This is a great post!!
Knute describes very well what my two kids experienced (though one of mine is a boy, he is gentle and sensitive, and avoided competition even more than my girl did- so while I think gender certainly plays a role, so does temperament and personality). I think the description of deep thinkers is spot on- this is what I was so clumsily trying to describe in our frustrating math journey. I believe there are long-standing, systematic attitudes and policies in many schools which are enormous obstacles to educating this kind of student.