Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Worrying about Death

I have gone through some old posts about death and was just looking to the board for some reassurance. Our DS8 has been really worrying about death/dying over the last few months to the point that he dreads going to sleep at night because he said he can't shut his brain off and his brain tends to start thinking about death. He will start getting anxious around dinner time knowing that bedtime is not too far away. we have been going to a therapist for a little bit to help him with his fear but it has not really seemed to help him. We have tried talking with him but I think we are worried that if we give too much or too little information it will make his anxiety worse. We told our family about this in hopes that maybe someone would have a suggestion and they were confused as to why an 8 year old was even thinking about death. I would love any suggestions, if your child went through this kind of situation?? Thanks!

I went through it, and eventually grew out of it. I'm hoping your son will too.

How a parent comforts a child's worries about death may depend on the family's religion. Millions of Christian children have recited the prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I shall die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

I don't know if this prayer calms more children than it worries, but the idea that death is not final could be comforting.

An atheist could point to statistics showing that the chance of dying young in the U.S. or other parts of the Western world is very small.

If it helps, we have had this on and off since DD was 5. We are not religious, but I have described many beliefs about the afterlife to DD; she really likes the idea of reincarnation and finds that comforting.

I would never teach her the "If I should die before I wake" prayer--yikes!

thanks guys - we are not religious - i have tried talking with him sharing that many different religions have different beliefs - I have been trying to find information on line about different religious beliefs about death and it can be a little overwhelming looking everything up :-) Thanks for the reincarnation comment ultramarina - he likes to take in information and then process it - but trying to tow the line of giving him too much information so i don't make matters worse can be difficult :-) the prayer would definitely freak him out since falling asleep is a big problem for him :-) Thanks for sharing

I think the suggestion about discussing statistics on death rates in the US is a good one if your son is scientific/analytical. DS6 went through a period of being very worried about DH and I dying after a close friend our age, whose daughter was DS's age, died two years ago. We talked alot about different religions' views on death, how it was very unusual that our friend died at such a young age, the difference between being sick with a common ailment versus a fatal illness, and the fact that most people die of old age.

Our DS is very analytical, and it was comforting to him to understand scientifically that death is most common due to old age. I imagine if our DS went through the worry that your son is experiencing, we would probably talk about it scientifically: healthy people don't die in their sleep, and here's why.

Hi Belle
This is a little tangential to the subject (death) but not to the experience. DS 5 since 4 has had the same thing where he can't shut his brain off. It started alongside what I call the explosion, where he just started devouring books jumping reading levels so fast that he was reading things and we were reading to him things that he could not stop thinking about. Things mildly scary would set him off but sometimes it was just any bit
of information that he was chewing on. We realized that his brain needed to process, he also had scary dreams too, although not really nightmares because they would
come immediately and he would then wake up like 10 minutes after going to sleep but he had been asleep.

Anyway, we came up with the solution of the mindwiper, his term, for a very simple book, initially the board books we kept sentimentally, the mindwipers calm him and give
him something to focus on as he is drifting off but the aren't so compelling as to keep him awake.

So I can't speak to the big existential questions, but practically speaking is there something that DS could do which is a soothing distraction. And the fact that DS is in on it is key, he actually asks for them so it becomes a ritual in and of itself

Hang in there,

DeHe

I just noticed this study, Death Understanding and Fear of Death in Young Children. Haven't read it yet.

You could go to some imaginery excercises for comfort before bed. Go walk thru a beautiful garden, does your child want to name the garden? you may take time and pick some flowers,what kind or colors do you imagine? and notice butterflies. Walk thru the gate and cross the bridge, When you see the worry tree go sit in it's branches. YOu may look out into the garden. do you see any rabbits? IF you have any worries you can tell the tree. His branches are there to comfort you. Do you feel the sunshine? the warm breeze is nice, When you are done you may either leave your worries behind or take them with you.

YOu can lead the child a bit and let them make the story their own. Nature can be very healing. You could talk about how a walk in the woods make you feel good.

Hope this helps. Writing and talking about his issues will help. Yoga may also help.

I wonder if it might help to validate his feelings. Acknowledge his thoughts might be scary and ask him what he might think to be helpful - your therapist should be able to help with this????

we have thoughts and explanantions don't always address what's underneath... the emotions which these little guys can't really process.

Good luck.