Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Advice for talking with parents of non-GT children

Hello,

I am new to the forum and need a little advice. We have a DS5 who is exceptionally gifted, currently in kindergarten at a parish school, but we are placing him in a school for GT children next year. We recognized his abilities early and struggled with this decision over the past two years, learning a ton about all of our options and having him tested in all sorts of areas. We have concluded that he needs this school, so we finally made the decision and informed his principal and teacher. They completely understood because they have seen him "in action" and have already run out of ways to accommodate him.

The issue I have is discussing this with our friends, especially those who have children around the same age. We figured that there was nothing to gain by sharing details of his achievements with them, or our struggles to make a decision regarding schooling. So... While many saw him reading at age 2, and know that we worry that he would rather read all day than play or be social, they don't know the full extent. (that issue has improved btw)

The problem is that we have to tell them that we are moving our son to this school. These are either close friends who we have playdates with often, or they are the other parents of children at his current school (which is very small) who will be asking where he went. How do I explain that we are moving our child to a program for GT children without them becoming jealous, annoyed, thinking I'm bragging, thinking we are trying to push our child into becoming Einstein, or just generally thinking we are odd and not wanting our families to hang out as much? I'm just afraid of all the stereotypes and the jealousy.

Of note... We really can't keep this info from them... We live in an area where one's school is, for whatever reason, a huge deal and a defining characteristic. If they find out we are putting our child in a school that is in a completely different school district (that is not nearly as good as our current one) and that we are putting our younger DS in the parish school for preschool yet pulling DS5 out, they will have many questions. How do I tell the parents of his current classmates who I'm afraid will believe that we think we are better than them or something for leaving... Yet I will have to encounter these parents because DS3 will be there next year (and I really do like these people and want to remain friends).

Any ideas? Sorry this is so long and incoherent...I'm exhausted.. It's nearly 2am here and the kids will be up at 6:30! I appreciate you reading this! I've been avoiding hanging out with friends so I can avoid the topic so any ideas would be greatly appreciated!

If they have seen your son read then they probably have some idea. Dont brag but if they ask just tell them for ds5 its the best option. If they are true friends they should understand. I hope it goes well. If you dont bring it up unless asked it shouldnt seem like bragging.

"We decided that {school}'s programs were a better fit for DS5 at this point. Did you bring this bean dip? It's really good!"

If they are asking "Where he went", just say that you moved him to X school. I am sure it has a better name than "The Gifted School". If they push say that the "Parish School was not a good fit for him. We hope they were right! What are you making for dinner?"

I agree with ElizabethN and Mamabear.

The point, imo, is to make it matter of fact and then move on. That cannot be construed as bragging. If they are going to stop being friends with you because of this, then you are better off without them!

Congrats on finding a good school for your DS!

One unavoidable fact is that certain parents are overly invested in their children, believing that their child somehow "winning" whatever it is they're supposed to be doing at the moment means they're better people. When you tell these parents where your child is attending school, they'll be mad. That's their problem, not yours.

The nice thing is, things like this help you identify the members of the crowd who are deeply awful people, because until triggered, some are pretty good at hiding it.

But yeah, definitely do NOT go on and on about it, or volunteer the information unasked, unless you're interested in revealing that the awful person in the room is you.

I agree with others about keeping it short, to the point and honest. With those who are good friends, I would let them know that you are changing schools at the end of this school year so they aren't surprised or upset at the beginning of next year when your kid isn't in their class. I think the fact that your younger child will still be at the school will give you credibility when you say that you love the school but your older kid needed something different.

We'll be enrolling my 3-year-old in a private gifted school next year for pre-K. He's currently in a Montessori. When asked, I tend to use language like "a better fit." If asked how it's a better fit, I point out non-gifted things that are positive about the school - like small classroom sizes and great teacher/student ratios. Many people in our area know this private school as a gifted-only school, but some do not. If someone googled it, they'd find out fast enough if they really cared. But, I definitely avoid talking about it as a gifted school (even though that is exactly what is, and honestly the reason we are sending our son there).

If a parent were struggling to find a good fit for their own gifted kids, and the giftedness of their child was the primary reason other schools weren't working... Then I'd tell them all about it and not censor myself (as much).

I know it's so hard. I really never discuss milestones or much of what my kid are up to with anyone other than my own mother. In reality, though, anyone that meets the kids knows within moments of meeting them just how different they are. But that doesn't mean they want to hear ME acknowledge that.

You're right to be sensitive that others will react to this news with their own biases. For some reason, I think if you ever say your child is gifted, what people hear is you calling their child dumb, or at the very least, "less than."

I agree with the first couple of posters who suggested you should say it's a better fit for your son. Or you could also add something like, "after talking it over with the principal and his teachers, we felt like he might do better at a different school." If they ask why, "Oh, lots of reasons. Is that bean dip?"

We never discuss my son's placement in a school for highly gifted with people outside our family, except to say that he really enjoys it and we love his teachers.

Thank you all so very much for taking the time to reply! This is very helpful. I have been avoiding bringing it up until asked, and will continue to do so.. But with the end of the school year coming up, and some dinners out with friends coming up, I know it will get asked sooner or later. I love your replies with a quick response and a change of subject! I agree that if this makes them want to stop being friends, then there's nothing I can do about it, and they weren't good friends anyway. That's just sad though..

Up until now I have avoided the awkwardness of answering questions about his abilities by minimizing them. But, I just read through the thread regarding what our parents did wrong/right, and I've realized that if he overhears me minimizing his achievements, then I will contribute to his low self-esteem... And he might hold that with him through adulthood Iike some of the posters.

So for now I will avoid it until asked, then answer honestly and briefly, then quickly change the subject! Thank you all so much for your support. It is hard when, because of these issues, we have no one to talk to and have been keeping this "secret" for so long. I'm glad I found this forum!

Chelle

Chelle -
I think it sounds like you are handling things well. This board is SUCH a godsend. It's a sanity-saver. I hope to see you posting here often!

Chelle - you've already gotten a lot of great advice, so I'll just add one thing. Try not to worry about people's potential reactions until they actually happen (and *if* they actually happen). Remember that most of us parents really care about our own children, but other people's children aren't so much the center of our universe Our friends will be happy and cheer our kids on, and other people, casual acquaintances or whoever... most likely won't really care all that much. I think sometimes we (as parents of gifted kids) will think other parents will be jealous etc of our kid's opportunities or accomplishments, but I think in reality it happens far less frequently than we'd think it would

Best wishes,

polarbear

I would add that it might be helpful to stress that it was a decision made with the staff at the current school. So, something like, "After several discussions with the [current]school, we've all decided that we need to give another school a try, so we've decided to try [new] school. Hopefully it will go well!"

You have gotten good advice, but I do want to be honest with you and tell you that we got some negative reactions when we switched our DD to a gifted magnet (which did in fact have the word "gifted" in its name). I handled it just as was suggested here and still, it didn't go over well. I'm still friends with all of these people (these are close friends) and the feelings seem to have "blown over" for the most part, but it will be a while before I entirely forget some of the comments that were made. I don't think the comments were made out of jealousy, btw.

Again, I really appreciate all the advice, thank you all! I'm just curious, so I can anticipate potential reactions, what were some of the reactions you experienced, ultramarina? Thank you!

Chelle, here's a thread I started at the time:

http://giftedissues.davidsongifted....05682/Responding_to_anti_GT_remarks.html

Here is the unfortunate thing, btw: a year at my DD's school has made it clear that in fact, the gifted magnet DOES provide a level of enrichment and "perks" not made available to other children. Yes, the work is harder and the pace is faster--but they also seem to go on more field trips and have more interesting hands-on activities and guest speakers. The kids like this, of course, and as a parent, I like it (how could I not?)--but I see how it could breed exactly the kind of resentment and contempt that my friends appear to feel. It's a very nice program, but I wonder if they are shooting themselves in the foot. Of course, part of the reason they can support this is that they have a highly involved parent base.

I am late to the thread, but I thought I'd mention one thing I didn't see already mentioned. I've had children at several schools and don't currently have children in our local public school; I've also watched families leave schools. I think it is very helpful to people to know you are leaving for a better fit, yes, but also that you are not leaving because you are dissatisfied with the school in general. People want to feel like they've made a good choice, it's unsettling to watch families that you respect pull their child out of what you think is a good choice school. I have been careful to talk about how great the schools that we've left have been in x,y, and z, and how we will miss p,d and q... You will get a better response if you let them know there is no "hidden" deficiency in the school you are leaving (if that makes sense)

I totally agree with this, and I was very careful to do this. Interestingly, I got far fewer negative reactions from the parents of kids at my DD's school (who may have had a better idea of the school and how DD functioned in it) than from parents whose kids do not go there. It may be that I handled it more carefully with the former group and was less on my guard with the latter--I don't know.