I think you are talking about a choleric temperment. Our DS13 is also a choleric - very quick to judge, a natural leader, always has an opinion, etc. A fun and easy to read book on temperments is: Personality Plus by Florence Litauer. She discusses the four main personality temperments, and also describes the positive and negative sides of each. Certainly, no one is specifically one temperment, but it sounds like your DD is definitely a strong choleric. The trick is to find out how to nurture those positive qualities and how to best deal with, address, and recognize the best ways to approach her.
Also, I completely agree that when you're dealing with a gifted child, everything (it seems) is going to be more intense - including demonstration of personality.
I recall our DS13 when he was DS2 declaring loudly when we were buckling him into his carseat, "No! It's MY do it!" That became a familiar mantra. Today, we all repeat it for fun and to relieve tension when we (in our family) demonstrate stubborn tendencies to accomplish something without help - even when help may be warranted.
Today, DS13 is an incredibly kind, thoughtful young man. He is still a choleric, but has really come to understand that there are other ways of seeing things - and he is respectful of others, even if he doesn't completely understand their approach/attitudes. He has grown into a person with amazing leadership skills - because he is thoughtful of others. We found that through the years the best approach was to treat him respectfully including explaining the reasons why certain approaches may not be met with appreciation!
Interestingly, about a year ago, DS-then-12 and DD-then-9 were having a discussion in the livingroom as I happened to walk by. I overheard this: "I'm sorry, but because of my personality traits, I felt it important to make my point clear." "I understand. But because of my personality temperment, when you expressed yourself in the way you did, it made me feel judged." The two of them went on to describe their own feelings, all the while being respectful of the other's. When the conversation was through, they were not only still best of friends, but also felt heard and better understood, and I continued on through the back of the room without ever being noticed! These kids - they sure do teach us a lot!!
Anyway, I feel like you've received some great advice and some great recommendations for books. Isn't it wonderful that we have this place to share our thoughts, ideas, and experiences with each other?!
Best of luck!
