Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school running away three year old

Respectfully, I feel obliged to say that your post reminded me very much of my relationship with my mother in particular and also of our DD8's relationship with her teacher this year--neither of which are models for successful relationships. Particularly with at least some gifted kids who have a strong sense of independence, IMO it is very important to not just 'pull rank' and have an authoritarian approach to dealing with disagreements because you are just setting yourself up for much bigger problems down the road, particularly when your kid gets older. I think it can be important to explain the rationale (i.e., safety and what could happen--toned down if necessary) and also to offer choices when possible--for example, "you can hold my hand or [another adult's or older kid's] hand in the parking lot, but drivers often have trouble seeing kids when they're backing out and one of my jobs is to keep you safe--so what do you choose?" Again respectfully, it sounds to me like your son feels like he does not have as much control as he would like over at least some of the particulars in his life, so I think it might be helpful to consider finding some ways to give him more choices (or apparent choices) so that he can find a constructive outlet for his independence.

That way, IMO, the situation is framed less like it's you against him and more like you are trying to solve a problem together.

Best wishes,
Dbat

It sounds like you are a finding a good balance between safety and sympathy. I would encourage him to explore 'in his imagination.' For example, I would encourage him to write a nonfiction book about safety for 3 year olds. As if he was writing for an audience of 3 year olds to learn the rules of what is safe to do and not to do. That way he gets to experience freedom, satisfy his need to be seen as an athority, and you get to see what his ideas about safety actually are. It may be that he can safely cross a quiet street and once you know what he is ready to handle you can give him some bigger opportunities.

Then you can encourage him to do some fictional adventure stories about kids who didn't follow the rules.

I would also load him up with household responsibilities, so he can feel 'responsible' - he may be able to do some laundry chores, some kitchen chores. A friend told me that the trick to getting children to do chores was to let them do jobs that they were a breath away from being able to do successfully. I didn't have much luck with it, but it sounds good.

As for leaving the park, that's a tough one. I think I was still wearing a sling at that point, and offered the choice:Do you want to leave like a big boy or do you want Uppies? If mine couldn't or wouldn't leave 'like a big boy' then it was 'up and into the sling.' I only like to play games if the deck is stacked in my favor. We were lucky that there weren't times when I'd have to do a punishment later. (Usually the problem was that he'd throw a pebble at a friend and so it was time to leave in a 'up and into the sling' way. Suprising that it took such a bright boy so many times to learn, but learn he did.) I also had a watch with a timer, so I would start the whole thing by offering to go now or in 5 minutes. We called it his 'time to do the last thing.'
The next town over had an 'indoor sports center' which was a contained space with a bubble and a giant playscape inside where he could run out of eyesight safely.

Good luck!
Grinity

I am more with Kjj on this one. DD took off at 2 one time, when I couldn't get past a bunch of people, all with strollers. Another mother grabbed her before she went into a busy street.

She was bent on having her way and what she was doing. A year later, a boy in her space camp saw her at the band playing on the beach and when his mother wouldn't let him watch fireworks with her, he talked Dd (he was 4, she was 3) into running off, hand in hand, down the boardwalk while his mother and I were running after them.

The older they get, they can create very "logical" reasons for what they want to do. If you are not one step ahead of this gifted child, then God help you when puberty hits. They'll be like me, throwing parties for 400 people, so they can build social skills.

I think Grinity gave you some wonderful, concrete ideas. I try to find a balance so my kids know "Mom means business" but not so ultra-controlling that they can't be silly/fun/creative/adventurous kids. But running off without permission is just dangerous...and I'm more strict about safety issues than, say, table manners.

What I tell my clients is to teach an issue before if it is forseen or after to re-teach, discuss or even debate...but during a conflict: what mom or dad says goes. If you argue/debate with them when they're angry they will either not listen entirely or discount your valid points due to their anger. It will also teach them to get into a heated debate with you anytime they are upset as a diversion or just to tick you off.

It sounds like you had a good debrief with your DS after the incident, and you're trying to check yourself. Gifted kids are goooooood at making compelling arguments, but rules don't always have to make sense...or be agreeable. But as parents we do them a huge injustice if we raise our kids to abide only by the rules they find fitting.

 Quote:

It's really hard to have a high school level science conversation with a young child and then have them throw a fit about something they are expected to do every morning. I realize I have no idea what other kids do in the morning but it seems as though my friend’s kids who are not PG are able to get out to school on time.

Jane: If you could be a fly on the wall in most homes, you would know that you are not alone. Your idea about having the kids dress first is a good one, but even better would be to have a family meeting, share the problem with the kids, and then sit back and listen to their ideas about how to solve the problem. If they don't have some good ideas (because they may not yet be trained to be problem-solvers), you might need to interject, "How about _____." Even when they do come up with a plan, don't expect it to work forever. Their plans will work for a while before you need to have another family meeting and invite them to come up with another plan. Good practice to become good problem-solvers. :-)

End quote.
Quote is 3/4 of the way down the article.

http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10569.aspx

The article linked here is from the database on the left handed sidebar of this forum.  Hope this helps.

My D often ran away and had to be chased down at that age. She used to head down the block, with the knowledge that she was not to go around the corner (there was an alley halfway around the block, and cars came flying out of it without stopping). More than once she would head down the block with assurances that she would not go beyond the corner, then head around it full tilt. It was a full out sprint for me to catch her before she got to the alley. When she did that, she was taken straight inside with no more outside time that day. Later she was diagnosed with a non-verbal learning disability... I have heard that an inability to safely walk in parking lots & cross the street can be a symptom of that. No telling if that is why she had no concern for her own safety at three, though. Maybe it was just her being three.

Also, I recall that feeling of being caged when growing up. I remember a camping trip we took in the mountains when I was six, and how glorious it felt to hike and play in that much open space. I ditched my mom and hiked around a small lake (jumped a stream she did not want to cross, and just kept going). 45 years later it is still one of the best memories I have in my whole life -- cavorting all the way around this lake while my mom stood on the opposite shore shouting at me. Maybe take your son hiking and camping if you can.

See, I don't sweat the small stuff. I let them go nuts with ideas, directions, and crazy inventions. When they coated the bathroom, top to bottom, with conditioner when they were 4 & 5, to see if they could make a frictionless surface because we'd watched a show about maglev trains and they were fascinated by it, I didn't get mad, and they didn't get punished. Small stuff in terms of "wrongitude", but big in terms of creative thinking.

They shot out the door or disappeared under a rack of clothing in a store-major, major punishment. Copious sweating.


That's a flip response. Your world may have more shades of gray in it than mine, it doesn't make my world "false".

Look, they're 12 and 13 now, and except for still making incredible messes when they come up with ideas, they have a fairly good sense of what's right and wrong, and what's a reasonable risk. They've learned that a rational argument will get them much closer to what they want rather than temper tantrums.

They've learned that impulsive behavior is a non-starter, and to think before they act. Well, most of the time-we all knee jerk with stuff occasionally, but just having the awareness that "oops, should have thought that one through" is really valuable.

I'm trying to get them to adulthood with an ability to function in society, be able to accurately anticipate consequences, and make the best of a sometimes crappy situation. Those are good skills to learn, and I think the sooner, the better.

Those skills are just really no fun to teach, though.

What worked for me - say what you mean, only what you mean, and mean it every single solitary time. Negotiate and give freedom on choices whenever possible, but when you have made a decision that something isn't up for a vote (such as safety, harming another child, etc.), don't confuse your child by letting them think they have any choice other than to do as told. Learning to live within boundaries, respect authority, and accept directions are vital, especially for our children who have minds that allow them to rationalize just about anything they want to do.

When I told my children no, it meant no. And if they defied me, I made sure the consequences were upsetting enough that they considered that the next time. You can't have kids defying you when what you've told them is to stay by your car because you're next to a highway and trying to get the baby out of the carseat. You just can't ever let them think that defying you is worth it or even a possibility under those circumstances.

By the same token, when it doesn't matter, don't make it matter. Don't put up power struggles where none need to exist. If your kid wants to wear a Darth Vader cape for weeks, let him. Who cares? If your kids wants to try peas and peanut butter and honey, let them. If they want to make a total mess of their room with Legos right after you spent an hour cleaning it up, does it really matter? If you're not having the Queen of England over, what's the big deal?

Our children do need to feel they have autonomy and freedom to begin choosing according to their own likes and interests. But they also need to know someone is in charge and looking out for them and keeping them safe. Not providing a balance of both is terribly confusing and frustrating for just about any child.

Other than possibly slipping on the floor and getting a boo-boo, I don't see where this anecdote relates to safety.


I didn't say your world was false, I said your binary proposition was. You can be nice, goofy, etc., while still keeping your child safe.

For example, my DD was expected to hold a parent's hand when traversing a parking lot. She usually held a hand from both parents, and we'd occasionally pull her off her feet and swing her forward. Safe, and goofy.

And now she had more than one reason to voluntarily comply.


Now you seem to be buying into the false dichotomy that not being authoritarian equals tantrums. See authoritative parenting.


That's a shame, because impulsiveness can be a lot of fun. Also, if you're just telling your child, "Because I said so!", you're not giving them the tools they need to think things through.


We have the same goal, just not the same approach.


Not the way you're suggesting, it wouldn't.

I'd like to refer folks back to the Board Rules. I think that every child is different and every parent is different, so there needs to be a way to talk about what works for individual families in a way that doesn't open the door to judgment and attack of any of us. I've only parented one kid, and I can say that what I wish my parents had done for me sure wasn't what my own kid needed. It took a while to figure that out. I am sure that if I had more than one child, I would need to find different approaches for each of them. I believe that one thing we can offer our kids is to parent them in a way that is respectful of our own individual values. So it's going to look different for different combos of kid+parent. Let's worry less about defending our own viewpoints and more about painting a picture of the range of possibilities, ok?

Every gifted parent I know resonates with so many possible paths, and yet, at times we have to pick one and walk it.

Make sense?
Grinity