Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy What would you do differently? LONG

Hi Floridama! I'm so glad you've gotten such great advice and sympathy. My son was this way, and it sent me into a tizzy trying to figure out what could be so very wrong that he would act like this. Sure, having him spend many hours a day with agemates in daycare wasn't helping, but I've come to the realization that 'that just how some of our kids are.'

Sure, they need to learn like other kids need food. Sure they are 'shamed' by the various indignities of being a young child, but in the end, I wish I had 'woken up' to the reality of my son's personality a lot sooner.

I can tell you that if he keeps up that behavior in school, you will catch a lot of blame, and you do not deserve that. You are being completely reasonable in your parenting - you just happen to have an intense child who needs 'extra-super' parenting.

I think the book Transforming the Difficult Child, has helped me tremendously. http://difficultchild.com/

It starts with the parents getting really intense about verbally praising what the child is doing well. Anytime the child uses a non-obnoxious tone of voice - praise his respectful tone. Anytime the child shows any drop of flexibility - specifically praise that moment of flexibility. Challenge yourself to see how often you can notice him being kind, respectful, or obedient. Verbalize those feelings if it doesn't cause too much of an uproar, or just beam at him.

The idea is that at this moment your son is addicted to the negative energy that he gets from pushing your buttons. This means that the first step is to provide lots of opportunities for him to get nourishing positive energy from the good behavior he is already doing. Then keep the rules 'clean and simple.' No more 'Please don't swing' - just 'BAT, MINE, NOW' in a calm but firm voice. No more asking what he means by 'you aren't feeding me,' - Just ignore any words he says that use a bossy tone and move on. Look around for something, anything positive in the room that you can praise. It's ok not to share how he makes you feel when he uses that tone - do the worlds best acting job to project 'Yes - children make mistakes - looking to start a squabble by using disrespectful tones is just another mistake that children make.' No more explaining the reasons for your rules. You are the adult here, and for some kids, sadly, giving explanations communicates that your authority alone isn't enough. Practice looking shocked when he says 'But WHY!?!' and 'That's not fair!?!' Practice saying: I am older and I know better. and 'of course you don't understand - you are a child, and children don't understand lots of adult things.'

It seems so unfair that parents who are ready to parent in a cool 'power-sharing' way sometimes get kids who just can not handle that kind of openess. I wish someone had explained this to me when my son was 4. I thought the answer was to just do more power-sharing and be every more scrupulous. Sadly, there just are some very concrete gifted kids in this world who need charismatic leaders and ultraclear boundries.

If he wakes up every day with a mission to prove every day that other are wrong accept that, for today, that is just who he is. How would you react if you weren't worried about what that might mean is wrong in his world, or how he will be when he grows up, or enters school. Just wake up determined every day to prove to him that he gets more juicy interaction and rich relationship from good behavior than bad behavior.

At a moment when things are going well, you might have a little family meeting about how weak people like to focus on what is wrong, but strong people like to focus on what is right, so from now on there will be a rule about 'no children correcting people ever' from now on, and when you trust your son to handle his strong feelings about other people's mistakes, he will eventually do just that.

Even at age 4, during happy moments, you might try explaining about the inside face and the outside face, so that he knows that it's ok, normal, important, to spend some time figuring out what the situation requires and putting on an 'outside face' to show the world when he is away from home. We used to practice social lying - when Grandma asks 'how do you like my new hairstyle' then it might be time to put on the outside face and squeeze out a smile and a social lie.

What about how he reacts to your discipline interventions? He will probably not like being told that he doesn't understand everything, or that life isn't fair, or that you've changed your mind, and he will express those feelings if your family norm is that it's ok for him to show his inside face to you. You can praise him for expressing how he feels about it, and then let it go. You may have to 'fake it until you make it' for quite a while, but there are some places he will go emotionally where you just can not follow him. Putting attention on it just gives him hope that he can get more of your attention by hyping his inner face. You have to figure out a way to reassure yourself that you are the boss, and that you are doing him a tremendous favor by acting like it.

I hope this helps and doesn't make you feel worse. It isn't your fault in any way that your son is like this. Fairness is giving each child what they need, not what you needed, not what their sibling needs, not what you want them to need. Getting DH involved in this way will go miles and miles toward improvement. At age 13, my DH has finally come around to seeing that he must play a role with DS that if very counter to everything he would like to believe about the world, and DH has taken over all the routines and much of the discipline. Do I sexistly believe that a female can't provide this level of athority? No, my mom was pack leader, no questions asked. But me, the female that I happen to be, would much rather be soft and loving and interested in every little thing sort of parent. Having 2 parents who are willing to 'umpire' our DS has really helped. I've really grown a lot!

Love and More Love,
Grinity