I have had to use both approaches over the years.
My older son (now a senior in high school) was identified as gifted in Kindergarten, but we ended up putting our kids in private school before he was placed. When we re-entered public school, my son was entering midschool and we chose not to mention the prior testing and put my son in regular ed.
What a mistake. He started misbehaving, and I was finally called in for a conference when my son began failing all of his classes after he decided to see if he could get all zeros while still doing the work. When I asked him why, he said, "Because it is a lot harder to get a zero than it looks. You have to pay attention to the question to make sure you get it completely wrong and don't earn partial credit."
At that point, I became a firm believer in gifted education, but by then the school had my son pegged as a ne'er do well, lazy brat. They refused to provide gifted screening, pointing out that my son's grades did not indicate a gifted level of performance. I was a reporter at the time, and I "went to the mattresses". Short story is that the administration's fear of media coverage resulted in testing and placement in the gifted program within a very short time. And I would go in guns blazing again; it made a massive difference in his performance, self esteem and behavior.
When it came time to deal with my younger son's need for testing for a learning disability, the diagnostician refused due to his grade-level performance. At the time, we had wonderful insurance that covered private testing at a $30 copay (can you believe that?), and rather than go to war, I just had him tested. Getting the results into his file was a much easier challenge that fighting for testing, and it kept me from having to make an enemy to get it done. Thus far his teachers have been amazing with the exception of his second grade teacher who decided she was going to "cure" him. After several heated meetings that escalated to include the entire support team and administration, she decided to abide by the accommodations set out in the IEP and to stop penalizing him for spelling errors when it wasn't a spelling test, poor handwriting, and not writing on the lines.
His teachers last year and again this year have been amazing - making suggestions for alternate projects to help challenge his strengths and accommodate his disability, emailing me when his class clown coping strategy has gotten out of hand, and letting me know when he's had difficulty with a project so we can address it at home. Any time I've emailed either of these teachers with a concern, it's been met with professionalism and a thoughtful plan of action, and so kid gloves have been all that I've needed.
I don't care for the guns-blazing approach, and I think if it becomes a pattern, one runs the risk of becoming that "problem parent" that the school no longer takes seriously and avoids at all costs. But when saved for times when it really matters, it is a vital tool in advocating for kids who don't fit well inside the standard education model.
