The main thing is that DS has difficulty explaining the problem in words when he is upset or dealing with someone new (like a substitute teacher). If there is a problem in the classroom, the teacher doesn't have time to try to get the story from him. As an example, when he was sent to the principal'a office last spring for not sitting in his seat, he wouldn't explain to the sub and the principal wasn't there. So he couldn't explain that the problem was that his lunchbox had been taken.
If he had someone he trusted, who would have more time (e.g., a school nurse or counselor who might be able to let him sit to collect his thoughts and explain), then he would have a chance to explain what was going on rather than having an escalating system of punishment. Even if he had been misbehaving, it would be a chance for him to try to explain what had happened to better address it.
My thought is that, rather than send him to the principal, the teacher or sub could send him to someone else (not associated with punishment) to try to figure out what the problem was and to remind him of coping strategies.
The principal at the public school last year gave him an apple that he was supposed to put on his desk as a signal if there was a problem and he needed to see the principal (e.g., if he was being bullied). That wouldn't require any words. I thought it was a good idea, but DS wouldn't so it. I think part of the reason was that being sent to the principal was usually a punishment and looked to the other kids like punishment. If he could do something similar with someone who didn't have the same role in discipline, it could help a great deal (and that person could help him sort through his thoughts to talk with the principal if discipline were appropriate).
It could work by either having DS use some signal (like the apple in his desk) that he needed help or by having the teacher send him if there were some problem and he couldn't (or wouldn't) talk. When DS is upset, he's silent around strangers and school authority figures (almost like a selective mutism).
My thought is that I would be happy if he would just talk with someone, then they could either send him back to the classroom while telling the teacher the story or send him to the principal if there were a disciplinary issue. I would just want to know what happened to help him work through it, but he can tell me. The main thing is that he needs better ways to communicate his needs at school.
I think your suggestion of active listening and then suggesting courses of action would be ideal if someone could do that. Realistically, though, I'd just be happy with better communication.
As a side note, I am so grateful to have somewhere like this to talk through these ideas. Thank you very much!
Last edited by apm221; 08/16/14 12:00 PM.
