I need some advice, or encouragement, regarding how DH and I handle our son. DS is our 2nd child, so we are not rookies. He just turned 4 2 weeks ago, but he has been angry, controlling, and independent basically since he was born. In other words he is exhausting. So, I would like to get some opinions about how DH and I are handling some common situations we have with him. Based on the following examples, What would you have done differently if you were in our shoes? I'll also note that we already try to be proactive by allowing him to have control over as much as possible everyday, in hopes that it will lesson his need for power. IE He gets to pick out his clothes, choose his computer time block, pick out the vegetable for dinner.... But that is not enough to feed his constant desire to rule the world.
EXAMPLE 1
We are at the dinner table and DS, out of the blue, says in his infamous -I know it all voice/tone- "You are not feeding me" confused I asked what he means by that. He replies "The other day you said that one of your jobs was to feed us, THIS is not called feeding me" (Let me note that this conversation was weeks+ ago, not days!) I figured out that he was implying that "feeding" means to physically spoon food into the mouth. And he was trying, like always, to make a point that someone is wrong. I gently explained to him that "feeding" has different meanings and to give an example I said that "You often help FEED the dog by putting the food into the bowl, hence you can feed someone without physically spooning the food into someone's mouth." He replies back still in his -I know it all voice/tone- "Well you are still wrong" GRRR I reply back "Son I understand that it is not fun being wrong but in this case YOU are the one who is incorrect. It is also very rude to use that tone and constantly try to prove that someone, especially an adult, is wrong."
He constantly, almost everyday, does things like this. He corrects every grammar, pronunciation, and vocabulary mistake, adults or otherwise. His tone is the worst part, it is very rude, condescending, and disrespectful. It's like everyday he wakes up with a mission to prove others wrong and if he can't find something in the moment he reaches back into the past. To be honest his corrections are usually right, but when he is wrong he refuses to accept it. He speaks in this tone to many of my adult friends, as well. My BF says his mouth is just like her 13yo, and she is correct! Dh and I constantly feel embarrassed, exhausted and sometimes defeated. What could we do differently to help our preschooler quit seeking power/control by finding faults in others? And help him understand that his TONE is offending? I know that a 12yo has the capacity to know what their tone is implying, does a 3/4 year old? Does he consciously know what he doing or is it just a manifestation of a brain that is beyond one's social development?
EXAMPLE 2
DS is swinging his bat in the living room. I reply "Please don't swing that in the living room you could accidentally break something like the TV and that would not be cool" So he starts moving the bat slowly "Son I just asked you not to swing that in my living room, why are you making the choice not to listen and follow the rules" He replies back "I am not swing it, I am moving it slowly through the air" I say "I am not going to have a debate with you about the definition of swinging, you may now take your bat to your bedroom." he gets mad "you never let me do anything fun" and takes it his bedroom. NOTE: He walks as hard as he can without technically stomping, because he gets in trouble for stomping; He closes his door as hard as he can without technically slamming it, because he gets in trouble for door slamming.
2 DAYS later DS had the bat back in the living room and was doing the "slow swing" before I say anything he says "I am not swinging it I am slowly moving it through the air and the TV will not get broken because I am being careful" Did he really want to play with the bat? NO He just wanted to prove the loophole in the rule and use it to prove that he can. So I gently explain to him that playing with bat in the living room still makes me nervous, so the new rule is that the bat is not allowed to be in the living room. He replies back "That means I can't ever take the bat outside because I'd have to go through the living room first" After that remark I couldn't help but to smile because strangling him seemed to be the only other option. I'll note that he can't stand an open debate, anytime I use the "I am not having a debate with you" line, He WILL bring it back up on a different day until the conclusion is reached.
These are true stories from this week. Similar things like this happen multiple times everyday with our son and have for years. Is there any hope of change? Will it get better or worse with maturity? Am I the only one with a teenager stuck in a preschoolers body? Thank you in advance for your input, criticism, advice, and encouragement.
