Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Can we talk about behavioral problems?

I have mentioned before about my 6 yo dd's behavior and how she is emotional intense. She has been this way for awhile now but lately it seems worse, or perhaps it's because I realize she is nearly 6 1/2 now and shouldn't be throwing fits/temper tantrums 10 times a day.

How many of you also have this problem? What types of triggers have you noticed cause this behavior? What have you found to be successful to deal with the behavior?

For my 6 yo dd it seems to be a problem with lack of control. Whenever something doesn't seem to go how she wants it she loses it. Usually when it comes to play with either her friends or her older sister. She will storm off to her room where she will cry and kick the door. After the initial anger has worn off she will literally stay in her room for hours until the friends/or her sister give in to what she wants. In the past, due to concern about her spending too much time in her room, I have encouraged her to come out and do an activity with me (she will still be mad at whoever upset her). She doesn't seem to be able to communicate her feelings very well and can't handle not having control of the play.

My kids have never done that but ideas that may be helpful:
1) She may have poorer control when she is tired. Make sure she has an early/good bed time and she goes to bed on time each night.
2) Does she do that everywhere? Or is it around you but not at school or at the babysitter? Sometimes kids do things only around mommy!
Try a reward board- put up a sticker board and you two can come up with prizes/rewards. 2 points = play a game with mom; 4 points = extra story at bedtime; 6 points = extra 20 minutes on saturday night watching TV, etc.
Don't take points away but give a point for every 30 minutes (or whatever; every 2 hours, etc) for no tantrum. Keep praising for no tantrums.

Yes, that was my daughter... exactly. The first 6 or 7 years of her life took about 20 off of mine!

Her grade 2 teacher saved my sanity by telling me that my daughter was "highly atypical, extremely complex, and had the best adult manipulation skills I've ever witnessed." This from a teacher with 10+ years experience, so at least 240 kids in her class, plus all the others in the school that she had contact with. This helped me IMMENSELY because I knew it wasn't my parenting... my daughter was just really really intense.

I wish I had some tips and advice... I can tell you, though, that my daughter has mellowed tremendously with age (she's 9 1/2 now). It gets better...

My oldest was very intense when she was little. I learned that I could not overstimulate her by packing too much into one day, or she'd end up in meltdown. Often we'd do a couple of things in the morning, come home where I would tell her she needed quiet time and then we'd head back out in the afternoon for more activities. Without that unwind time by herself in her room, she'd end up crying and just unable to handle much of anything.

So if you can find ways to help her "center" and get away from the stimulus, she may handle stressors better.

That being said, when my daughter was about six, she decided that she'd escalate the drama to kicking the door. I told her if she kicked the door again, she would lose the door and not have one on her room. She kicked it to test me, and I took the door off its hinges. One day without the luxury of a door, and she was willing to apologize and agree to not kick things. It didn't stop the drama, but it did stop her from being destructive during the drama.

She grew out of it about six or seven, but she still needs alone time as an adult. I do think that getting her into climbing really helped. Learning to focus the frustration, intense emotion and drama into energy that helped her climb harder gave her a great outlet and helped exhaust her where she could handle things a lot better.

Hang in there. For us, the worst was over by first grade.

It's no fun to storm off to your room if no one comes to get you. Tell her that taking a time to calm is ok, but that you are sending her friend(s) home after ten minutes if she doesn't come out of her room to work out the issue (set this up beforehand). When she storms off to her room, don't let anyone cajole her out....she's a stubborn one, she'll call your bluff and and possibly up the ante. But it's crucial to not give in once you set the rule...even the slightest give in will reinforce that she must act up even more to get her way. Unless she is at serious risk of harming herself (more than head banging and punching walls), let her come to you. It will be a no fun process, but she'll at least change the room stand off. "Transforming the a Difficult Child" is a great resource to help you

She only does it when she is with myself, dh, or her sister but it can happen at places outside the home if we are with her (friend's house, family, etc).

I will give that a try. It's getting to the point where I don't want her to have friends over anymore or go for playdates. I'm pretty consistent with how I handle her tantrums. I always have her go to her room until she is calm. She's so used to it she doesn't even argue, just heads of to her room screaming and crying and slamming the door. The other day she took all her toys and stuff in her room (minus books thank goodness) and barricaded herself in her room.

I think I have pinpointed the problem for her. It's all about control. She seems to want to have control of the situation, whether it's with friends, her sister, or myself. Things have to be at her pace or on her terms.

This is the key issue here. Just let her mope in her room for however long she wants to be there.

Or the door off the hinges. I really like that one. Maybe I'll use it for my 6 year old DS door kicker.

I agree. But the only time I have gone to get her was after she spent 90 min. in her room. And only rarely have her sister and her friend gone to get her b/c I actually won't let them. I tell them to leave her alone and she'll come out when she is ready.

My son Aiden is 5 and is currently in Play Therapy for Anger and anxiety specifically. ASide from the issues with his learning environment, which have now all been addressed and changed, the things that she said that have helped the most are this:

1. Expressing Anger is healthy! even if your child is yelling at you it's fine and permissible! They are expressing their emotions.
2. 3 x rules for when feeling angry. No hurting yourself, no hurting others, no destroying property.
3. Anger needs a physical outlet to dissapate. So we got a huge trampoline, he learnt to ride his bicycle, he asks dad to take him for a run or to the driving range with his little golf clubs. We are also going to set up a small boxing punching bag and a messy art corner so that he can use paint or whatever to express the anger in a big physical way too.
4. Intense, gifted kids often believe/feel they are older than they really are. So they believe that they should have more autonomy. It means they need to feel in control of their own lives. We have given Aiden as much freedom to make his own choices as is possible for a smart 5 year old. We have set general guidelines and we now let him choose within this framework. He chooses his own bathtime, his own bedtime (loosely), how much he eats at each meal, his own clothes, what time we leave for activities that are for him, what he does for learning time, what pieces he will practice for violin each day etc. The more control they have, the less they will feel the need to force control in other situations.

For me, the main thing I have realised is this: Even though they are smart, they are still also little. And when they are faced with these HUGE, intense emotions, they also get scared. They need our love MORE when they seem to "deserve" it less. It's a longer, harder way, but they need to know that we love them even when they are angry and controlling - otherwise it feeds the performance anxiety and perfectionism for our approval.

I hope that it helps you... I am truly grateful to hear that he will grow into himself and so glad to read another referral for Transforming the difficult child. Mine arrives in 2 weeks time! yay!