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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,007
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FWIW I found it very difficult to have little kids. They try my patience. I am doing much better, feeling more balanced and in control, with bigger kids. Any choice you make should come in the context of "this is all going to gradually change over time." I think this is a major issue for Island. Small children are extremely difficult.
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Joined: Jul 2011
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Oh, and Island, I think that you can probably rule out "Law School" as a solution to your problem.
Just in case you were thinking about hurling yourself at a random law school.
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Joined: May 2010
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From this and your other posts, I'm wondering whether you are feeling kind of depressed. If you are, maybe seeing a cognitive-behavior therapist would help you get over past stuff and enjoy what's happening now? I, too, have wondered this. I was YOU nine years ago! It wasn't until DD was 2 years old that I realized that I had had PPD and how it affected our family. I was plagued by feelings of inadequacy and failure.... and I HAVE a wonderful, fulfilling career. I blamed how I felt on everything from my poor DH to the size of our house. There had to be a reason why I felt at loose ends with the world. Not to assume that this would be a reason or cause in your situation, but sometimes you need someone from the outside looking it to point out what is oblivious to you. I wish so badly that I could redo my DD's babyhood, I would never want anyone to suffer like I did.
Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it. — L.M. Montgomery
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Joined: Jul 2011
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I gave up a lucrative career to stay home, and while I have been gone, many of my friends have started companies, filed patents, and found success in a wide variety of ways. As a patent attorney, there are few things that impress me less than patents. Patents are profitable for patent attorneys, often not so profitable for individuals and small companies. I try to talk people out of them whenever possible these days. Not to worry. Patent reform is on the way! Anyway, back to Island's regularly scheduled Quarterlife crisis.
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Joined: Jul 2011
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These are such amazing responses, so I want to respond to all of them! I think you've asked a good question (and a hard question, in so many ways). Life is a struggle for everyone, and it's so hard to see what the consequences of your decisions will be at the time you make them. It's easy to criticize your choices or feel bad about them after you've made them, but you might have felt the same way if you'd decided to do something else. Re-evaluating your decisions is a sign of a thinking person. Please don't judge yourself too harshly. Just remember one thing: if you want to change the direction of your life, you can. It's just that changing will be hard (but this means that it will be like everything else in life that's worth striving for). My mom started a business in her 40s. It ended up supporting the family for 25 years. I struggle with what I do and am very concerned that I made some very bad choices, yet don't know how I could have done things differently. So I just keep plodding. A few years ago when I didn't get a grant I wanted very badly, I put a sticky post-it on my wall that says "DON'T GIVE UP!" It's still there and I look at it all the time. A couple of years ago, my little girl wrote another sticky post-it that says, "Don'T give UP MoMMY!" and another one that says, "I love you forever." Am I being maudlin? Maybe, but I don't care. I look at them both all the time, too. They help a lot. You're right that having kids means you have to give up a lot, but so do many other choices. But you also get a lot. Remember that. It's perfectly reasonable to want more out of your own life than what you have right now. It's okay to re-evaluate a decision and make a change (it's often a good thing!).  Val (who keeps on plodding) Thanks, Val. And I agree with this: "It's just that changing will be hard (but this means that it will be like everything else in life that's worth striving for)."I've got positive quotes all over the place to try to cheer me on. I have a vision board I made before I got pregnant (filled with stuff having to do with libraries (the library is the center haha), science, travel, history, writing, fantasy, healthy eating, and family. Everything I love and want for my life.) I have an inspiring quote on the desktop of my computer that I wrote. I messed around the past few years, but finally got serious about my business this May. My sites are starting to make some income, traffic is growing, and I am earning the money "while I sleep". It is not an amazing career and doesn't have any sort of status attached to it (in fact, the opposite), but I'll feel good if I can contribute income while our kid(s) are small. I would cry over something like that, in a heartbeat. Heck, I nearly cried just now reading about it.
I used to feel like I was not fulfilling my potential all the time. I still do, at times. I find that I have to remember that "my potential" is more than my intellectual ability. It is a combination of many factors, and changes over time (sometimes, it seems, from moment to moment). My time, my material and social resources, my community, my energy, my health, my executive functioning, and my personality all contribute to the equation of what I can reasonably expect myself to accomplish.
It took me a long time to realize this.
Be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do more than be a full-time SAHM. At some point, probably relatively soon, the nature of the demands will change, and you will have a little more time to do the things that engage your mind and make your heart sing, even if you aren't making scientific breakthroughs before breakfast. There are trade-offs that come with every decision, and one of the trade-offs in being a care-giving parent of a high-intensity child often is is a having a few really grueling months or years where nothing much else gets accomplished.
You are 27. By the time you are the age I was when my first child was born, yours will be almost school-aged. So I count you as ahead of the game, from my perspective. Serious illness took a huge chunk out of my productive years, and left me with a career path that resembles a meadering cow track strewn with tangled barbed wire far more than it resembles the smooth, glorious, meteoritic arc that I envisioned in my youth. But it has been a grand adventure, and, looking back, I am incredibly grateful for (almost) all of the experiences I have had along the way. Cow paths, after all, have a lot more latitude for exploration, discovery, and enjoyment than expressways or ballistic trajectories do. It was hard to have that perspective at the time, though.
Hang in there.
(hugs) I have to say that I ran over to the stairs and shouted over the banister down to DH - "Someone else said they'd cry, too! I'm not the only one!" DH really didn't know how to handle me last night except to give me a hug and tell me I'm not a failure. You sound like you've come to terms with the way things are. I gave up my lifelong dream of becoming a singer. I feel like I came so close to it and walked away. I still can't sing or listen to music very often. I absolutely can not go to a concert, because I will cry. But I was so unhappy with the music industry. If I had ditched the singing idea earlier, I would have gone to college instead. I took the SAT test on a whim. One of the my sister's friends was bragging about his high score and getting scholarships to college. I had a higher score! I didn't even apply to college. I think one of my big problems is not knowing what to concentrate on. I've settled for my business right now, but I feel like I'm settling with being mediocre and not reaching high enough. I'm not prepared to put in the time necessary to do anything amazing (get a PhD, do a software start-up with DH, etc.) I felt like tearing every Physics book I have off the shelf last night and devouring them, but I can't imagine ever dedicating the time and effort needed to get a PhD in that. Any career I choose to go after now will take away my time from my family. No one dies wishing they spent more time working, right? I think that is a hard place to be. Just by circumstances, I did not have a child early, so I had a career. Having a child later, I can say "been there, done that" for a lot of career stuff. But it doesn't mean I don't miss my brain. When DD was 1.5 years I was offered a 2 month gig. I flew to Brussels for 3 days. It took me 2 days to figure out what anyone was saying. I was shocked at how out of shape my brain had become.
I had to come to terms that I wanted my child more than anything and I was smart enough to pick up the pieces when I needed to. In the spring, I was thinking about working again. But then I thought I had to travel. I sat back and figured out what I could do as a SAHM. I looked at the options and figured out a path. Not one I would have done otherwise when I thought just a job. Your friend may have developed something, but you are still just 27.
You did close some doors having a child now. But there are many paths ahead. You are smart enough to figure it out, after you get through the early years. There isn't enough sleep, at least not for me, in the first 3 years. You are not finished until you are dead. That is my slogan. As long as I am not dead, I can try again.
Ren I like that. It is tough. I had my child late so I had career success first, but becoming a mother meant reprioritising and I see friends in different circumstances achieving more than I do now. Mostly I don't mind - I've made my choices with eyes wide open - but occasionally it does get to me. (What gets to me more often, but this is a different topic, is seeing DH have more energy to put into work achievements than I do because most of the parenting etc. falls to me. I'm the one spending time on this website, for example; he just comes to the meetings. It's my choice to be here and I get a lot out of it, but it's time he's spending thinking about his work...) I think you're at a really tough stage, particularly given that you're younger and haven't had so much time to do the BTDT stuff pre-baby. It will get better. Hmm. Thinking a bit more, are there two different things going on here for you, wanting to achieve and be recognised, and wanting to get enjoyable intellectual stimulation? Which is more at issue, would you say? Is part of the problem the difficulty in getting both from one activity? The first is tough when you don't have much time, although I know you have a fledgling business and maybe it'll make your millions in due course, good luck! Would it maybe help to add some purely-because-you-want-to learning into each day, even if only for a few minutes? E.g. maybe pick a Great Courses course you like the look of and watch an episode while your DD feeds, if that's easier to fit into your life than reading? FWIW, now that DS is older, I feel much more that it's intellectually "different" rather than "less" than what I'd be doing otherwise, because he's learning all the time and often it's things I don't know myself and I get to learn things too. Yes. They are both an issue for me. I do get some small amount of intellectual stimulation when I do research and write for my sites. I don't get to talk to anyone about things, though. I'm mostly writing practical stuff for readers who just want solutions to their problems. There is certainly no prestige in what I'm doing. In fact, almost everyone I know acts embarrassed if I tell them what I'm doing. They don't understand how I make money writing content for my websites. The good thing about having your career first, is that people will still take you seriously. I don't have a lot of friends with graduate degrees and no one assumes I'd want to talk about anything they might be working on. I'm just a SAHM with NO degree. Plus, maybe I really can't keep up with them. When I was reading that crappy Hothouse Kids book, she was talking about gifted students at a gifted charter school. She mentioned how they interacted with each other. They told nerdy jokes (probably puns) and talked freely about academic subjects. No one bullied them about it or looked at them like they were crazy. That is kind of how I feel on this forum. Reading that made me think I might seek a gifted program for DD if she ends up being gifted (and if I could find one around here.) I'm a bit lonely, but I know we've talked about this on here before. I think the consensus was to take up hobbies to meet people who at least share some interests.
Last edited by islandofapples; 09/10/11 09:26 AM.
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Joined: Oct 2010
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Hi Island,
Again I can relate to much of what you have said. I had my daughter at about the same age and was very much in the same situation you're in now. Ultimately, 5 years later, I now have it figured out most of the time - though I have my days, as I am sure most of us do, when I wonder if I am making the right choices.
But I couldn't have got to that point without some counselling. Like kathleen'smum I had undiagnosed PPD for the first two years of dd's life and it was really only after I started counselling for that that I could get my thoughts in any kind of order - And it took me about another 12 months from there. Until that point my head was just a swirl of lost chances, possibilities, impossibilities, resentment, feeling dependent, feeling bored etc. My mind couldn't settle on one thing long enough to make a decision and things wouldn't happen fast enough to make it worth my while (in my mind at least). I wish I'd gone to see someone earlier.
Now, you may well not have PPD (though you'd be very normal if you did, particularly based on the history you have shared here) - but even if you don't, seeing someone might help to work out what your goals are - give you some tools to help you reach them. I found cognitive behavioural therapy extremely useful because it made so much sense and I still use it all the time to check myself and whether or not I am being rational. It has been wonderful - completely life changing if I'm honest.
The other thing I wanted to mention was that I too didn't want to have to invest the time in something. Personally, I wanted success in something immediately and it had to be something meaningful and stimulating and valuable to society. None of which was realistic without time. Your friend won't have just come up with his idea over the weekend - I imagine the scaffold for such an idea would have been developed over years of study and accumulated knowledge. A couple of years ago I finally accepted that to do something I find really fulfilling, it is going to take me years - but because of my relatively young age the nearly 8 years of study I have to do will see me complete it by the time I'm 38. By then my daughter will be in high school and I will be better positioned to work at a career again (I had a successful career before but it was utterly meaningless to me). In the mean time I'm studying something I am passionate about and I'm able to focus on getting dd's needs met (well... I'm hoping we'll get there at some point!). I realize spending years out of the work force isn't realistic for everyone and while it has come at a considerable financial cost to us, I feel very lucky.
I guess I'd point out too that you have had a pretty tough time in those 27 years based on the things you have described and for much of it I imagine you've really just had to focus on surviving. That is a pretty big achievement in itself - it doesn't leave a lot of room for more standard achievements. The resilience you will have built up will stand you in good sted in helping you achieve whatever you want to now that you're in a more supportive situation. So it is by no means wasted time.
If you're not keen on going to see someone but think some 'thinking about your thinking' might help, there are some good books that discuss the basic techniques - the one my psych recommended was 'Change Your Thinking' by Sarah Edelman.
Take care,
Giftodd
"If children have interest, then education will follow" - Arthur C Clarke
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Joined: Jul 2011
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You sound like you've come to terms with the way things are. I gave up my lifelong dream of becoming a singer. I feel like I came so close to it and walked away. I still can't sing or listen to music very often. I absolutely can not go to a concert, because I will cry.
But I was so unhappy with the music industry. If I had ditched the singing idea earlier, I would have gone to college instead. This sounds like me and my lifelong dream of becoming a lawyer! To draft world-changing legal briefs and argue the great civilization-changing arguments before the highest court in the land! I was going to bask in the sheer glory and majesty of the law! Actually, that's not true at all. I didn't have any desire to actually practice law when I went to law school. Or any interest in law. In fact, it wasn't clear to me what lawyers even did day-to-day. Then when I got out and started practicing, I realized that, yep, I still had no interest in it. However, it was a way to stay in school another three years and avoid ever having to work in a chemical plant as a chemical engineer. And, never having had a real job in my life, it was important to me to avoid the world of work for as long as humanly possible. And those chemicals are toxic! And they explode fairly often. People ask me why I went to law school when I majored in engineering. I explain that I didn't need to be exposed to toxic chemicals. It wasn't until my Junior year that I figured out what engineers actually did. I wasn't exactly thrilled with my discovery. There's a life lesson in my story somewhere.
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Joined: May 2010
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There's a life lesson in my story somewhere. Ah, Jon, you totally crack me up! Good on you for finding the humour in your situation.
Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it. — L.M. Montgomery
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Joined: Apr 2011
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I'm the one spending time on this website, for example; he just comes to the meetings. It's my choice to be here and I get a lot out of it, but it's time he's spending thinking about his work... I can SO relate to this. Someone mentioned the first few years being harder, personally my eldest has only gotten harder and harder to parent. She wakes me up less at night but those practicalities aside she's not easier. Sorry I don't have anything more insightful than that to add...
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