Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Trying not to give up on school already

Hi all.
DGS6 has had to talk to the principal 3 times this year already (3 weeks of school) and has lost recess more often than that. We have already taken one "mental health" day.

The initial IEP meeting was good, but only the principal and the school counselor seem to be taking any of the suggestions seriously. We don't have the formal written IEP yet, but I don't know if I can let my boy suffer while I wait on the school.

His teacher does not understand the difference between fair and equal. DGS probably has Asperger's, does have sensory issues and auditory processing problems and his teachers expect him to be able to behave just like all the other kids, sit still, understand directions in a noisy gym with 50 others kids in it, understand complex social concepts like treating everyone with respect, even if he thinks they don't deserve it. He is also very literal, so some things just don't make sense.

Today he got sent to the principal for pushing a kid in PE. What he told me was that the coach told them to get in a circle and "do nothing." He still has no idea what they were supposed to be doing. He got into trouble for not following directions and pushing other kids, who pushed him first. He didn't know what he was supposed to do and got frustrated and pushed the other kid "harder than he pushed me."

DGS is resisting the idea of homeschooling, but I don't know if he is going to make it in public school this year. He is acting out school, and it is getting worse. He does not act out at home, but we are making sure to be calm, consistent and keep our directions to 2 steps or less and keep distractions to a minimum. School is difficult.

When I spoke about homeschooling, the school said he needed the socialization. What if the "socialization" is too much for him. Is it doing him more harm than good?

Thanks for letting me rant. Any suggestions would be welcome. I am getting really frustrated.

Leahchris

For what it is worth, most people use the socialization excuse for not homeschooling. My daughter tried school last year and it was NOT a good fit. The same stuff. They gym was entirely too loud for her, as was the cafeteria (the smells would even bother her in there). Let's not mention what a fire drill does for her senses - yeah, she is done for the day.

We are back to homeschooling and she is thriving. I think "home" schooling is a myth as most days we have trouble staying home as there is so much to do outside of the house - and all of it includes some form of socialization.

Here are some socialization articles:
http://www.lewrockwell.com/orig/zysk1.html
http://www.tnhomeed.com/LRSocial.html

Best of luck!

Hi Leahchris,

I don't think you should give up on school yet, but I do think you have some problem-solving to do. Most of the school folks obviously don't know yet how to support your DGS so that he can be successful. Job 1 is to get the IEP signed and working. Job 2 is to get the knowledge of what DGS needs spread around to all the teachers (incuding gym!) where it can be useful. This job can also be explicitly written into the IEP as mandatory teacher training.

Who's on your team so far, besides you? Any private therapy folks? Any educational advocate types?

My DS was extremely difficult to manage in kindergarten and first grade. Here is what we did. We got a home ABA therapy program going to work on compliance with instructions, handwriting, and other skills he found difficult. The person who ran that program also served as a professional interface with the school: he essentially helped the teachers to see what DS needed, and helped them meet DS's needs, in a very non-confrontational way that left me out of it.

We also had to hire an educational advocate; she came to all our IEP meetings and helped us negotiate for appropriate training for the teachers, appropriate services for DS, and helped the staff understand DS too. This wasn't really duplication of effort: the ABA therapist helped the school staff see the needs from a "here's how we work on this" point of view, while the advocate helped us write an IEP that was clear, measurable, legally binding, and maximally helpful.

It has been a journey to educate the teachers at our local elementary school, which has rarely served kids with autism before mine: some already "got it," some had to work hard to "get it," some realized a week in "whoa, this is more than I bargained for" and stepped up their game and became rock stars for DS. A few never got it, but after that year the principal stepped up and made sure that we haven't gotten any more of those. This community has really gotten on board to make things work for DS.


No, I don't think you should let him suffer, because the more anxious he gets, the worse his behavior will get.

I'd probably make a polite phone call to the principal tomorrow and explain it in the terms you used here. Along these lines: "DGS is having a rough time; I think he needs more direct instruction and support in complying with instructions and understanding complex social situations. A lot of what's going on around him isn't making sense to him, and he's really stressed out. How can we make this better for him?" Make sure the answer includes finishing the IEP, and teacher training. You should have input into the final IEP wording, and it should include direct instruction and support in the areas where he is weak.


At various points we have considered pulling our DS out of public school to homeschool, and we haven't done it. Our therapy team thinks, and we agree, that there is real value for a person with Asperger's in having to learn to follow the social rules that are a huge part of the school environment. Those rules are very like the arbitrary but important rules that happen in workplaces. Lots of adults with AS can't hold jobs because the arbitrary rules and social stuff drive them crazy, so learning to cope with that aspect of life is a crucial skill.

At age 10, after some years of therapy and IEPs, my DS is doing well; I'm glad we stuck it out, even though it was bumpy and difficult. Some families who have AS kids prefer to homeschool because it IS less stressful; there is no one answer.

DeeDee

Do you know for sure that the school is interpreting his behavior the way you say they are?

My son had a terrible time settling into kindergarten last year. We got notes home about hitting, pushing, talking during class, refusing to follow directions, etc etc. we were beside ourselves. We wanted meetings and plans and solutions. We wanted them yesterday, not next week.

And, then, my friend the guidance counselor who has been at the school for 25 years said, "oh, this happens every year. The little boys who are smart and active and funny always spend the first 9 weeks of school pushing every limit we have and testing every rule and boundary. Then, they settle down and everything is fine."

My kid has sensory issues, and auditory defensiveness, and fine motor skills, and anxiety, and has been evaluated for Aspergers, but once we got over that really rocky road, you would never know the issues, because he has thrived.

I would push the school to take you and your GS seriously, but I would also separate out the facts of the situation from my fears of the situation.

This is exactly our reason for continuing in public school for now. My ASD son is 9.

Hi all. Thanks for your input. We are not giving up yet, but I have a couple more questions.

We are looking at weekly vision therapy, occupational therapy and counseling (for attachment disorder), only one of which can be done at school. We may also have to have physical therapy, but that is not a given. He will probably also attend social skills classes.

We are in a rural area and all appointments are 45 minutes to an hour away, and we are already leaving school early one day a week.

My question is: when is school plus all the appointments too much for a 6yo? DGS is prone to meltdowns when over stimulated and has too many transitions. Do you have strategies for successfully navigating all the appointments, sensory stimuli and transitions? Sometimes when we get to our destination he is too upset and exhausted to really do well.

This board is a lifesaver. Thanks for the advice.

leahchris

Hi Leahchris,

Yes, this is one of the hardest things: squeezing in all these things, while knowing that this kid needs more, not less, time to relax.

Our DS got OT and PT for a while through school; but the bulk of his therapy has taken place at home. We were able to get ABA therapy, which had the enormous advantage of working on all the issues, including gross and fine motor, social language, social psychology, interaction skills, many different things. This meant that providers came to us, DS worked hard but mostly in our house, and we were able to deal with fewer people.

If something like that isn't available to you, you may have to prioritize. Get what you can done at school. Figure out how to meet some needs by doing something fun and relaxing-- we have variously done swim lessons and horseback riding to work on gross motor skills. Or decide that you are going to work on some things for a while, then tackle something else.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. I am strongly in favor of getting all the therapy that is needed, and my DS has been overscheduled since kindergarten as a result (and, by the way, he has learned to cope with that); but you do have to make choices that can be sanely managed within the resources of your family.

DeeDee

Leahchris,

You are in a tough spot because it sounds like your DGS has a lot of needs that you would like to address as soon as possible. It may be too much for him with your commute. If you have to prioritize, is there one area that needs to be addressed sooner than the others?

FWIW, when my DD was in VT, we had problems with after school appointments. She was exhausted and suffering from eyestrain and headaches. Eventually, we chose to have her VT appointments first thing in the morning. Also, our VT required a lot of home exercises and getting DD to cooperate was challenging. I don't know that she could have handled anything else at the time.

eta: I meant that she couldn't handle anything else therapeutic or academic. She still took piano and played a sport for most of the 8 month period that we did VT.

I wonder if you can use all those services as a way of building in a "mental health" day each week. I don't know how straining each of these services will be BUT if you can do them all in one day, say on Wednesday, you can break up the challenges of the school week. I.e. 2 days of school, Wed morning drive the 45 minutes do one of the services, take a break for lunch then do the other service and counseling, then drive the 45 minutes back, then 2 more days of school. Or maybe do this every Friday so has a shortened 4 day school week.

I have begun to schedule appointments for the afternoon, just before school gets out. School can be SO stressful for 2E kids. I'm with DeeDee - my DD's schedule includes dance classes, swim lessons, horseback riding, acting, classes, etc. For her these sorts of activities are as important as any therapy.

Good luck!

Pemberley,

Thanks for the suggestion for the shortened school week. DGS now was OT and VT on Tuesdays and his OT worked out the wording (she's done it before!) to put a 4-day school week into his IEP and will help us push for it. Also, the principal is behind us on this as well. Since DGS is gifted and won't fall behind with just four days of instruction, it is not a real concern. The principal is most concerned about the state's attendance monitoring, but if it is in the IEP then he is covered.

Counseling will continue be at school for the time being. The outside counselor felt that the play therapy is what he needs at this age and since we are working on his severe sensory modulation disorder with the OT, the outside counselor feels that his anxiety will begin to diminish and we will get a better idea whether he really needs additional counseling in time.

So, now we wait some more. We need reports from everyone to have a really productive IEP and that will take a couple more weeks.

I must remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. (Some of the best advice I've had, btw.)

leahchris