Hi, Sky--
The whole business of diagnosis is so much harder with girls than with boys-- there is less science on the girls, and because they don't act out as aggressively, they get less help.
I have a son and a niece with Asperger's. The growling is very familiar (it can be outgrown, don't worry!), as is a lot of what you describe.
To me, it seems like when you can manage it you should definitely seek further testing with an expert who is very experienced both with giftedness and with Asperger's and ADHD. You will want to know whether the self-centeredness is just personality or if it's neurological in origin, because that will probably affect how you choose to deal with it moving forward.
We found a developmental pediatrician who was capable of handling a child this complex in the autism program of a local children's hospital; there are some in individual private practice, too. Sometimes a dev. ped. is better covered by insurance than a neuropsych.
A diagnosis can be a gift-- as you've noticed, operating without one when one is genuinely needed is totally exhausting. The diagnosis can provide a road map and resources to help. For us, it put us on a good path.
HTH,
DeeDee
