Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DS7 says he hates me???

This is coming from my own perspective, so take it for what it's worth.

Kids try on a lot of emotions and tactics to test you, to see what gets a rise out of you, what hurts you, what brings consequences that they don't want to experience again. And my gifted kids often challenged me as a parent more in this way.

The fact that your child can turn it on and off (not exhibiting this kind of extreme reaction or using cruel comments at school but turning them on at home) indicates to me that he is choosing to behave this way with you because it gets him something he wants - whether he's aware of doing this or not.

So analyze your response to his declarations that he hates you, his extreme display of emotions. And then ask yourself what he is getting out of that response.

Are you getting hurt and focusing on emotions so that he is let out of doing what was asked of him? If so, my bet is that he's using his behavior to get out of work he doesn't want to do. Do you drop what you were doing to focus on him and give him intense attention to analyze what's wrong with him? If this is the case, perhaps he is learning that the way to get your undivided attention is to become a worry through his behavior and words.

When you figure out what he is getting out of this interchange, you'll know how to change so that he gets what he needs in a healthier way.

My kids all tried out the "I hate you" routine on me, but only once. I came down firm, swift, and matter of fact with a lecture about how our hurtful words can wound another and that we can't take things back that we've said. I taught them without showing emotion of my own that we have every right to tell others how they make us feel - I'm feeling very angry, what you said made me mad, etc. - but that we did not have the right to be cruel when we were expressing our emotions. I then exacted a punishment that was extreme (I think my oldest had her coloring books and crayons removed for several days because she was still very little when she tried this tactic on me).

If your child is doing this to get out of work, make sure it doesn't work. If your child is doing it to get attention, make sure you make a concerted effort to set aside what you are doing to give him one on one time that is positive and productive - not to analyze his feelings or talk about yours, but to talk about his day, about some cool idea he's exploring, to show him how to do something new on the computer, etc.

If he was not able to control his feelings or expressions in every situation (school, home, the store, etc.), then I'd be more worried about an organic or emotional problem that needed intervention. This just sounds more like a very smart child trying out behaviors to see what reaction they get and how this serves him.

Oh - and I just saw your last comment about his father going to Afghanistan. If he is sensing the worry, anxiety, and more intense emotions from you - and kids are amazing barometers of our fears even if we are careful not to talk in front of them - this acting out may be a reaction to his own sense of things not being "right" at home. A calm conversation that focuses completely on how the changes will affect him and what plans you are making so that he knows his own world isn't going to be rocked (kids are self-centric and really need to know that they're going to be ok when change is pushed upon them), he may calm down as well. If he's overheard conversations or just picked up on the unspoken anxiety, he may not have the words to express what he's really afraid of.

Hope this helps. If not, please just ignore.