Here's my long-winded experience:
I had this issue with my in-laws, though I wouldn't call them high-achieving per se (a GP and a lawyer turned home-maker), just professional class. The limited extent of DH's family's interaction is directed at propping up my father-in-law's cavernous inferiority complex. He's a legend in his own mind and has taught his family to be threatened by intelligence in others. Not pretty.
When my son first presented conspicuous signs of giftedness, like speaking in short phrases (like "read book" and "I love you") at 5 months, I was met with incredulity and outright scorn from my in-laws. I took a "water seeks its own level" approach and have let DS' precocity speak for itself while limiting our interactions. I just don't have the patience to suffer fools.
Suffice it to say, my in-laws have been blown away and forced to eat their words, though I think they *still* haven't adapted to the pace and level of interaction my son needs. They infantilize.
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For example, when playing with some trains with DS, a broken piece had to be removed from the set.
MIL said, "The train has an owie and has to go to the doctor."
*DS looks at her, perplexed*
I corrected her, "No. The axle on the locomotive is broken. It's being decommissioned and needs to be hauled to the roundhouse to be repaired by a mechanic; in this case, Mummy."
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Another example: my mother-in-law visited us briefly this week and was having trouble opening a collapsing seat that we keep in a storage closet. DS18mo figured out the mechanism and set up her chair for her, never before having seen it. I noticed her diction was more elevated after that...
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So, I guess to sum up my experiences, I speak to my son like a peer and assume he can do and understand anything with sufficient explanation. My in-laws tend to infantilize him, but I think they're genuinely trying to meet him at his level and just need to let go of their insecurities.
There's still an undertone of his being a "pet" or fascination to them, so I'm cautious to ensure their messaging never crosses over to "we love you because you're X or because you do X." That was the messaging my DH heard as a child, and it has been the root of considerable anguish for him throughout his life. In our house, the rule is that love is unconditional, and I expect extended family and friends to honour that code.
I have to crack the whip and tell people to stop quizzing him most visits, though I'm experimenting with a few ground-rule reminders at the beginning of visits. I want my son to value his mind and find joy in lifelong learning, but not be constrained by a self-limiting view of himself as being "only" intelligent.
Frankly, I'm relatively new at this parenting game, so I could probably benefit from *your* advice, Ametrine.
Last edited by aquinas; 05/04/13 08:01 PM.
