows for easier acceleration and isn't as tied to "grades / age-level" like our elementary schools are.

So . . . with this comes all of the feelings of uncertainty, excitement, hope, you know the drill. Transitions and change have long been difficult for him, however he is excited about going into 3rd grade classes for the challenge . . . even though we know it won't be a challenge since he actually performs at a much higher level, like most of the kiddos here I'm guessing.

My other challenge is other adults. I realize this is MY challenge, or OUR challenge (but the hubs doesn't let things like this really register on his radar, and I am a teacher, so I hear it / feel it more). I hate feeling like I'm "bragging" whenever I ask for the thoughts of others on his progress and the decisions that we're facing. I hate the "don't you worry about him not being with his same-age peers" comments when we talk about acceleration.

I mean . . . yes, we do think about those things, but I've also read enough research and done enough thinking to realize that keeping with him kids his age purely for being with kids his age is the most ridiculous thing we can do. How

I guess I'm just new to this and looking for thoughts / support / advice . . .

I don't need to please other people or have them agree with me . . . but it is just another element in all of this. We do have wonderful support in our school, and I've been put in touch with a couple of local parents who will no doubt be great resources for us . . . but but but!

So much to think about. In short . . . how do you help your kiddos adjust to acceleration changes? How do you politely tell adults who think they know what is best for them to buzz off unless they put the time into knowing your child and the research? How do you know how far to push / encourage your child while keeping the love of learning? Are baby steps a valid option even though it doesn't necessarily reach him at his level?

To cut off unwanted conversations, "We have carefully considered his educational and social needs, and we put together a program designed to meet those needs."

You would think that would cover it, but...no guarantee.

Just follow your basic problem solving model: gather information, define needs, develop a plan, implement the plan, wait to see how it works, evaluate the plan, define any new needs, wash, rinse, repeat. You're a teacher, you know how to roll with the punches!

I used to live in Taiwan, and I wonder sometimes if American moms wouldn't do better to err on the side of the Tiger Mom. It's definitely a balancing act, but you'll figure it out.

If by "push" you mean pushing obstacles out of the way so that your son can operate at his optimal level of challenge/learning, then I'd say as much as possible without making yourself an obstacle.

If other parents question the decision, then I'd pose the opposite question: "Why don't you hold back your little Billy? Or ask that he go back to K?"

For general adults who question the social compatibility... then: "Have a conversation with my son about anything and then come ask me again."

That's why this forum is such a great place

I avoid conversations about this kind of with moms that I meet from other schools. Ours is a small language immersion / montessori dual track school, so many of the kids are clever, and some gifted. If your child is accelerated or in a gifted program, no one bats an eye. IT'S A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

How many friends does your son have? Is he happy? This matters more than what the other parents think. I know it's hard... but we need to listen to our kids first and the naysayers second never.

The age-mate thing is tricky though. While I agree that grouping kids solely based on age is not a good idea, it's also true that cognition and emotional development are not always in sync, and both have a huge impact on the child's experience.

Does your son have any extracurricular activities (i.e. sports, arts, chess club, etc) that he is in where he is with kids his age?

One thing is for sure: you don't want your DS getting bitter about school because he's bored. I personally know two moms with sons (aged 9 and 10) who are getting themselves into some real trouble because of this (one is currently in counseling). In both cases the boys are in regular classes with age mates and their schools are refusing to accelerate them. With this in mind, I'd say don't let anyone talk you out of acceleration for your DS just because he'll be with older kids.

As for how far to push him... he'll let you know when he's bored Vs in over his head... just keep the lines of communication open

How do you know?

Well, you don't. Actually, of course no parent ever really knows... but it's worse when your child is not normative, because while everyone (it seems) is willing to tell you in great detail how what you're doing is "damaging" your child...

the conventional advice and lovely parenting books/recommendations just... don't... fit. To the point that some of it just leaves you perplexed/bewildered/exasperated. It's just OBVIOUSLY incorrect, but you don't necessarily have any basis for determining which alternatives are the right ones and which ones are also wrong.

Well, that leaves floundering in the dark and following your heart as the best paths forward. Which is cold comfort, actually, but at least you should be aware that you're not alone there.

{{hugs}}

My DD is 13 and is thriving in her (relatively high-pressure) junior year of high school. She should graduate in the top 0.5% of her high school class, and she has friends and is happily involved in healthy extracurricular activities. She's pretty comfortable in her own skin relative to a lot of her peers and her agemates, though she is sometimes sad that she doesn't fit completely with either group. It can work. We've ignored a lot of judgmental snide asides from pretty much everyone we know over the past seven years, though. The only thing we've had is the knowledge that the general parenting rules related to developmental timelines... do not apply.

Thank you, thank you for your thoughts!

Master of None . . . that is our struggle. He wants to be challenged (and even one grade level above isn't going to be it for him, but it will be NEW for a while and he'll no doubt gain something and likely be ready for more . . . we'll keep building bridges where we need them, I guess), but he also fears change a little. He's improved on this a lot. It's the perfectionist in him, I think. Since we was tiny, he wants routine because it feels comfortable . . . yet he wants the challenge. He has his mind wrapped around moving to third grade and is excited, but next year the potential plan, assuming all goes well and it is a good fit, is that he'd go into fourth grade. When I casually mentioned investigating that as an option, he simply said, "No." Obviously I don't want to force him into anything . . . but as was said, it isn't the content as much as the pace. If his history is any indicator, he'll be ready for more . . . and I just hope that he can find calm in himself and confidence in his transition to be ready for whatever is out there without holding himself back out of fear.

I agree that it is a struggle "accepting my kid is never going to be normal," and it is one that I had no idea existed until I climbed into these shoes myself. It is "easy" to at least make sense of the fears and struggles of those who watch their children struggle academically . . . we can understand how heartbreaking it could be, and I think our society is geared toward understanding that a little more. I truly never expected the inner-struggles that I'm facing now, though had I listened to my nervous twinges when he first entered school and blew his standardized testing and academics out of the water, I would have had a clue.

Baby steps are the answer, I guess . . . one thing at a time using whatever data and "readiness" was can gather. The world is wide open and I trust that he'll make the most of it, but the daunting task of helping him begin to take those steps outside of a "normal system" that the rest of our society depends on completely to guide them feels huge right now.

BINGO. Thank you for that thought. We've long felt like all the usual rules don't apply to this little guy . . . from the word GO he was an utter puzzle. It's a beautiful thing . . . but you're right, it gets confusing when everyone - including several staff members who share a school building with me - pretends to know the risks, realities, and dangers, when truly this is such an unfamiliar territory for most, myself included.

With these kids, there's another, tougher question that precedes this one: "What is their age?" Because the number of revolutions around the sun just doesn't explain them the same way it does for most people.

And the answer to that question is another question: "What do you mean? Chronologically? Physically? Cognitively? Socially? Psychologically?"

This is my DD10... she's always been really hard to place. Add to the mix is the fact that she has a late November birth date, so she's socially a little immature compared to her "age-class-mates." She's... immature and under-challenged.

Yes!!! Exactly.