Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Lying about homework and ADHD?

DS11 is struggling along with a hugely increased workload this year in 6th grade and he has taken to lying to "manage" his workload. He is dysgraphic and ADHD and his teachers send some of the weekly work home on Friday so that he can work ahead over the weekend. The volume of work along with his slow speed on writing-intensive work such as required note-taking and comprehension questions require that he spend about 4-6 hours on homework over the weekend in addition to working 1-2 hours per weeknight.

He is allowed to use his computer freely for all assignments and the assignments are all fairly high quality. The kids are being trained to consistently take good notes using the Cornell system and think critically through the questions that have to be answered. No complaints there.

Unfortunately, DS has adopted a system of lying and underreporting assignments or exaggerating how much he has done in order to get more free time. I know he is very frustrated with the workload and feels that he rarely gets the downtime that he craves. He has spoken to me about the unfairness of struggling with his attention issues and writing. I have caught him lying this way about 4 times already this year.

The first time I made him stay up very late to finish a series of "hidden" daily assignments. The next time I suspended video game privileges. The next time he lost privileges and I made sure he made up all the assignments and worked ahead over almost a whole weekend. He lost almost all free time that weekend (as did I as I sat with him and kept him on track) but later agreed that he gained free time and sleep time the next week, made better grades and that it was "worth it." I thought experiencing some success from doing all assignments well and getting a pay back during the week might be enough.

Again he has repeated this behavior yesterday. I am baffled. He has been punished repeatedly, we have reasoned through how self-defeating this behavior is many times, discussed the importance of trust and "your word," talked and talked about delaying gratification both in school and in life and had a little taste of the success of working ahead. What is left? I proposed a death penalty sanction on the video games for the next time he misleads me about homework.

I know he is very frustrated. Sixth grade at DS' school is very rigorous. It is doubly rigorous for him. However, the teachers are excellent and the work he is learning to do is very valuable. I can appreciate how hard this year is for him but I can't accept lying as a way to manage his frustration and his workload.

Has anyone BTDT with an ADHD kid? Is this at all typical behavior or a plain old character flaw in DS? Suggestions?

Is it possible that the reason he is lying is because he sees it as the only way to have any control over how overwhelmed he is?

We have an accomodation that allows us to diminish work load on nights when he's overwhelmed, and it completely changed his attitude. He needs down time - his poor brain is exhausted from keeping up at school and then being taxed with all the work that completely exhausts him in ways it doesn't for others.

Unless you see the lying in other parts of his life, I'd see this as a cry for help and go back to the school and ask for reduced work load on nights that there is an inordinate amount of written work assigned or on nights when you can see your kiddo is more exhausted than usual.

DD doesn't have ADD, but we've seen stuff like this from her on occasion, as well. In her case, it's flatly task-avoidance.

We tried the same strategies with stunningly similar results.

I have no good advice-- just to keep on top of things as needed and periodically back off to see whether or not he's outgrown it.

I finally see the light at the end of this tunnel with DD now that she is 13. We still have the occasional tiff over avoidance (and always with the subject she finds actually challenges her... hmmm), but in general, she has become MUCH more responsible and self-regulating in this regard.

I would assume that with an ADHD child, that process is naturally going to be delayed somewhat-- so scaffolding additional supports (no, PROVE to me that you have done x, y, and z by showing me your work when you finish... if you have been dishonest about your homework tonight, there will be consequence A and B when I find out...) beyond what agemates might need.

This is all so complicated when you begin trying to tease apart what is age-appropriate, grade-appropriate, etc. Bottom line, when the work is distasteful enough to be worth avoiding in the moment, that is how this is going to go, and only knowing that there is someone checking up on him is going to keep it from happening. Even that may not be enough if the avoidance in the moment seems superior to the delayed punishment for the offense.

Really, even NT kids are all over the map on this one at this age. A lot of them lie about it.

I wondered about this too. My ds12 (7th grade, 2nd year of middle school) doesn't have ADHD but has dysgraphia and an expressive language disorder, and homework can take him up to 3 times as long to complete as most of the neurotypical students in his class - not because he's not capable of doing it, simply because it takes a long time for him to "write" (even with his accommodations). He's also tired *really* really tired at the end of the typical school day, and I think it's easy as a parent to not realize or forget the effort it takes for kids with ADHD or learning challenges to hold everything together just getting through the school day. Disappearing into his video games when he gets home is his "out" to hide away from the world and recharge.

quote=ABQMom]We have an accomodation that allows us to diminish work load on nights when he's overwhelmed, and it completely changed his attitude. He needs down time - his poor brain is exhausted from keeping up at school and then being taxed with all the work that completely exhausts him in ways it doesn't for others.[/q]

Our ds also has this accommodation. Do you think your ds' teachers realize how much time your ds is spending on homework? If you haven't talked to them about their expectations, I'd do that right away. They may be thinking they are sending home assignments that are going to take 30 minutes to do and not realizing that 30 minutes is stretching into a much longer time for your ds.


I agree with ABQMom on all of this

Best wishes,

polarbear

This is so true - and I've found that teachers don't really understand or see the impact that these types of challenges have on how long it takes to complete homework.

As mon said, every student is different. For our ds, a piece of his disability is organizational skills (he has developmental coordination disorder) - and this impacted his ability to keep track of homework assignments as well as simply bringing home what he needed for each class at night etc. Sixth grade was his first year of middle school and switching classes, and rather than let it go and let him deal with consequences, I chose to work very closely with him every day to make sure he was on top of his assignments. When I picked him up at school I asked him specifically about every class he had, what homework did he have in that class, when was it due. We checked his backpack to make sure he had all the books etc that he needed to do his homework that night. I checked his locker to make sure he'd put all his papers in binders etc. When we were home we made a plan on what homework he'd work on when (and included downtime... including Minecraft ;)). I made sure he had snacks and wasn't hungry. I checked in with him frequently to make sure he was making progress (and also to encourage him to use his laptop rather than handwriting). His school was sending home monthly updates that listed grades as well as missing assignments etc and I reviewed all that with him, and if he had something missing we found it and had him turn it in; if he had a low grade on something I had him ask why and follow up with makeup work if the teacher offered it. It was a *ton* of oversight and I'm sure the parents of NT kids here are thinking "what the heck????" but... after a year of that uber-oversight, my ds did get to a place where this year he's doing fairly well handling all of that on his own. I haven't needed to do that with my other kids, and I doubt that most parents ever need to - but a big part of my ds' challenge is that he needs a lot of repetition to develop automaticity in these types of tasks. Sometimes, for some kids, it can help to step in and just manage the situation as a way of teaching them how to learn how to do it for themselves.

Might be totally irrelevant for your ds .. but it occurred to me that organizational skills are sometimes a challenge for kids with ADHD.

polarbear

I think your son is overwhelmed. He needs down time, too, and rather than punishing him, I think you might be better served by finding a solution to the issue. His schedule sounds like pure drudgery to me.

Are there ways he can learn what he's supposed to learn from the homework without spending so much time on it? Can he dictate to you? Can he do every-other problem? Can you read to him, if that will speed things up? Have you talked to the teachers about how long the work takes? Can they make accommodations? Do they have suggestions? Can you get him a 504 that will require modifications to his homework?

One of my boys is 2E with dyslexia, and if I think he knows the material, I will help him finish his homework faster (dictating or whatever). It's allowed in his 504. So far he hasn't had this issue, but I would also read a chapter to him if that would help him access his reading more quickly.

A different accommodation I make for my DYS 10 (his twin brother), is that I let him stay home from school when he gets overwhelmed. But he's not overwhelmed by the work-- it's the slow pace that gets him down. Plus, he's in virtually every outside activity he can squeeze in and school interferes with his passions. (FLL, Semantics, sports, violin.) If he was homeschooled, we would be able to fit everything in more easily, but since he goes to school, we need to find an escape valve. He gets perfect grades, so I'm perfectly willing to help him find a balance by letting him stay home. Is that an option for your son? And maybe he could catch up on homework a little bit at the same time. (My son is home right now, in fact, and he has to finish his AOPS homework today.)

By the way, my thoughts come from the camp of woulda-shoulda. I was really hard on my son in elementary school and made him do hours of homework in hopes of forcing him to catch up. Dysgraphia is often part of a developmental delay, and sometimes all that is needed is time. I wish I'd gone easier on him and advocated harder for less work, because all it did was build anxiety and a dislike for school that has taken years to repair.

Thanks for all the collective wisdom. I think you are all right about DS being overwhelmed. I especially relate to your last post Lisa. I was more like my focused, verbal DD9 who whizzes through homework. It's hard for me to see schoolwork avoidance from DS' perspective sometimes. It's tempting to think that DS needs to learn more persistence and that the struggle teaches him something. Both of those ideas are only true up to a certain point.

I will talk to his LA teacher and tell her about the time commitment involved for the homework. She is a gift from heaven. She did a year-long professional development project based on a dysgraphic former student in completing her "All Kinds of Minds" training. She GETS it and I know she will work with us. She also loves DS and recognizes how extremely bright and capable he is despite some of his glitches at times.

I hope fwtxmom won't take offense to what I will write below. My DS is not as old as yours (aged 8) He is in the French equivalent for 3rd grade, so definetely with less homework than in 6th grade. He is dyslexic, has a lot of problem with writing and ADD. He can spend much more time than the others for his homework ....
I completly agree with others about that if he is lying, it is not a matter of respect or whatever ... It is a matter of "survival". 11 is on the edge of adolescence and much care have to be taken on the mental aspects of life so close to this turning point. I understand that school is important and that you wish your son succeed. Everybody does, but at one point, pros and cons of hard work have to be weighted. Is lying an hidden request for help ? Please do not think that I am acusing you of being a bad mother or so (a French shrink speciality that I hate). Even if my DS is younger than yours, I daily face the same issue.
I just attended last weekend a conference on giftedness, and every speakers tell that much of gifted children success depend on self-esteem. It is not a discovery, but working on selfesteem is defenitly not an easy thing with ADD kids. PUnishing is not a way to work selfesteem. Try to discuss with him why he is lying, make him understand that what you dislike is his behaviour and not his own person (so that he understands that the love you have for him is not affect by that), try to make him think on how he can manage without lying to you. May be you could tell him that you prefer that he admits that he does not complete his homework rather than lying. Then, he has to accept the consequences for not completing. But, I do not think that punishing is a constructive way for that especially for ADD kids. These kids need rewards (immediate not delayed) for what is done (even if not completed). But, instead of an hour playing (or whatever leisure) it could be half an hour. So the reward is still there but there are also the drawbacks of a not completed work. Moreover this presents the advantage of allowing him to still have spare time what is definitely as important as having the work done to my mind...

PS : my opinion for my son (each kid s different from the other): When doing the homework, I always wonder where is the point where he will start hating school ... I have no answer to that. But it is truly a source of anxiety for me.