I've decided not to tell the teacher anything about my DD's abilities. But assuming there are no signs of differentiation how long do I wait before I do ask for a conference?
And what are the signs she's being given differentiated work? Would the teacher contact us, necessarily?
The teacher won't nescessarily contact you. Usually the schools don't want the 'other parents' to know, so they won't tell you. Sometimes parents themselves 'bug out' so they think 'what good can come of it?' and stay quiet.
In 2nd grade the staff saw that there were a whole bunch of reading boys. (all of them except my summer baby had been held back in Kindy, so were a whole year to 18 months older) So they decided to 'try an experiement' and put them all together in a single classroom of about 20 kids.
Back then my son is very age appropriate in speed, handwriting, self-discipline, and wiggliness. They gave that group of kids 5th grade books to read in their reading group. They didn't mention it to me until about 6 weeks before school was over.
In October at back to school the teacher was raving about DS. By December she was convinced that the had 'the worst case of ADHD she had ever seen.' How much of this was due to the fact that she was looking at him compared to a classroom full of regular age girls and boys who are 12-18 months older? We had school meetings about how it was all the parent's fault because I was an older mom, and a working,professional mom. They never mentioned the sneak cluster group.
I was grateful that he was able to read 5th grade level books in school. The teacher reported that during classroom discussions he was 'her angel' who rescued her when the class just sat there looking blankly, so she knew he understood things. He just couldn't keep up with his reading group in speed when it came to filling out worksheets. The group task was to find words from their books in a dictionary and write down the definitions. The boys quickly starting acting like it was a race and letting DS know that he was holding the group back because he wrote so slowly. In retrospect, he probably didn't write any more slowly than the average 7 year old boy.
She made a big deal in class about DS's behavior, and all the kids started to treat him as though there was something wrong with him. Ds also internalized that there was 'something wrong with him.' It was our very worst year. Luckily it lead to testing that included information that led us to Davidson. But it was a hard and heavy road. Unluckily it sent us down the rabbit hole of NonVerbal Learning Disorder - a misdiagnosis.
Personally I'm grateful, because otherwise I never would have understood the heaviness of heart reserved for parents of children who are told that they child has something wrong with them. One wakes up with it every day. It's hard not to let it poison the relationship with that child, and the other parent. But I don't like learning amazing life lessons at my child's expense.
The very next year DS had a teacher who totally got DS with no help from me at all! He was happy socially, academically, spiritually. He stopped believing that something was wrong with him. I had nothing to do with it. She invented a lot of activites for DS to be a class leader in and never told us until the end of the year. She acted like it was 'just normal' to send a kid who 'finished early' to the single classroom computer to look up more information about the topic of the day and then give the class a minilecture about what he had learned. Even though she never had done that before. She was amazing.
So my long answer is - it varies. The 2nd grade teacher was impervious, even after IQ scores were on the table. The 3rd grade teacher didn't need any guidance at all.
Bottom Line: Start the relationship building right away. Send an email every week about how excited your daughter is to be in this teacher's class, and what DD talks about during dinner. Teacher are so starved for positive feedback. A 3 line email is perfect! We'll tend to think that praising someone for planting seeds in dixie cups isn't big enough to praise someone for - we are wrong! Just being noticed by another adult is very validating.
Follow the 'if you can't say anything nice, find something nice to say - small is better that silence' rule. Do not complain at all. After about 4-6 weeks of this, you can request a meeting to ask for more feedback about how DD is doing. By then you will have established your reputation as 'amazing.' You are still building the relationship and playing detective, but you can ask more direct questions at this point. Depending on the rapport, you can share your worry 'as a worry' gently, or share a 'what I'm hoping for' statement. Then make plans to follow up. It's a relationship you are building.
I hope that helps,
Love and More Love,
Grinity
