Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school running away three year old

My son is three and is developing a sense of will and self as most of his peer group do at this time. When he is not wanting to do as we ask (i.e. get in the car, leave a place we were having fun at, be in the house for dinner, going to bed etc.) he acts as if he will comply and then takes off in full run in the opposite direction. We have come to expect this and have figured out how to manage it physically or to avoid it all together.

However the other night during our bedtime chat hour, he tells me "I need to go out on my own sometimes" going on to clarify not with his parents or others. I explain that we need to keep him safe reminding him of running in the street, parking lots, down stairs, and getting lost. He said he can keep himself safe and wont get lost and repeats that he needs to go out on his own sometimes. I ask him why and he says because he feels like he is in a "cage with no door."

How would parents answer this question to there own gifted child young child and also address their need for freedom? I had some, but want to hear what others would say keeping in mind sensativity and being prone to nightmares.

Can you let him know that sometimes he can have the chance to do what he wants and sometimes he can't?  Can you make sure to make times that you can    go exploring with your kid following his lead. butt out while your kid explores outside?  Take a book and burry your nose in it and say, "stay on this side of the house where I can see you.". Walk with him and show him a boundary.  Then ignore him and read your book. Make it obvious you're doing your own thing, not really watching him. Just holler "get back over here"  if he goes around the house.  And take him back inside if he doesn't.  


I made this reply but hesitated to post believing maybe you were looking more for ideas on how to approach this conversation topic with a 3yr old.

OMG   We went to a thing at the park and he had an amount of freedom like all the other kids we knew there. 

 He ran away laughing when I said it was time to go.  I got close enough so he could hear and said, "if you don't get here now you're grounded".  He laughed and ran again.  He's spending the day in bed.  Now he knows what grounding is.   Poor baby.  His very first grounding.  Also if we go anywhere fun in the next few weeks he's going to have to stay real close to mamma like he's a toddler and I'm going to tell him every time it's because I need to be able to trust him to come when I call him if we're not at the house.  YMMV

You never answered so I don't know if my first post was "liked".   I really don't know if this post is even helpful.  I've told him, Now you know what grounding is.  This is the worst thing possible.  If I say, stop or you're grounded, this is what it means.

If it helps he's come up with everything there is to say on the subject on his own today. . .  from, "next time I'll listen when you tell me it's time to go", (( that's true, but you're still grounded. . .  to, "time out is better"... to, "let me up before I call you dummy".  Name calling's a hot button topic lately.  What does, "mommy I love you" have to do with "please let me watch the movie" ?

When my kids were three, I was less interested in "addressing their need for freedom" than I was in keeping them from getting hit by cars.

In my opinion, setting boundaries are what's important for toddlers, not respecting "freedom". I'm not even sure what that term means in respect to a 3 year old?

Are you afraid if you start telling him "no" and setting boundaries you're going to mess him up? If you don't do it now, life's going to do it to him later, and that's not a pretty thing to see.

The next time he says "I need to go out on my own sometimes" you can say "that's fine, when you're a grownup, you can go do whatever you want. But right now you're three, and that means you stay with me, because you're not capable yet of understanding what freedom entails, nor do you have the ability to perceive threats and possible consequences."

Or, alternatively, "But right now you're three, and that means you stay with me, because I'm the Mom."

I bought some child development college textbook, which I thought would be more useful than it was; it was much broader and described (in stereotype) groups of society's children. I forgot if I mailed it to my sister, or meant to mail it to my sister, or donated it to the library. It did say that two years old looks for security (stability leads to bravery and independence) and four years old studies on boundaries and independance. Meanwhile even though asynchronous gifted kids are observant and insightful and conversational there is something called the Prelogical stage (Piaget version, not the classical liberal arts definition of "Prelogical"). http://media.lanecc.edu/users/kime/Psy201lifespanB.pdf

Crud. I hit submit.

Quote:

Egocentrism: The tendency for preoperational children to have difficulty in viewing the world from someone else’s perspective or point of view. Psychologists are NOT using egocentrism to mean selfishness or conceit as social psychologists use the word.

End Quote.

That goes up to around age 7. Even though gifted kids have bursts of insight and make connections it's still just better if you don't EXPECT them to "see what you're saying", even though they do more often than not.


EtA: not that you quit talking to them about it. "if they only understand a tenth of what you're telling them then you only have to tell them ten times for them to get it. Or a hundred. Or a thousand. Or whatever." -dad

There's a book that says how they get the whales at sea world to jump is they set the bar so low. At first they put the rope literrally on the ground and give the whale a treat every time it swims over it, then they gradually lift the rope.

I'm not a fan of either approach. The first one is belittling, and the second one is an invitation to rebellion.

In my DD's case we already had this problem solved before she was three. We'd catch DD doing some unsafe behavior, and we'd ask her to stop. She'd ask why, and we'd tell her what was going to happen. She'd refuse, and as long as the consequences weren't going to be more significant than a boo-boo, we'd stand by and let events unfold as predicted. Then, after a quick injury check, we'd say, "See. Told ya."

This led DD to wonder how in the world we knew what was going to happen. Clearly, we knew things that she didn't, and listening to us was a good way to avoid getting hurt.

So, when she was three and ran away from us in a parking lot for the very first time, DW yelled, "STOP!", and DD froze in her tracks.

She demanded to know why, of course.

I understand what you're saying, but I was speaking to the unsafe behaviors that would result in more than a "boo boo".

What you would call belittling (i.e. contemptibly small or unimportant), I would call explaining to the kid why he is not going to get what he wants. In other words, a reasonable "no".

And kids rebel normally-it's how they find boundaries. While I don't typically do the "because I'm the Mom, that's why" thing, sometimes it's instructive for them to learn that life does unreasonable, unfair things to you occasionally, and there's just no arguing with it. Suck it up, and move on, kid.

Look, there are times to be nice, soft, goofy, loving, sweet and permissive. Keeping your kid safe is not one of those times, in my opinion.

As am I. The point is that you establish your credentials with the small stuff, and then they'll listen to you when it really matters.


We'll just have to agree to disagree on the definition of "reasonable," then.


False dichotomy.

Hi, KW3

When my DD (extremely independent type) went through that when she was that age, I told my senior neighbor (age 88 or so at that time) because I was exasperated and nervous, and she suggested a plan that DD "run away" to her house (they were super cuddly friends).

When DD left the back door with her backpack on, I called the neighbor, she positioned herself to see (our yards were visible to each other) and I watched DD out the window, then snuck out to the patio until the neighbor, casually hanging laundry and "unaware" connected with DD.

Our neighbor listened with "oh, you poor dear" about DD's woes that I did not allow her any freedoms, DD got a glass of milk and a couple of cookies, was told that mothers have to do such things but isn't it just awful anyway?, and after about 1 hour, the phone rang that DD was coming back.

Once DD did this, it was out of her system and we never heard about it again. Got to be casual about it though.

Not everyone has a situation or a dear neigbor friend from a totally different generation, but maybe you could think about it and tweak it.