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Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 21
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Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 21 |
De-lurking to say I'm sorry for your loss, GeoMomma. Because it really is a loss, isn't it? I came on here to read this morning because I'm also in a bad situation, socially. I am surrounded by the pettiness of other mothers in my Group Which Shall Not Be Named. As I spend time with this group, I see much jealousy and judgement towards kids and their parents-- not just about intelligence or ability, but about every little thing: behavior, religion, friends, even age of puberty onset. The group seems broken down into cliques, with different cliques sitting at different tables at meetings. If I sit with one clique, I have to listen to them gossip about the other. Then I feel too worried about trying to sit with the other clique, because I assume they must hate me for sitting with the first clique!! Ack! It is exactly like jr. high, and it is draining. I am mostly an observer and operate pretty much on the periphery of things. When I watch these moms, the behavior seems all too similar to watching packs of wild animals vying for rank. Just replace sharp teeth with sharp words. You are not alone! 
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
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Joined: Mar 2010
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Thanks everyone, I am feeling okay about it most of the time and I got excited last night doing some planning for the business. (Yes, using a slightly different basis ) Annette, I did do those things - I can really see in this case it wouldn't have made any difference, it wasn't anything to do with me. I think there are some people who, for reasons of their own, just have to be horrible to you. Whatever personal 'hot buttons' they have, they just lash out instead of dealing with it. The level of hatred she has had to maintain to do this for more than a year despite me not responding in anyway unless I have had to, is staggering to me.
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 735
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it wasn't anything to do with me. I think there are some people who, for reasons of their own, just have to be horrible to you. Whatever personal 'hot buttons' they have, they just lash out instead of dealing with it. The level of hatred she has had to maintain to do this for more than a year despite me not responding in anyway unless I have had to, is staggering to me. GM, I'm so sorry it came to this, but not surprised. I have a colleague where i have wondered the exact same thing - how do you maintain it - how are you always the victim while harming others - how do you constantly lie even when caught. it is bewildering, frustrating and very draining. I found that being around the person and their drama just sucked the positive out of me and replaced it with their crap. And I totally agree, even people who think we exaggerate, or are bragging, are not necessarily malicious. To undermine and actively work against someone doesnt have anything to do with the kids, its the adult! Can you find a new group? Maybe there are others also on the outside - not sure how small your area is ()hugs)) DeHe
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Joined: May 2011
Posts: 741
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You've described exactly why I like working with things more than people!
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 487
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Thank you! I did remember reading this so I googled it last night: Being a divergent thinker irritates and upsets other people who often feel the divergent one should sit down and shut up, and wonder why he or she can't just be like everyone else. It does not occur to most people that the divergent thinker can't stop being divergent. One cannot blend into a crowd if the crowd is so different from oneself that it is not camouflage. It's like trying to hide an elephant in a flock of chickens by telling the elephant to squat down and cluck a lot... It kind of helped a bit. (From here:http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/creatively_gifted.htm)
Last edited by GeoMamma; 08/27/11 06:31 PM.
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 332
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This makes me kinda sad. I'm a happy introvert, so I don't do a lot of socializing. I saw some cattiness going on when I was a military wife in those groups, so I simple stayed home and talked to a few wives I liked.
Everyone says that school "teaches kids about the real world."
I've thought before that that wasn't true, because the real world doesn't operate like junior high. Apparently, it does... unless you act like a hermit like I do and hang out with yourself most of the time.
How the heck can I prepare my kids to deal with these people when I make it a point not to deal with them? If I start hanging out with someone and I get a bad vibe or they are negative or whatever, I simply stop seeing them. I don't even work with anyone, so I get to avoid office politics, too.
I will likely force myself to get along so my daughter has friends and play dates now, though. (Although, so far I love all the people I've met in our local group, so maybe it will all be fine. I did get a look or two when I showed up to a meeting with my sitting up by herself 4 month old, though.)
I'm really unsettled about the stuff I am reading in this thread. I have idealistic visions of finding mama friends to hang out with while we watch our kids play together. It seemed like an easy way to make friends lol.
Last edited by islandofapples; 08/27/11 08:40 PM.
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,694
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Islandofapples, I have found it easier to make friends since having kids. But as my eldest daughter grows up I do constantly finding myself completely lacking the skills to help her navigate peer bitchyness. Like you I just avoid people that give me a bad vibe, have never coped with office politics, etc. But when we have a playdate here and I can see that the other kids clearly are being exclusive and mean, then lying to her and to me about their behaviour I haven't got the FAINTEST idea how to deal with that without seeming like I am just taking my own child's side. And simply sending the other kids home doesn't seem like a good idea either. I think I have been more distressed than my DD by some recent playdate carry on.
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 7,207
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My favorite book to help DS with friendships was
Friends Forever: How Parents Can Help Their Kids Make and Keep Good Friends [Paperback]
Fred Frankel (Author)
I'm not sure if it goes into depth with the 'little girl thing' that seems so inevitable but it seems worth a try.
As far as learning to understand and unravel verbal violence, I love the books by Suzette Haden Elgin in her Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense.
There is an Audible Audio that might be particularly useful, I've enjoyed all the books although they are quite repetitive.
Mastering the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense [Unabridged] [Audible Audio Edition]
Best Wishes,
this is a tough one!
Grinity
Coaching available, at SchoolSuccessSolutions.com
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 687
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I can see that the other kids clearly are being exclusive and mean, then lying to her and to me about their behaviour I haven't got the FAINTEST idea how to deal with that without seeming like I am just taking my own child's side. And simply sending the other kids home doesn't seem like a good idea either. Dittoing the suggestion for the Good Friends Are Hard to Find book. Just to give you a preview one of things he suggests is to focus on one on one playdates. It is much easier for kids to develop better social skills one on one. Anytime you start getting bigger groups there is more risk of exclusionary play and that sort of thing. I didn't catch how old your child is, but with preschool or lower elementary kids... If you do have a group over my suggestion would be to start with a clear statement of the rules "At our house the rule is everyone gets to play" and then if you see violations of that rule remind them of the house rules and make it clear how it applies.
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,694
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Thank you Grinity and PTP for your thoughtful suggestions. I actually have read Friends Forever on your recommendation Grinity. And I thought that it was helping, and that my DD was ready for a group play (which I had avoided for 2 yrs!) and um, Disaster... Two girls from the group of 4 she is part of at school got dropped off 45 mins early (yes really) and came together and had already hit their groove in the car before arriving, the 4th girl was delivered an hour late and by then things were already bad.
She's 9, in yr 4, one of the youngest in her class, but most of them are younger siblings rather than the eldest, and we think she has undiagnosed ADHD, possibly even some ASD-ish-ness... Woohoo that psych appt is looming!
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