Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy "I don't know" and "ok"

I'm wondering if there might be someone modeling this behavior for her? It took me years to realize it was happening with my DH. He is masterful at appearing to participate in conversations but really leaving just about all decisions to me. Restating the question, repeating back my last statement, answering in the form of a question, etc. It's always been frustrating but only really got to me when I saw DD (now 14) starting to develop the same habit. They both came to realize that I would eventually make the decision - however meaningless or small - if they kept non answering or talking in circles.

A couple months ago I put my foot down. I said I would no longer be the only decision maker in the house. Period. They were both intelligent and capable of deciding what they wanted for dinner. To have an opinion on whether or not we should attend a certain activity. Invite friends over or have a quiet night. And of course with DD's complex 2e profile there is an endless number of educational questions that should not be left to me alone - that they HAVE to have an opinion on.

I had to fight my instinct to just get it done and stand quietly while they decided. To NOT make dinner if they didn't answer my question. To make it uncomfortable for them to make me uncomfortable. It's a work in progress but we've made some improvements.

I realized that DH probably has slow processing speed like DD. Of all DD's challenges that's the one that has caused me the most frustration. Taking the time to let her process things doesn't come naturally to me. I have to stop myself from jumping in rather than just waiting for them to process and consider. And they have to get used to actually processing and considering rather than expecting me (who obviously does it much faster) to do it for them.

With your DD I would first try to move these conversations away from bedtime so she doesn't have the option of just saying "good night" and putting a pillow over her head. Maybe take her to lunch and have a written agenda like a business meeting. Discuss the pros and cons of the different math options, what color to paint her room and what kind of cookies she might want to bake. It sounds weird but in a more adult context she may come out of the parent-child dynamic of leaving the decisions to you. Have her state what each option would look like. ie If you take class A it would mean not taking class B - would you be ok missing that or is that more important to you? Or focus down the road - If you want to be able to do X you will need class B. Would you rather be able to do that later or take class A now. Or what would be available to her if she didn't do the math option. "How would you feel about focusing on Marine Biology?" (or Anthropology? Or Greek Mythology? or Architecture?, etc, etc, etc) So she sees various options rather than the binary math or no? Does that make sense? Give her ownership of the decision so she knows her input has value. Then maybe give her an either or choice so she HAS to state a preference.

Just a few random thoughts. Good luck!