Honestly, he sounds like a jerk. I say that from the perspective as a counselor myself. No "one" program is going to fit perfectly for every kid or every family. It's sounds like he's a one-trick pony and doesn't quite know what to do if the trick doesn't get results.
Sometimes behavior modification just doesn't work, flat out. And it's not because the child is awful or the parent is awful - it's because "misbehaviors" arise from a lot of factors and the behav mod isn't or can't change the core impetus. If I have a neorological tic, it doesn't matter how many times someone threatens to zap me with a shock, I'm still going to tic...AND I'm probably going to tic worse because of the anticipation of getting in trouble.
I agree with JonLaw, you may find it's awesome to talk to parents in the same boat. I assure, there are many parents who feel beaten down and despondant because of everything you've mentioned. Oasis (Google "Oasis Aspergers") has links to parent support sites that might be really helpful to read. Or Google "Beyond Consequences". It's a webiste run by a psychotherapist who specializes with kids who don't "respond" to discipline the predicted way. She has a parent-tip email list for free...it's really nice. She gives supportive advice and comments that really can make a difference when you're in a place of desparation.
Hang in there..hugs.
