Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion 3 year old help!

Hi everyone. First, as this is my first, post, kind thanks to those who maintain this board.

I'll try to be brief... I have a question at the end....
My son, Nicholas, is 3 1/2 years old. He has reached every milestone well before his peers.. he knew alphabet before 1.5 years, spoke in sentences about that time as well. He can count very well, simple addition, subtraction, etc. His vocabulary and early reading (knows the "it" and "at" family very well for instance) is very good.

As of now we have not had him tested. My wife and I are both teachers (she teaches kindergarten, while I teach third and fourth grade). We both have fairly high iq's, whether that means anything or not, I'm uncertain. I even hold a MSEd with Spec in Literacy. So here's the problem...

Our son is in a preschool program at our school. The program is "Montessori". It affords for a lot of freedom to explore. BUT, Nicholas is uninterested in staying focused to work on tasks, instead is interested in bouncing around, peer to peer, and having discussions and physical interactions with his classmates. They don't feel the same desire to have those conversations with him. He has never hit or done anything to harm anyone, but seems not to take those cues from his peers that they want their space and to be left alone. One boy even bit him out of frustration. That needs to stop.

So, with that in mind:
1. Is his behaviour in line with socialization issues amongst the "gifted"? Or are we looking at something else?

2. He is highly interested in puzzles, Lego, etc, and "touching" and exploring things. He is very interested in computers. I'm wondering what I can suggest to the teacher that might interest him because she is at a loss for why he is not more engaged.

I am not looking for anyone to diagnose at this point, because I feel we already understand at the very least he is highly intelligent. What I'm looking for is for him to interact more positively with his peers. At this point they are looking at him as being a troublemaker because he is not fitting in socially. I don't want him labeled as such. I want this little guy (actually, he is VERY tall for his age...towers above his peers - he looks the size of a 4 1/2 or 5 year old) to have a more positive experience.

I really am so thankful for any replies.

Thanks,

Michael Kovacs

There is an essay around here somewhere (someone will be able to point you to it, I hope) about how socialization issues with gifted kids are often a matter of their being ahead socially, rather than behind as is commonly thought.

The problem is that they have higher expectations for friendship than what the other kids their age have. They expect to be able to hold conversations, be treated in a certain fashion, and the other kids aren't there yet, so they get frustrated (and/or the other kids do) and it comes across as being socially inept.

As for what you can suggest, can you not suggest puzzles, Legos and computers? Or is that not an option with Montessori? I've heard so many mixed things about it, but I'm not familiar with it myself. He's probably not engaged with what she wants him engaged with because it bores him to death.

Hi Michael,
It does maybe sound a bit like a mismatch of person, your son, and environment, preschool. My son just started preschool as well (he just turned 4) and it is not going very well. Just recently the teacher took me aside to tell me that he doesn't play at preschool and said that it seems like he doesn't know how to play. Since it is a play-based preschool this basically means that he doesn't do anything for most of the time. The teacher tried to assure me by saying that "some children are just behind in their development". We are, btw, not talking about playing with other kids here. He is behind with that. But playing in general has never been a problem. He started pretend play way before you'd expect and he can spend hours doing this at home. He loves Lego, does puzzles and logic games and visual-spatial games such as Super Mind and Rushhour. Most of the games he plays are age 8 and up. Like your son he reads and does some math. At preschool they now go on a letter hunt every day in order to learn the letters. My son knew those when he was 1.5 years, just like your son.
The other day I asked my son what he likes most about preschool. He said "When I learn new things" "Great" "Not so great - they never really teach us things. Do you know when they are going to start teaching us chemistry? And I am really exciting about learning more math". So I told him that this school is for playing. You should have seen the look on his face. Utter shock and despair. His eyes welled up and he said "But Mama, why did you sign me up at the wrong school? You know how much I love learning!" Since then he cries every night that he doesn't want to go to preschool any more.
I have thought of asking the teacher if we could donate some more appropriate toys. But I think she'll say no. Because these toys could not get used by most of the other kids and might be frustrating for them.
I am considering pulling him out and instead enrolling him in some courses and group things as he does need the social experience.
So, I do think this might be a normal reaction of not knowing what to do with himself. Is there a way you could get him to spend time with other gifted kids his age? I think often these kids do "tick" differently and it might feel nice to find like-minded kids. If my son could find another boy to talk about the periodic table of elements and do experiments with I would love that!
Hang in there!
Stefanie

My DS7 was very much in line with what you describe until he was around 5. Free-form exploring his still a big need of his; focus for him follows interest, also another commonly reported gifted characteristic. We seemed to have lucked out with his pre-school as they had a lot of hands on interactives that illustrated science concepts and those were things that really engaged him. It wasn't a Montessori program, and oddly Montessori sounded perfect philosophically, but when we looked at the programs they were oddly inflexible and dogmatic.

There's a lot of that going around, here! It's just heartbreaking.

Yes, I am getting that more and more ...
I told him the real school will start next year but - having done my research and found out that he reached the learning outcomes for K when he was 2 - in my mind all I could think was that it will be the same mismatch! Can you imagine that disappointment? We are strongly considering homeschooling.

Edited to add: I meant to quote this "There's a lot of that going around, here! It's just heartbreaking." Sorry, new here!

Wish I could only imagine it, I'm thinking many of us experienced it ourselves when we were kids and are hoping to do better for our kids.

Yes my ds I can tell thinks something is wrong with him because he can see he doesn't enjoy the parts of school he's told he should. After yet another lecture on peaceful calm behavior he came home and said, "I only feel peaceful when I'm running". We've had to go into damage control mode, making a point to let him know how we love that he is "peppy". I don't see how to avoid it, homeschooling him would drive us crazy.

On puzzles, does his Montessori have the big wood set of country puzzles. DS gets a lot of mileage out of those, has done them all but is now using the pieces as imaginary characters in a story, connecting all the puzzles into new worlds, "Orangelandia", etc.

There's really no way to make DSs classroom truly engaging for him, it would have to look like our house - Montessori is the antithesis of the entropic mess we live in. So there's just going to be friction. For us it's still better than the alternatives. And it does challenge his ability to make do with what he's given.

Welcome to the boards.

Whether it is a gifted thing, a personality thing, or something else, it would seem the more controlled environment of Montessori would be a tough match for a very social, tactile learner. I student taught one semester in Montessori, and I well remember one young child who was viewed by the staff as a "problem student", when, in fact, he appeared to me to be quite normal - just not their definition of normal.

Since he is quite social, have you considered finding a placement that is less focused in academics? It isn't like he is going to need to catch up for kindergarten, and if he is gifted, he'll do plenty of learning on his own. Just a thought...

Your son sounds very much like my 3 1/2 year old son - very social and active. I agree with some of the other posts that perhaps it's more the environment rather than your son that's the problem. My son goes to a more play-based preschool and has been very fortunate to have a very loving and attentive teacher who noticed from the get go that my son was much more cognitively advanced than his peers. The teacher has been very intentional about making sure that he is challenged cognitively, otherwise he has been known to act silly to get the teacher's/other students' attention. For instance, she created special corners for him in the room with a writing journal, jigsaw puzzle maps of the united states (he's really into geography at the moment), etc. She also encourages him to read to the other kids and gives him "homework" (dot to dots, word searches, math problems, etc.) to give him some extra challenge. But beyond all that, the teacher has been excellent about helping him navigate the social world of a 3 1/2 year old.