Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Dealing With Teachers: Advocate Or Just Apologize?

Ummm... because a special needs student that she is responsible for is hiding in a potentially unsafe (and unknown) location-- where she doesn't have continuous means of supervising and monitoring him for his safety and that of his classmates?


Honestly, in a classroom setting, this is a pretty big deal. This is the kind of scenario where a teacher loses their job-- and their licensure-- when something goes horribly wrong in an instant. True explanation of her (understandable) annoyance... but probably not an appropriate explanation for a group of middle schoolers, either.

It's not really the teacher's "job" to explain it in the first place, either, other than to note that it isn't permitted to do this.

I do think that Val's points are good ones. In building empathy and social skills, it's good to practice the other person's point of view when possible.

It's not even about right/wrong (and I'd argue that in this instance, that's ambiguous at best, since this presumably took up class time and the teacher may well have been shutting it down so as not to rob the rest of the class of instructional time over it, yes?).

I also think that it is CRITICAL to have such a child understand that correcting an authority figure who is correcting YOU (or has stopped you and is exercising their authority) is seldom a good idea. It's not a good idea with a police officer, a teacher, a judge, a boss, etc. So that is, IMO, the bigger picture here.

Might even be worth addressing with the school-- that this is clearly something that your child does not yet understand is a social rule, and it's a work in progress.

There is actually a sign up in my kitchen that reminds of the "Steps for Taking Responsibility":

1. Have a pleasant voice
2. Look the person in the eye
3. Calmly admit what I did and apologize
4. Don't say anything else

Step 4 solves a lot for us...

DeeDee

DeeDee, I like your sign. That's a great idea.


This is a really good way to make the point I think that the OP was trying to make with the band teacher (?). It clearly says "Sorry," "You were right," "I'm working on this with my child," and "He's got a ways to go yet."

No wonder I'm struggling with this one ... there are valid thoughts on all sides, aren't there? Thanks for all the replies.

DeeDee - love the rules, and I think that might go a long way to helping. And it takes the whole nuance issue that is a bit beyond him at the moment.

Yes, he was horsing around and shouldn't have been. Yes, it was disruptive, and yes, the teacher had a right be annoyed about having to deal with it. But she did sign up to teach band to mid-schoolers, so I don't think she was expecting adult behavior. And when she reprimanded him, he was contrite and owned it.

For me, the real struggle is how much my kid has to change to fit into a mid-school teacher's expectations of normal and acceptable and how much I push back because I realize he will NEVER be their brand of normal and shouldn't have to feel bad about himself continually for not navigating every social rule, especially when they are confusing even to some adults.

Yup. I'm on the fence too.

Apologize: smooth the waters and help teach your son people skills to apply to the "real world"

Educate teacher: improve the education system one teacher at a time.

Tough call. Can you do both? Apologize, and during, explain the behaviour. Then explain to your son how is behaviour could have been seen as being rude (even though he was right).

It's tough when they're right in situations like this. You have to make the judgment call between idealistic and realistic.

Sorry, but I'm still seeing this as a failure of emotional maturity on the part of the teacher. If this was really about student safety, that problem was solved the moment he came out of the closet. The teacher demonstrated severe EQ failure at a number of junctures:

- Child acknowledged the issue and apologized. It should have ended there. Teacher continued anyway.
- Child corrected a bad argument. Teacher escalated, dressing the child down publicly.
- After time had passed, the teacher, still wrapped up in anger, contacted the parent.
- The teacher escalated her behavior yet again when the parent didn't immediately go into contrition mode.

As I said, I agree with teaching your child to keep silent when an immature adult is ranting, as a way to cope with difficult people. The problem I have is this idea that it's somehow the child's fault the adult can't manage their emotions. It's not. He's the victim here.

When called on the bad fire alarm argument, the response of a mature, secure adult who isn't wrapped up in anger mode, who doesn't see a child as a threat, would be, "Fair point, but what about..."

Dude, I actually agree with you for the same reasons. I sent an email at the beginning of the year describing his quirks (will talk to you like a peer rather than authority figure but will willingly comply with your directions if they are clear to him), they have his IEP, and it is almost December - not two weeks in.

I contacted the special Ed chair and politely requested that she supply the band teacher with resources to help her understand children on the autism spectrum and those with specific traits like Aspergers so that she would be better equipped and more comfortable dealing with my son the next time the need arose. We'll see...

My ds was required to write an apology essay for being disrespectful in correcting his teacher in a similar situation. One of the things he had to write about is how he would change himself so something like that wouldn't happen again. He wrote about how hard it is having ADHD. He said he wasn't sure he could change himself in time to make sure it wouldn't happen again since he's been working on it for so long. He talked about how hard he tries, how bad he feels when he fails, and how he doesn't always understand why people get upset with him. I've never seen him write something so heart-felt, and it almost made me cry. I'm hoping it helped the teacher see that he's not just some smart-alecky kid but one who really struggles (and also, maybe the apology letter punishment was a little extreme).

Hmm...maybe the teacher will read it an gain a better understanding of the challenges your son faces. The letter could end up improving things for everyone involved.

How NBC news this morning described why a judge will treat Lindsey Lohan worse because she hit somebody, even if that somebody was just looking for her 15 minutes of fame:
"You should know better because you should know that you're a target."

It's always been, "you should have known better because you're the one who's smarter so you're more at fault." Makes me mad. I hear that almost Every. Single. Problem. I've ever had with anybody ever. I was told that about a teacher too, around your son's age. And different people say it. It's a obvious thing to say, I guess. With problems that other people start I dig in and don't like to let go- duh, they won't quit causing problems.

Sorry, I can't help you with much advice since I'm a newbie parent I ask you for advice more. All I've got's opinions. My kid told me the other day he got moved to yellow. He said it was because he was talking to Christopher. I asked, "which class?" He told me, I smiled and said, Aww, you made a friend. Maybe next time y'all can play on the playground. I think the hubby would have lectured him about how you go to school to learn and don't misbehave. I think he was learning more outside of school (educational learning) and that he just goes to school to socialize and behave and practice following the rules.

I just don't have much of a budget for books, but I think about buying some of the books they're selling here: http://inpraiseofargument.squarespace.com/teach-a-kid-to-argue/

There's a difference between saying the right answer and saying the right thing. I'm still not sure which I want to do. I used to know.