Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Temper tantrums Kindergartner refusing school

I don't know what to do anymore. My DD5 is refusing to go to school, having extreme tantrums this week. Kicking, screaming, crying, and straightout refusing to get in the car to go to school. Yesterday I had to drive her since I was unable to get her into the carpool car, and today she was all tears again. One more day of school, and then it's vacation time, pff. I have been bribing her to please go to school (with rewards of museum visits).
Last week she had IQ testing in school and this week several days of Achievement testing. She is a perfectionist, and probably gifted (results of tests expected next month). We're hoping for grade acceleration with the test results.
Her reason for refusing school is that a day at home is much more interesting - she can do math, reading, computer, and arts when she wants to. Nevermind that her classmates are working on counting to then while she enjoys addition, subtraction, multiplication, division, and fractions. An reading all kinds of books (including my grown-up novels, and the dictionary). Last week she wanted to learn about decimals since hse had seen something like that on a paper. I understand her desire to be home, but for now need her to go to school. She is 5. Any suggestions on bribes or other advice. I dread tomorrow morning trying to get her to school again...

The obvious suspicion is that she isn't enjoying the testing - what does she say about it? At least that would be a self-limiting problem... Does she understand that there are supposed to be things she can't do in the tests, etc.? Many of us find that bribery's not much use with our children and that serious discussion has more chance of working.

I don't know if this is helpful. I usually dress my kid and do most of his getting him ready in the morning. I even carry him out of bed to the breakfast table. We've had a few tantrum mornings, but really everything's on auto pilot (like George Jetson's morning routine.) It was because he had a hard time liking school when it first started.
ETA: I do less of this when he's having less of a hard time. It just helps us sometimes.

This morning was a little better- PJ day, made her favorite breakfast, and did most things for her. Movie in the van made things easier too.
We have continuous power battles: she insists on going to school without a coat while it's freezing, we argue, and she throws the coat back into the car and runs up the school steps. She'll insist on a bath while we only have time for a quick shower, resulting in a meltdown and drawn-out bed time. I ask her to clean off the table, and she'll respond with an angry face and throw things on the floor. MOst of the time she is a very sweet, cooperative 5-year old but these emotional battles escalate between us and always end with a time-out or crying spell. I wish I knew how to defuse these situations. I don't believe we need a psychologist at this point, but any advice you may have on dealing with htis intense behavior would be wonderful. Is this intense, emotional behavior common for gifted children?

I have a couple of principles we try to follow based on what has worked with my DS without knowing exactly what is going on on your side.

Don't let the behavior become the issue. The behavior is a symptom. Help her believe that you understand the issue and are working on solving it.

Try to stay calm, escalating your own reactions will feed the fire and give the signal that it is OK to escalate. The modeled behavior is often stronger than the intended message.

Beware of anxiety loops where their emotion creates a secondary emotional reaction and it spirals. Sorta like, "I don't want to go to school. I feel bad that I don't want to go to school. I really don't want to go to school because it makes me feel awful..."

We've found laughter to be the best way to catch DS before he goes full meltdown. Gives him the chance to erase some of the building emotions. That usually gives an opening to discuss things a bit.

Let me preface this that my response is based solely on my own parenting experiences and, thus, may be completely off base for you. Take it for what it's worth.


My daughter used to fight me tooth and toenail on wearing a coat or what I deemed proper attire for the occasion - whether it was a nice dress for church, a coat for cold weather or a top with buttons (she went through 3 years where buttons of any sort created melt down). How I wish I'd known to have her tested for sensory issues. She is now an adult and has told me that she vividly remembers those battles and that all the while she was feeling bad for misbehaving, the panic over having to wear something that made her skin crawl was worse - and that she had no idea why I didn't understand that what I was asking her to do was so unreasonable. She thought everyone felt that awful in their clothes and thought she was the failure for not being able to handle it.


Both my daughter and my youngest son would rather go dirty than take a shower - again the sensory thing. The feeling of the water pelting on them is torture, whereas a bath is nice and soothing. Using soap or shampoo? That's a whole 'nuther battle.

Because of having a better understanding now of why there is resistance to certain textures or experiences (like showers), I actually have changed my parenting a lot with the youngest. If we're running late, I'll let him skip the quicker shower at bedtime with the bargained agreement that he get up early in the morning to get his bath. He will actually set his alarm to get up early in order to have his bath rather than take the shower. And to me, it isn't a defiance/disobeying issue - it is about helping my child figure out how to make compromises and workarounds that allow him to cope in his own environment.

When he argues about setting the table instead of playing Minecraft? Yeah - no mercy at all. First argument gets the Minecraft gone for the rest of the day.

Anyway - this may or may not apply, but I wish I'd have had some idea that this is what was happening when my kids were younger, so thought I'd throw it out there.

gifted kids can be very intense and parenting them has to be a balance of understanding what emotional age you're dealing with at the moment, when it's typical kid stuff, gifted stuff, sensory stuff, possible allergies...it's definitely alot more challenging that a "wash and wear" kid as I like to call them. but you belong to a special club : - )

it's always good to keep reminding your child that you're trying to learn what's behind the melt-downs and that they can help you understand. Thinking of sensory things and also diet is important, and they might need more sleep than other kids. When my DD was in K that's when we found out about how all the dyes affect her behavior and chocolate giving her rashes.

sending a message that you're working hard in your own way every day to help them is very good advice. Sometimes I'd use the word "I'm investigating how to help you" because she loves that word. When I started doing that with DD it really helped our relationship. She still lives to give me a hard time more than anyone else, but also part of that is our two personalities and mother-daughter things. and I think her wanting to be independent but knowing that I'm still needed for her to navigate and deal with things. Not getting drawn into the drama is hard when you're tired, exasperated or out of ideas (or for me, worrying about the big picture and feeling overwhelmed especially if you don't have much support).

@ ABQMom minecraft - aaaaahhhrrr! We are a minecraft household. I'm trying to "use" it to help with time management (minecraft minute points have an equivalency to real life/responsibility points etc), priorities. Her brain just loves it so much, it is very cute but gets on my nerves sometimes.

I liked the adult-perspective description of the sensory issues. I hope when DD talks about this when she's older, an acknowledgement of improvement of understanding and compassion on my part will be included...I do feel like I've gotten better over time. She's definitely gotten more tolerant as well as learned when it's that she's bothered about (especially noise) and not to panic when she understands what's going on. I think that's key - reducing the panic.

I had sensory issues as a kid as well as horrible equilibrium and a ridiculously strong sense of smell (very distracting) but I went internal and was called "sulky" and "a pill" but really I was just often quietly struggling with overload or discomfort of some kind, and loneliness about people's impatience.

Homeschooling isn't an option?

If she's a pretty happy child otherwise, these behaviors seem like red flags to me, too. They are symptoms of something.

Does she *have* to wear a coat? Ask her why she doesn't want to wear one. If it *isn't* sensory related, then let her make her own choice. Walking through 30 degree weather without a coat sucks. Let her try it a few days in a row and see if she continues to choose no coat. If she's a smart little girl, she can certainly handle choosing whether or not to wear a coat. If it isn't a point of contention between you two, she'll be able to return to wearing her coat without losing face and without anyone needing to force her. No saying "I told you so." ha

If the shower is a sensory thing, then she shouldn't be required to take one. It's not something you can just change about her. If it's a control thing, it's still worth working with her or making sure you guys have enough time for a bath.


If I were her- with no control in a learning situation that I hated and that left me feeling brain dead- I'd be grasping for control elsewhere in my life- such as with the coat or by going against whatever you wanted me to do. You understand how she feels about it and what she'd prefer to be doing... I wouldn't expect a 5 year old to "suck it up" the way adults do when we're required to work a soul deadening job. Heck, *I* don't even have the ability to stick to something I find that awful. Maybe it was all those years of hating my life and having no control over what I had to do every.damn.day.

I think she's trying to get your attention. These behaviors are a cry for help. She can't fix her own situation. If it were my daughter, I'd sit down and explain to her that we are trying to get her more interesting work and that I needed her to work with me and be patient. Even my two year old can be patient for awhile when I explain to her that she'll get something soon, just not right now. If homeschool is a possibility, I'd promise her that if it doesn't happen, she can learn at home.

My mom kept me compliant through all of elementary school by promising that if I got good grades and behaved, I would get chosen for the very selective honors program in middle school. Only when I was in 5th grade (and surely would have been chosen) they opened it up to a huge number of kids and watered down the curriculum. Middle school was just as awful as elementary school and I gave up at that point. I was awful to parent from that point on. I was practically failing by 11th grade.

Thank you for all your insight. I can't believe I did not think of the sensory issues myself, how embarassing. This is a child that greatly disliked the feeling of grass on her toes as a toddler, struggles with swimming because of the feeling of water in her nose and on her face, and who had dysphagia as a baby connected to the structure of solid food. I thought she had outgrown the sensory stuff, but maybe I'm wrong.
I certainly think her need for independency and the power struggle are big issues too that are exacerbated by school stress.
This afternoon was such a great relief after school ended. I had a happy girl who was skipping and laughing and talking next to me while we had 4 hours of mommy-daughter time that she craved. I am looking forward to the rest of the vacation since I expect it to be a good family time, with little to no daughter issues.
Lesson learnt- and tonight's dinner battle was avoided. She chose not to eat her soupy meal tonight and will eat it for breakfast instead. She'd rather feel hungry. It's not ideal but she made a fully informed decision and did not even try to negotiate.
Sometimes I forget that she is only 5 and am suddenly reminded of it when she has drawn her name on the wall in chapstick and claims her doll did it...
You all help me feel less lonely in this confusing world of giftedness.

On the school topic: Pretty much what islandofapples said about "a cry for help." Your DD's misery is a strong indication of how her current school situation is totally wrong for her. Something has to change, rather drastically.

On the coat topic: My DD was 4 or 5 when I tried to put one on her as we waited for the bus to pre-K one cold morning, and she went from happy kid to meltdown kid in record time. The only other alternative she left me was to try wrestling her into the coat in the middle of the driveway, so we went inside for a time-out instead, and she missed the bus.

Giving her a few minutes to work out her emotions was clearly not working, so I'd poke in there from time to time to see if I could say anything to defuse it, fail, and walk out again to give her some more time. Finally, I blurted out the magic words: "I don't understand why this is such a big deal. It's just a coat. You can take it off."

The meltdown immediately ended.

"Wait... you mean I can take it off when I get on the bus?"

Momentary pause while I wrestle with trying to trick her, play the boss card, or be honest, because taking it off on the bus defeats the point. I pick honesty.

"Well... I'd really rather you didn't, because it'll still be cold on the bus, when some of the kids open the windows. I'd prefer it if you waited until you were inside the school. But I can't stop you."

Problem solved. I drove her to school, and she got to explain to her teacher that the reason she was late was, "I had a meltdown."

The moral of the story: You never know what strange things might be going on in these kids' heads. Maybe your DD thinks she has to wear the coat all day, like mine did. Maybe she's afraid of losing it, she doesn't like the way it looks, or how it gets in the way of her fashion statement for the day (assuming no school uniforms). Maybe it's something else none of us would ever think of.