Oh, ouch, CCN. Your strategy for dealing with crying would be a disaster for my DS10. If your son truly can't help it, as mine can't, it doesn't really seem fair to get a punishment.
This is a good example of how we each tailor our approach to our own kids because they're all a little different
Mine
can help it. I've seen examples of this countless times. He's extremely sensitive, but he is also very strategic and plays me like a fiddle.
I agree with you in principle and I didn't use this approach when he was younger, but often when my DS says he "needs more time" it's because he's mad and is testing me. If he has had a recent consequence that is fresh in his mind, all of a sudden he doesn't "need more time."
But my son doesn't cry at school-- he avoids frustrating situations which might lead to crying.
Oh, that's good
Maybe because your DS is older, or just socially more savvy, I think.
Mine has several times. Here's one example: One day he angered the other boys in his class by turning the change room lights on and off repeatedly as they were changing for gym. So after class they all hid as he was coming into the change room and then jumped out and yelled boo so loudly that it scared him and made him cry. I didn't give him a consequence for that, obviously, but we discussed it at length: "what could you have done differently?" and "yes they were mean to do that, but do you see that you upset them first and are partially to blame?" etc etc.
Maybe that's the difference between our sons - yours is older and has better impulse control and avoids these situations to begin with. Mine still needs more intervention and sometimes consequences are the only thing that work.
He's involved with an extremely rigorous sport and it's not uncommon for the boys to cry when the going gets tough. Their coach just ignores it and the boys don't think anything about it.
I like that idea - there's no shame in crying in the right circumstance. Everyone cries sometimes, and here your son fits in with his peers.
Our advice to our son is to take deep breaths, walk away or think about something else for a while. We also remind him that he can't control other people, he can only control his behavior, and that seems to help.
Ditto for us. As I'm counting to five, I'm using a calm voice and coaching him to breathe. Sometimes when he and DS fight I send them to different rooms in the house for a cool down period.
Also I should mention that as I'm counting to five and telling him to breathe and calm down or risk a consequence, I'm also counting very slowly. Even if he is not pushing me and is instead having a sensitive moment, I give him ample time to calm down so that he can if he chooses to. If not, consequence. Life isn't always going to coddle him, so he needs to learn to pull himself together even when he's upset.
No one ever taught me that and it took me years, well into adulthood, before I could control my tears. Meanwhile I was "written off" in situations (i.e. work, social, etc) as being weak. Arrgh!! So not true! It takes strength to face and experience your emotions, but our society doesn't get that. Ah well. Must be chameleons or be ostracized I guess.
Anyway... we all parent from our own personal experiences
