Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Providing Appropriate Support For College Students

Briefly, my daughter is 21 ADHD and Gifted, on her first of what are likely to be several years of being a senior in college, and struggling to find the right balance of work, classes and playing. She lives with roommates near campus, works on campus, and enjoys college life.

But she is constantly in the edge of out of control - not dealing with financial aid forms and issues, dropping classes and replacing with other classes that won't count towards her major (fine arts), and never reaches out for help until it is panic mode. She refuses to get accommodations for the ADHD, takes her Aderol sporadically (doesn't like how it inhibits creativity). She wasn't diagnosed ADHD until last year, although I've definitely seen it in her since she was little. But extreme participation in sports kept it in check so that she functioned quite well.

Any advice, been-there-done-thats, etc. for dealing with 2E barely adult children who still need help? The yoyoing of trying to give gentle reminders, provide a bit of a safety net to just wanting to wash my hands of the crazy-making is taking a bit of a toll.

Is there an actual problem other than her not wanting to learn how to cope with the administrative burdens of college?

Is it a financial drain on you or are you just being driven crazy by her unwillingness/inability to cope?

It isn't a financial burden on us, because we cut that part off several years ago. It's just not knowing the right balance between sink and swim. And, yes, it's crazy-making.

ABQ, that's so hard.

Her professors are likely not allowed to offer accommodations unless she gets them officially-- they are probably about as frustrated with her as you are.

Are you willing to fund college indefinitely, or would you cut off the funding at some point if she doesn't finish? It would be good for her to know what her deadline is in advance, so she can try to plan to hit that goal, if that's what she wants to do.

DeeDee

Does she have an actual plan and/or goals?

Or is she just kind of wandering toward her degree and then...?

Oh, no, she has very specific plans - BA in Fine Arts, Masters in Psychology. She wants to be a children's art therapist. And she'd be amazing at it. But while she knows what she wants to be at point K, she procrastinates and avoids dealing with the details that will get her to point B.

If she was just wandering through college finding herself, I think I could remove myself easier. But because I see that she wants something and still doesn't seem to have the tools to cope with the parts that are hard for her, I hate to just totally let her crash and burn.

My younger child did crash and burn his freshman year but has since picked up his own pieces and is taking control and doing well in college. But he doesn't have ADHD and isn't strung so tight emotionally. I knew he could handle - and needed - to fall flat on his face in order to take control of his own goals and get on the right track.

For my daughter, I just don't seem to be able to discern what is "crash and burn"-worthy and what could still reasonably be needed in the way of help.

Totally agree with this.

If you're not paying, you have very limited ability to set any kind of boundaries in any case. FERPA means she doesn't even have to tell you how she's doing.

I would, though, try hard to make her aware of the consequences of her choices (say, if she is piling up loans)-- that sort of thing is hard for an ADHD person to see clearly, and she could really saddle herself with problems for later.

Does she even want help in getting it together? If she does, the coach is a good idea. If she doesn't, you may just have to gear up for a zen-like acceptance of the fact that her life is going to be like this until she chooses otherwise.

DeeDee

Well, she has an actual destination in mind, so she just needs to develop coping skills and related techniques if she wants to avoid taking the Adderall.

Does she actually recognize that she needs to address this problem?

Yes. And she expresses remorse and frustration with herself for the problems she's created for herself by avoiding tasks she finds overwhelming - making phone calls, making and keeping appointments, filling out paperwork, etc.

Right now I remind her of deadlines, things she hasn't taken care of, etc. I offer to help her with the paperwork once she has all the information, etc. but despite knowing she needs help, she gets prickly when I bring things up. If she were just being lazy, I wouldn't help, because then the consequences would fit the behavior. But she is trying - just doesn't seem to be able to get beyond the fear/dislike of doing some of the administrative things she has to do. The need to avoid is stronger than the need to take care of things.

We're not in a position to pay someone to help her, but I think I will suggest that she find a friend in college going for engineering or accounting, etc. that maybe she could trade help with.

Go Art Therapy!

I'm a registered art therapist and licensed clinical counselor. Sigh, your dd has chosen a tough path - rewarding but tough. I don't have ADHD but can sympthasize somewhat as I have a very strong "spontaneous" disposition due to my artist-side (or I always blamed in on being left-handed).

I think JohnLaw's question is paramount: does she understand that this is not only working for her in the present, but will not work for her in the future?

I would be happy to answer any of your or dd's questions if you want to PM me. Here's a few thoughts I have off the top of my head. First off, most art therapy master's programs are highly competetive (though there was less choice when I went 17 years ago...eek). That is because most programs are highly selective and only take about 10-20 students per year. The program I was in was for dual art therapy and also clinical counseling (for licensing purposes) and only took 8 full-time students a year. I chose my program because it had a many opportunities for scholarships and assistantships. Master's degrees (especially from some of the elite schools that offer art therapy) are TOUGH to pay for on a $30K/year starting social service salary (and that's if you're lucky...double sigh). I was fortunate that my schooling was paid for (including a stipend) my first year. That being said: she needs to get serious about her academics (especially her psychology classes). Not that the fine arts classes don't matter...but all B's in pyschology won't cut it. In the long run, an art therapist (while needing to have an understanding of the art process, materials, and how art can create change in a person) is a clinician. We are expected to diagnose, work as independent clinicians, and become licensed (differs by state).

That being said, I would highly HIGHLY recommend that she do some volunteer work (if she is not required to do internships or practicums for her bachelors) where she gets a sense of working with different client populations, gain clinical experience, and even determine if this is a right fit for for her. Additionally, masters programs will want her to have hands-on experience with kids, adults and senoirs.

Lastly, I cannot emphasize how important it is for a therapist to go through their own therapy. I did not enter into therapy until my master's program (we were required), but I wish I would've even started earlier. As a student, I received free counseling from my college counseling center (I requested a working professional - not a master's level student) with an excellent psychologist. He was not an art therapist, but was very open to me bringing in my artwork/writing. It was through therapy that I saw the personal flaws that would affect me personally and professionally, and also worked through issues that would've become stumbling blocks for me as a therapist attmempting to help others.

What an asset your dd can use when applying for graduate school: that she faced her challenges head on and has first-hand experience that she can share with her future clients.