Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Worrying about Death

I have gone through some old posts about death and was just looking to the board for some reassurance. Our DS8 has been really worrying about death/dying over the last few months to the point that he dreads going to sleep at night because he said he can't shut his brain off and his brain tends to start thinking about death. He will start getting anxious around dinner time knowing that bedtime is not too far away. we have been going to a therapist for a little bit to help him with his fear but it has not really seemed to help him. We have tried talking with him but I think we are worried that if we give too much or too little information it will make his anxiety worse. We told our family about this in hopes that maybe someone would have a suggestion and they were confused as to why an 8 year old was even thinking about death. I would love any suggestions, if your child went through this kind of situation?? Thanks!

I went through it, and eventually grew out of it. I'm hoping your son will too.

How a parent comforts a child's worries about death may depend on the family's religion. Millions of Christian children have recited the prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I shall die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

I don't know if this prayer calms more children than it worries, but the idea that death is not final could be comforting.

An atheist could point to statistics showing that the chance of dying young in the U.S. or other parts of the Western world is very small.

If it helps, we have had this on and off since DD was 5. We are not religious, but I have described many beliefs about the afterlife to DD; she really likes the idea of reincarnation and finds that comforting.

I would never teach her the "If I should die before I wake" prayer--yikes!

thanks guys - we are not religious - i have tried talking with him sharing that many different religions have different beliefs - I have been trying to find information on line about different religious beliefs about death and it can be a little overwhelming looking everything up :-) Thanks for the reincarnation comment ultramarina - he likes to take in information and then process it - but trying to tow the line of giving him too much information so i don't make matters worse can be difficult :-) the prayer would definitely freak him out since falling asleep is a big problem for him :-) Thanks for sharing

I think the suggestion about discussing statistics on death rates in the US is a good one if your son is scientific/analytical. DS6 went through a period of being very worried about DH and I dying after a close friend our age, whose daughter was DS's age, died two years ago. We talked alot about different religions' views on death, how it was very unusual that our friend died at such a young age, the difference between being sick with a common ailment versus a fatal illness, and the fact that most people die of old age.

Our DS is very analytical, and it was comforting to him to understand scientifically that death is most common due to old age. I imagine if our DS went through the worry that your son is experiencing, we would probably talk about it scientifically: healthy people don't die in their sleep, and here's why.

Hi Belle
This is a little tangential to the subject (death) but not to the experience. DS 5 since 4 has had the same thing where he can't shut his brain off. It started alongside what I call the explosion, where he just started devouring books jumping reading levels so fast that he was reading things and we were reading to him things that he could not stop thinking about. Things mildly scary would set him off but sometimes it was just any bit
of information that he was chewing on. We realized that his brain needed to process, he also had scary dreams too, although not really nightmares because they would
come immediately and he would then wake up like 10 minutes after going to sleep but he had been asleep.

Anyway, we came up with the solution of the mindwiper, his term, for a very simple book, initially the board books we kept sentimentally, the mindwipers calm him and give
him something to focus on as he is drifting off but the aren't so compelling as to keep him awake.

So I can't speak to the big existential questions, but practically speaking is there something that DS could do which is a soothing distraction. And the fact that DS is in on it is key, he actually asks for them so it becomes a ritual in and of itself

Hang in there,

DeHe

I just noticed this study, Death Understanding and Fear of Death in Young Children. Haven't read it yet.

You could go to some imaginery excercises for comfort before bed. Go walk thru a beautiful garden, does your child want to name the garden? you may take time and pick some flowers,what kind or colors do you imagine? and notice butterflies. Walk thru the gate and cross the bridge, When you see the worry tree go sit in it's branches. YOu may look out into the garden. do you see any rabbits? IF you have any worries you can tell the tree. His branches are there to comfort you. Do you feel the sunshine? the warm breeze is nice, When you are done you may either leave your worries behind or take them with you.

YOu can lead the child a bit and let them make the story their own. Nature can be very healing. You could talk about how a walk in the woods make you feel good.

Hope this helps. Writing and talking about his issues will help. Yoga may also help.

I wonder if it might help to validate his feelings. Acknowledge his thoughts might be scary and ask him what he might think to be helpful - your therapist should be able to help with this????

we have thoughts and explanantions don't always address what's underneath... the emotions which these little guys can't really process.

Good luck.

Thanks so much to everyone about this. We had a meeting this past week with his therapist (just a explaination....DS8 was diagnosed with PTSD about a year ago due a traumatic medical event that happened to him...one afternoon we were working on some science projects and he passed out several times in a row - the last time his lips turned blue and he was laying on the floor non-responsive so I called 911 in which he was taken to the hospital in the ambulance and they did countless tests on him...all came back normal...finally it was found by his doctor that he had water in his inner ear causing dizziness and the passing out)...the whole thing was just too much for his little sensitive system and he was really traumatized - the psych diagnosed him with PTSD and he got intensive therapy for almost a year. We turned the corner big time about 3 months ago for the positive and I pretty much have my happy-go-lucky little kid back but this fear of death started from everything that occured.
Associating his passing out with going to sleep at night scares him because he said everything was black and gone and he is afraid to go to sleep because it is too much like when he passed out and now has associated the 2 with dying and how that might be like the same.

His psych said we are handling it in a great way by having discussions with him - DS8 came out with his main fear that death scared him because it was "the end, final, kaput" in his words. The therapist said it was an excellent idea to share different religious views on death and DS was comforted when I told him about how some religions believe in reincarnation (THANK YOU Ultramarina)...so we will keep going down that road. He was also comforted when we spoke about how everything has a cycle and that there are things that will never end such as our love for each other. I just never in a million years thought that I would be having such a deep conversation with my 8 year old child :-) His psych said that DS is very analytical and very mature for his age and that it can cause some problems in that he is still an 8 year in many ways. Thank you so much for the help it means more than you know!

EMDR is not my modality of therapy, but I always refer out for PTSD clients. Not sure how it works for kids, but may be worth looking into. Many have amazing results?!

The brain is more active during sleep than when awake. Possibly researching sleep and dreams, etc. will appeal to your son's analytical mind and comfort him that closing his eyes and letting his conscious mind go doesn't mean he's gone!

Thanks so much guys - I have a good list of library books I have on reserve now about dreams and reincarnation amongst a few others :-) for the recommendation of EMDR - we attempted a therapist who did EMDR and it was a disaster - the therapist was just not a good match with my son and then after the fact we found out that he was not certified in EMDR - so maybe down the road we may revisit that again with someone who is certified :-) For about 6 of our 10 months of PTSD therapy we were seeing a Psychologist, a Hypnotherapist and the gentleman who did EMDR - all at the recommendation of the psychologist. The hypnotherapist is the one my son loves to see and so now we just see him when he needs someone to talk to...DS8 says that he talks to him like he is not a little baby :-)

some future ideas:
If you get a gold fish for a pet. When the fish dies and you can let the child deal with it. It can help them to deal with death in a little way.

Also an Amerillis bulb flower can help. It grows and blooms then the bulb rots and goes back to the earth - the life cycle.

We just went through the death of my grandfather. �The other day Wyatt 3.5 brought it up. �He said, Mamma, who's going to be my Mamma when you die? �I almost said, who asked you that, then I realized he asked himself that. �He already asked me earlier what happens if I get sick, or you get sick, or Esperanza gets sick, or dada gets sick. �I said, if one of us gets sick we'll just get better, it's only if you get very old and very sick, then you die. �( -10 points Mamma). �So I said, who do u want to be your Mamma if I die? �He said, you can't die until you get like Pompa (very old). �I said, you're right. �He said, but when you die I'm going to call somebody else Mamma. �I asked who he wanted to call Mamma after I die. �He settled on choosing my aunt. �I wonder if he noticed she's older than me.
I'm writing this post because he just asked me, "when I was in your belly how did you get me out?". I showed him a video of a water birth. �He said �that's a bellybutton. �Then later he told me, that wasn't a bellybutton, was it? �I didn't want to answer because I didn't want him saying the word vagina in public. �He already runs out of the bathroom saying, Mamma! �I pooped! �I wiped my butt and I washed my hands! �A little loudly for my preference, at least at the restaurant. �Anyway, he's still asking. �I'm about to show him a more graphic video from YouTube. �Maybe I can still get out of telling him the word for it.

I wouldn't count on it!