Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy M

A book which seems to understand very well and which many find supportive is "What To Do When Good Enough Isn't Good Enough". Another book you might like is "Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good". While insightful, these are written gently for kids, in a style that is fun and engaging.

Possibly at home and even at school, this may be done already, but I'll offer this idea just in case: Sometimes it helps to see how the child would like to organize things, what makes sense to them. For example, books by size?... by read/unread? by hardcover/paperback? by color of the cover? For girls, accessories together in one place? Or jewelry separate from hair accessories? One spot for fingernail polish, do not have more than what fits in that spot? While children talk through these things and prioritize their possessions according to their own wishes and the constraints of space available, they may develop their sense of self and see ways in which they may be alike their parents, friends, siblings, and the ways in which they may be different... uniquely developing their own personality. In a person who may be perfectionistic and an aspect of that may be fear of being "wrong" or "letting someone down", a person may end up hoarding things out of a sense of obligation for another's sentimental reasons which they may not share... possibly making it difficult to organize/prioritize without offending someone. On the purely practical side: looking online, through catalogs, or in a few shops may help find storage solutions which appeal to a person. For example, a stackable clear bin with a lid on it for out-of-season clothes or last year's books or treasures that need to be seen at a glance, but may not be used for months at a time... A pretty box or wood shelf for things that a person may prefer to keep out of sight... a file for cherished "best work" and photos of projects which may form a child's portfolio. If a person feels control over what they decide to keep and where/how they keep it, and knows they are respected for their personal choices in these matters, they may free themselves to grow immensely. The questions they may wish to ask themselves may be along the lines of... what do I like... what things go together (there may be a broad range of answers to this)... where will I want to look for this and find this when I need it?

Exactly! It may be that anxiety is impeding organization in the first place, so this may become a downward spiral.

I'm sorry this happened. Although this may be life, it may be an aspect of society where we may bring about change. I personally would take this opportunity to explain about the process of listing Pro/Cons, advantages/disadvantages to each approach. Many kids grasp this from an early age, especially when they may see parents or other adults "weighing" things prior to making a decision. I would share that there is often a compromise position of incorporating aspects of several ideas to make a new idea. I would discuss and give examples of the difference between positive arguing/debating the merits and drawbacks of topics/issues/projects, in which people may share their knowledge base and viewpoints... and negative/unacceptable arguing which makes an attack, however mild, on another person. I would encourage my child to be fully responsible for their own behavior (not making attacks, etc) and to take NO responsibility for the behavior of others (attacks, crying, etc). I would encourage my child that if they know they had argued in a fair and positive manner as described above, and someone else has not but rather has utilized attacks, crying, etc that this needs to be made known. It is unacceptable for an individual to be written up for the negative behavior, lack of coping skills, or emotional manipulation of another individual.

As other parents have shared on recent threads, it may be beneficial for children to be taught skills for working in groups, before the children are assigned to groupwork. If schools are not providing the necessary background for working in groups, conflict resolution, acceptable and unacceptable approaches, then parents may wish to do this. This may become increasingly important as schools may be recording many data points on our children, and the entry of false/inaccurate negative information may cast a long shadow on a child's future.

A teacher saying that someone "made" another cry is in itself a red flag, in that it holds one party responsible for the behavior of another. One does not "make" another cry, hit, use offensive language, etc. An accurate, unbiased statement may describe what one said or did. For example, X called Y a name... X rolled her eyes when Y was speaking... X refused to add Y's ideas to the list of Pros but only added each idea Y offered as a Pro to the list of Cons. Children, parents, and teachers may all need to be aware of "what they said" -vs- "what I heard".

In looking at both the freedom to establish organizational systems (and re-establish organizational systems in a re-iterative, refining process without feeling one was "wrong" about the previous setups)... and also at the freedom inherent in taking responsibility for one's own words and actions but not the words or actions of others... here I think of the positive "growth mindset" as opposed to a self-limiting fixed mindset.