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Any tips on calming an active preschool mind at bedtime? My little guy has trouble getting to sleep and falling back to sleep after a vivid dream.

I don't know your particular circumstances, so I'm not sure if this will work for you, but I finally gave up on trying to calm my kiddos and make them keep "regularly accepted" hours. I was a stay at home mom, though, so if they were tired, they just fell asleep early for morning nap.

What I did was set up some ground rules:

You must go to bed when you're told. This is not up for negotiation.

You must get completely ready for bed, crawl under the covers, get goodnight kisses and have a book read to you while you are laying in bed. (They especially liked that this was a rule, because they could make sure it was "enforced" on nights I wanted to skip the story.)

If you cannot sleep, you may play quietly with a toy in your bed, look at a book in your bed, or sing quietly (my kids did not share a room).

You may only come out of your room once to go to the bathroom. If you come out after that without being sick or unless there is an emergency (they often got quite creative about what constituted an emergency), you will lose a privilege tomorrow - and I get to pick what you lose.

Believe it or not, it worked for me. To me, there is nothing worse than the torture of laying in a dark room, mind racing, and not being able to do something to calm it all down. So by giving them boundaries that let them find ways to work through their creativity when they couldn't sleep but didn't stimulate - like getting up and playing - they learned to calm themselves. Some nights I would hear one of them singing at 11 pm, but eventually it would stop and they would sleep. Those are now very precious memories.

If you're on a schedule that requires the kiddos be on a schedule as well, then this tactic might still work - you just have to start the bedtime ritual soon enough that all the playing, getting out of bed to go to the bathroom, singing, etc. ends early enough that they get the sleep they need. Just be firm, don't waver on your boundaries, be consistent but not angry, and negotiate if something seems to be a real problem. If they feel like they've gained a tiny bit of control over their situation, it's amazing how much more willing they are to live within the negotiated boundaries.

These are two separate questions:

1) How to get a kid to go to sleep?

and

2) How to calm a kid down after a vivid dream/nightmare?

The short answer to the first question is: routine.

The most common reason why my kiddo can't get to sleep at bedtime is because she's not tired. Maybe she stayed up too late the night before and slept too late in the morning. Maybe she took a nap earlier that went too long. Maybe she's just full of pent-up physical energy because she's been cooped up all day. Or maybe she's full of nervous/excitement energy because of something happening tomorrow.

Setting and sticking to a daily routine (bed/nap/meal/play times) eliminates the first three sources of a sleep problem. Turning bedtime into a daily routine, where it's a predictable process that happens every night, can make giant strides in eliminating the last one.

Lest you be misled into thinking this is coming from the perspective of one of those people who writes out every minute of his day into a Franklin planner a week ahead of time, I'm not saying that this has to be a rigid schedule, because life is unpredictable and kids especially so. Some general guidelines will do... DS should wake up at about x:00, and take a nap around y:00 for roughly zz minutes, etc. Then just observe and adjust as necessary.

One short answer for the second question is: talk.

A vivid dream will especially affect a gifted child, because of emotional sensitivity. Your DS will be unable to get to sleep because he's in an emotional state that prevents it. Therefore, the goal is to bring him out of that emotional state and into a calm one. One effective method is to simply talk about the dream. Point out what's silly in it. Discuss some similar dreams you might have had. Under all the conversation, there are some distinct messages you want to convey:

- It's just a dream, it's not real, and it can't hurt you.
- This is all very normal, everyone experiences this.

Sometimes this helps the kid gain perspective and look at the dream a different way... but sometimes it doesn't, because as your gifted child remembers an experience, he physiologically relives the emotions. So my second short answer to this question is: redirect. Read him another story, or allow him to read one on his own if he's doing that already. Let him snuggle up with you for a while and watch some TV. Whatever gets his mind off the dream and lets him calm down.

And then, the next day... beware. Because now you've taught him that a nightmare leads to specific comforting actions, and you can be sure he'll try to fake it sometime later in the future in order to obtain those rewards. Parenting these kids is so much fun, innit?

Calming at bedtime before going to sleep? I remember when DD12 was small and couldn't/wouldn't sleep... Sometimes she'd refuse to even 'though we could see she was exhausted. Maybe this is the case with your child?

Usually, in my experience with DD12, reading helped. Especially adventure picture books, with long words: kind of lulled her. Singing is good, too - not just baby songs. Ballads: she used to love Fairport Convention songs and sometimes her dad would play a music tape.

This is more an answer to question 2: Cryallnight maybe has bad dreams... much of the time, I don't know as she's not very verbal. The name is in fact ironic, although it's true that when she cries she won't stop. Walking up and down with her in my arms talking to her about my day helps her - and me... Not sure how old your tot is, so maybe this isn't an option, but I'd say reading and singing are always good...

Love it ABQmom!

Short add that we had to discontinue preBed reading sooner than I would have liked because it got DS too stimulated. Wierdly, 'stupid tv' worked better to calm that brain.

Also - I found out the hard way that there IS such a thing as overtired. Our DS woke up at the same time no matter when he went to sleep, and getting him calm enough to fall asleep was much much easier at an earlier time slot than after he had 'caught his second wind.'

When he was older, Melatonin worked wonders.

Some gifted kids 'need' less sleep. Some gifted kids need the regular amount of sleep, but just can't calm down that brain to get there. Routines, rules, limits as outlined above are wonderful and will work with many gifted kids. But it takes a confident, consistient, determined parent - which I so wasn't at the time. My kid taught me!

Smiles,
Grinity

KJP...I could have written your post!

DS 4 has a very difficult time falling asleep. Like ABQMom, we've started allowing reading at bedtime. I've found with DS, adding privileges works much better than taking away things as a consequence. So, we added a dimmer switch to his lamp that he can control...on the condition that he stays in bed except for trips to the bathroom. It's worked so far, although it's a combination of reading/singing. I've also found that he needs a consistent wake up time. Even letting him sleep in an extra 30 minutes will make for a more difficult sleep time.

We also use the "Indigo Dreams" relaxation CD. I'm not sure how much it "relaxes" him at bedtime, but he is used to the routine, and when we traveled over the winter holidays, it helped him calm down in the unfamiliar hotel room.

As for the vivid dreams, I crawled into bed with him at 6:00 this morning to calm him down. (When he was still in his crib, we'd pat his back and try to say soothing things until he fell back asleep.)

As a child I coped with vivid nightmares by crawling into my parents bed. Worked like a charm (parents are invincible entities that can protect you from anything, up to and including the heat death of the universe).

As a teen (when the above mentioned parental bed stopped being an option) I taught myself to redirect dreams to better endings. Doesn't work 100%, but I can usually get back to sleep within a reasonable time frame. I have tried to explain to DS5 (nightmares, afraid of the dark) how to do it -- not sure it is really working for him at this age.

For advice about calming a child after having vivid dreams (from someone who always had them as a child, and it was definitely not an option to get in bed with parents or have mom come into bed), I would say drinking water absolutely helps (if you haven't tried that) and rubbing their back is a really good idea. And just firm reassurance that it was not real and they are safe in their beds. A flashlight, nightlight or one of those things that puts the stars on the ceilings is a good distraction after you've left them. Sitting up for a few minutes in bed helps get that distance between the memory of the dream and being back to reality. But if you don't want it to turn into some manipulative thing, being constructive (water, assurance) but firm and leaving them to it is probably best.

When I was older my sister simply hurled a pillow at my head and that got me back to reality pretty fast. Of course a sister can get away with that...

I did this successfully when I was five, with the coaching of older brothers. I've tried coaching my DD7 to do this since she was five, and she has yet to pull it off.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone.

As for falling asleep:

I think part of the problem is that he is at an age where sometimes he needs a nap and sometimes he doesn't. If he takes one, he stays up forever and if he doesn't he often gets overtired.
I like the music idea. I might get something for his room.
Books used to relax him. Now they seem to give him too much to think about. He is into creating his own "fanfiction". He makes up stories about characters from different books and shows working together or against each other in new situations. I think I will try to get a set routine, start it at the same time every night and see how it goes
On waking up:
His boogeymen include the "Black Man" who he describes as a "thick shadow" that can move all over the room and the "Scary Cats" who are black with "gray rainbow eyes that swirl like oil on a sidewalk".
He also has really horrible dreams about every being dead but him. Obviously when he has a dream like this he needs to check on everyone in the family to see if we are alive. He has the hardest time after dreams like this. In general he is very concerned about the people he loves growing old and leaving him and I think these dreams are an extension of that. When he was three our 17 year old dog died and ever since then getting older has bothered him. He has always been welcomed to get in bed with us if he is scared. Threats about staying in his room have not resulted in more rest for him. We just find him sprawled out asleep in the morning with all the lights on in his room holding a toy sword. We have tried rewards and it works for a while but lately he has said he doesn't want to work on staying in bed.

He doesn't have a night light but sleeps with his door open and the bathroom light on so he isn't in complete darkness.