I think the greatest lesson I have learned so far in life with a pair of 2E kids is how hard - but how absolutely essential - it is to try and distinguish the "can't" from the "won't". We see how incredibly capable they are in many ways, but we don't see how exhausting and painfully they struggle in some areas just to keep up. We've seen them do those tasks before, so we naturally assume that of course they can do it again, they're just. not. trying.

And that's where we do the damage. Teachers, parents, everyone, every day, telling a child who's working as hard as they can - so much harder than anyone else in their class - that we don't think they are trying at all. (And I swear, there's nothing that looks more volitional than inattention in a gifted child.) Little wonder so many of them shut down.

So for us, key first steps have been big conversations with the kids about what their deficit areas are, and how these are affecting them. Such a huge relief for them to find out they aren't bad, lazy, stupid kids! They just need to do some things differently. They have important strengths, and they need to learn how to learn differently, to let their strengths soar, and to draw on them to help their deficits. They need to learn to identify those tasks or situations which are going to be harder for them, and prepare themselves to approach those differently than others need to do.

Mine need to recognize there are certain situations in which they cannot properly function, when their strengths are hamstrung, and their performance is going to be pretty bad (a recent flunked bout of standardized testing, for example). They need to know, to believe deep down inside, that this is ok. Every now and then, fish like them will be judged on their ability to climb trees, but this is not their fault and it does not reflect badly on them. I explicitly recognize with them that they are designed to work well in some environments and not in others, and there is no blame here, just awareness that that's how they are and that's how the world is, and no it's not fair, but that's the world we have to work with, so what are we going to do about it? And when they need it, I take them back to the water to remind them of what they can do when allowed to do it their way.

But most of all, more than anything, they need to know I've got their back. That I really, really understand the difference between can't and won't. And when it's can't, I am not mad or disappointed. I am proud because I see how hard they are trying. I see where they are getting better rather than how far they still have to go. I see how frustrated they themselves are with these never-ending struggles, and how much they themselves wish they could just try harder and have it come as automatically as it seems to for everyone else. And I am helping them work around their weakness, build up their skills, scaffold the extensive missing executive function. Design a tree-climbing elevator.

That's the theory, of course. In reality, I struggle daily with not losing my mind in frustration over the inattention. My kids' issues are so different from my own that it's terribly difficult for me to understand, for example, how it can take an hour to write a sentence, days to complete a paragraph. Just get it done, I want to scream, and occasionally I do. But I know they aren't doing this on purpose, and they know I know, and we joke about the ADHD and all our other E's, and accept that some stuff is really harder, and we do have to try harder - and that we ARE trying harder. And that no. matter. what., I've got their back.

On a practical note, we've spent a lot of time with the helpful book Smart but Scattered, which also has a teen version:
(https://www.amazon.com/Smart-but-Sc...55/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?i.e.=UTF8).
James Webb is a great general resource on things 2E, starting with:
https://www.amazon.com/Misdiagnosis...d=1467988559&sr=8-9&keywords=james+webb.
DS and I have spent a lot of time lately with this particular essay Webb on existential depression: http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/dabrowskis_theory_existential_depression_feb09.pdf

Final thought: It can be so very, very hard to see the deficits, masked and compensated by the strengths our kids have. Some can hide their challenges for many, many years, and may not realize other E's exist until they hit the demands of university and independent living. Many in fact realize only in retrospect, as parents on this board trying to understand their own children, what might underlie our own childhood challenges. So don't beat yourself up for what you couldn't see before. Just be glad you have this opportunity to help your DS find his challenges now, while he is still with you at home and has your support and help. And that those strengths that made it so hard to see the deficits can now be harnessed positively, to help address them.