DD10 has always had friends, but she's also always had problems getting along with other kids--lots of tears when kids "don't want to do what I want to do." In third grade (the year before last) teacher had to contact me, because she was losing her temper during group work when the kids wouldn't do what she wanted. She talks a lot about being an outsider, yet she has playdates and gets invited to birthday parties. (Although, some playdates end in tears as described above.)
I'm just wondering if this is:
--a specific temperament thing
--a gifted kid thing
--a spectrum thing (she's not diagnosed)
Do you have any other reason to suspect it's a spectrum thing? (Since you bring it up.)
Yes, our DS struggled mightily with this. Most kids do to some extent; kids on the spectrum do extra because their idea of how things ought to go is much more rigid and they lack the perspective-taking to really understand that other people like their idea "just as much as your like your own."
Things we did:
--getting DS to like and tolerate more different kinds of play. This meant getting him experience with more kinds of play, and in some cases rewarding him for tolerating them until they became something he could do with others. He really did learn to like some surprising things (e.g. football).
--teaching flexibility in general. This meant working on it every day in every context we could think of. Running out of his favorite brand of peanut butter and having him cope with having a different one; driving an unexpected way; having an errand crop up when he was hoping to go home. One learns to cope by coping.
--putting him into situations where the skill of going along with others was explicitly taught. I coached DS's Destination Imagination team for years; I taught cooperation, then consensus skills. Scouts can also be good for this, depending on the leadership, as can things like Lego League.
