Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Should I be concerned?

DS10 is just finishing up fifth grade (grade skipped a few years ago). Overall it has been a better year with a subject acc. in math and some great teachers. Socially he made new friends (fifth grade starts a new school) and even had a girlfriend or two(whatever that translates into in 5th grade) for a few days. His teachers report that there are no issues with other kids not wanting to be in his group etc. and his friends are the mainstream well-liked group. His friends parents say that their sons think the world of DS and are happy they are friends.

My concern is that DS seems to have little or no interest in interacting with his friends during non-school hours. He has had a friend over once or twice this year and gone to someone else's house once. He has never asked for more and I mention almost every week that his friends are welcome anytime and he should call if he wants to make plans.

He is also what I consider "over-attached" to me. He wants me on all field trips and will even sit with me during those events, while my DD8 already plays it cool whenever I am at a school event.

Does any of this sound like anything I should be concerned with?

Thanks Dottie,

You're right, I shouldn't compare to his sister. I also have two older boys though and DS10 is just a horse of a different color altogether.

He does seem happy and well-liked but I would like to see more social interaction. Unfortunately we do not live in a neighborhood so there are few chances once home. It was this thought that had me getting concerned as summer approached and he will not have that regular contact from school.

I intend to sign him up for camp but that creates its own problems as he doesn't want to go and dislikes having his leisure time dictated. He would be happy to sit home all summer and play on the computer if I let him.

Glad to hear that your DS has grown and changed in those 10-12 years. Gives me hope that DS doesn't become the brilliant guy who lives in the park and talks to himself. :-)

I just wanted to say that my DS12 sounds similar. He is a shy kid and also an introvert, so that can make him slightly socially awkward (i.e., it doesn't always come easily to him). According to all his teachers he has plenty of friends at school and he participates in class. He regularly talks through e-mail with a few girls who are friends, and even has a girl at school who he likes (although I'm sure he hasn't said anything to her about it). He also has some older acquaintances who are boys he sees in the weight room at school, and one chose to even honor him at his senior ceremony as someone from school who was important to him (although I've never actually heard DS talk about him).

He doesn't have any friends, though, who he wants to have come over, and he never talks or texts the kids from school. He had one friend over a couple of times last year, and he went over to this friend's house a couple of times, but this boy isn't actually the kind of kid I'd want my DS to hang out with.

When I've seen him at school with other boys he doesn't seem quite like a part of the group usually, although he is included. He is one of the few kids who hasn't been together since kindergarten, and being shy, he hasn't fully integrated in that chummy way preteen and teen boys have.

My DS is in Boy Scouts and enjoys lots of activities, including week-long camps, with these boys. But he doesn't go to school with most of these kids and doesn't see them outside of scouts. Also, when he's with these kids they are usually doing things like fishing or archery or hiking, which are not necessarily interactive. He does interact with them, but he's usually not hanging with them casually and goofing around a lot.

He also has a neighbor who is the same age, and they will "play" occasionally, but DS finds this boy bossy (as do I!) and so he limits how much time they spend together. When they were younger they would play together all day long.

He, too, would rather spend all his time playing video games or building legos. If he wants to "play" with anyone, it's usually his brother and sister.

I remember that, as a teenager, I didn't like to mix my friends from different activities (church, school, band) and I didn't really have much desire to do things outside of school with my friends, even though I had really good friends at school. I'm more social now and really enjoy seeing my friends at different activities, but I'm loathe to entertain or even go out of my way to socialize. And yet I'm a pretty successful, happy person so I'm not sure my introversion was detrimental in the long run.

Anyway, I'm no help. But I wanted to thank you for bringing up this topic. This is actually something I think about a bit. I'm never sure whether I should just leave him be or whether I should be encouraging him to have friends over.

DS14 is super-outgoing, and he also would be happy to sit home 24/7/365 and play on the computer if I let him.

I'm sure you don't let your son have unrestricted computer time - so I would sit down with him and say: "The Internet will be off until 4PM daily, are you sure you don't want a summer camp or two?"

Did I misunderstand this whole thing?
Love and More Love,
Grinity

LOL Grinity,

That is exactly how I got him to go to camp last year! The deal was camp and no computer but unlimited on weekends or no camp and one hour a day only. Camp won out and he actually ended up loving this camp (sports camp) but I can't even come close to affording it this year. :-(

Funny thing is that he just picked up the phone to call his friend after I am online obsessing about his lack of social initiative. Sigh...where are the instructions on this kid??!!

nmmom,

Thank you so much for your post! I guess DS is just one of those "I" people on the personality scales and while he enjoys his friends he also enjoys his downtime. I have to say now that you all have helped me gain some perspective I am the same way. I like going to parties but I am always one of the first ones to leave and I like nothing better than coming home from work on a day when no one else is due home for an hour or two.

That's great that your DS will participate in group things and go away on camping trips etc.

I ask myself the same thing about my girls on a regular basis. Just when I think I've got them figured out, they change.

I recently brought this subject up with my DDthen8's teacher. They said she was VERY well liked and a leader! She said the girls "flock to her"...but then I told them...She hasn't had ONE single friend over all year..(she was had a very active social life at her old school..with oler kids) and she hasn't called one girl to come over to play! They couldn't believe it! I think maybe she just prefers to keep her new friends at school. And that's that. She is being cautious about making best friends (she had some real life lessons in that) and she is "playing it cool!" I think that she hasn't found anyone that is interesting enough to her that she wants to go out of her way to see..

BUT she is very happy to be liked and that is enough for now. I am seeing what I can to do enroll her in classes that expose her to older children. She already takes Ballet with older girls and it is such a good fit. They live very far away, but she would play with those girls anytime!

Great minds think alike!
Sorry you can't afford the sports camp this year - do they have 'scholarships?'

Good luck digging around and finding some fun activities - check the 'local' museams, libraries, nature centers, community colleges.

It's great to accept who you are and who your kid is - and great to set some limits on cyberworld.

I always notice that as the weather gets nicer, DS increases his social activity. Even that really terrible year where we decided to switch school, in the spring everyone wanted to be around DS. It could drive you cazy if you let it. I try to think of every day as a fresh start for all of us!

Grinity