How do others deal with their children's sensitivities? I have tried to be patient and understanding, tried a tough(er) love approach, tried rational discussions, and tried to teach him coping mechanisms- all to no avail. I don't know what else to do with a child who wears his heart on his sleeve every single day...

He's not around other children much, so I really think much of the problem stems from his unrealistic expectations for the behavior of his agemates. How do you explain to a child who expects fair play and rules to be enforced that children are just mean sometimes and not to take it personally? Because just telling him that hasn't worked.

Any advice from those of you who have dealt with these issues already is much appreciated.

Maybe try explaining that "it won't always feel like this."

Because fundamentally, some of this is asynchrony. Other kids will eventually catch up to notions of fair play and rules of conduct. Grown-ups don't act like that, (mostly-- er, and in front of others, I mean... Hmmm) after all.

As our children get older, they find that different aspects of their agemates 'fit' better-- and some fit worse, at least temporarily.

That's just part and parcel of what it means to be asynchronous, unfortunately.

Does your child have any chance to spend time with true peers? If not, I'd explore some ways to make that happen at least occasionally. That way he knows that he isn't a 'freak' or an anomoly, just different than most people he knows who are his age.

My biggest problem is dealing with my poor husband, who just doesn't understand our kids... but me, being a fellow sensitive giftie - I totally get it, and that's how I deal with the kids - by making sure that they know that I get it. I try to make them feel understood, and normal. "You're ok - there's nothing wrong with you. We're all unique, and some people are more sensitive than others. It gets easier..."

It's hard to see our kids hurt. My ds is sensitive, and I worry that this trait is particularly difficult for boys. I think practicing is the only way things have gotten better for him. Practicing with same -age peers and even practicing dealing with my dh's good -natured teasing has helped - slowly. We also use a concoction of empathy, humor, and tough love depending on the issue.

Hard to say if you can teach epiphanies. But I can share what just clicked for me one day when I was in grade school:
An emotional reaction to a situation depends on the situation and the interpretation of that situation.
You can rarely control the situation but you can take ownership of the interpretation.

If something unfair happens I can be sad about the injustice I've experience or I can hope that one day that person will learn to be fairer. I remember reflecting on things that made me sad and trying to figure out a point of view that wouldn't make me sad. I realized that often times I was sad for myself and that felt pretty selfish which really ran counter to my fledgling moral system.

Even when it was someone else in pain, I was seeing that often I was sadder about my disempowerment than their pain.

Yes. sigh. My DH has also helped in this regard because he's loud and also teases both kids (also good natured). Still, DS8 is more sensitive than other boys his age and I'm sad thinking that he'll be bullied and it will cause him pain.

I try and make him feel loved, and that he has a home to return to where he is unconditionally loved.

I also try and teach him (and DD9) to control his emotions. We talk about how it's ok to cry, everyone does, but if you cry too often some people will think you are weak (when you're actually not, but they don't know that). So, learn to control your behavior. Take a deep breath, and calm yourself down. etc etc. He's getting better.

In an effort to teach him skills that will protect him from peer abuse, I'll actually give out a consequence when he doesn't control his emotions. For example, today he wanted to leave the park before his sister and I said let's compromise and leave in ten minutes. He melted down completely. I gave him until the count of five to stop crying or he'd lose his computer for the rest of the day. He got more upset, saying he needed more time to calm down. Boom - no computer. Later on he cried again over losing a coin toss. I reminded him what had happened earlier when he failed to control his emotions, and voila - gone were the tears, instantly. He can stop crying at the drop of a hat when he chooses to.

The trick is how do I motivate him to control his emotions at school in front of his peers, when I'm not around to "manage" him? I was bullied for being a cry baby, and I'm female. I cringe when I think about what he may be up against.

Oh, ouch, CCN. Your strategy for dealing with crying would be a disaster for my DS10. If your son truly can't help it, as mine can't, it doesn't really seem fair to get a punishment. Plus, aren't sensitive men what women want? Of course every family and situation is different, so I don't know what happens in your house.

My son cries easily, too. (My husband is an admitted crier and cries at every emotional movie, so it's in the genes in addition to being one of my son's sensitivites.) We have talked to my son after the fact and ask him why his emotions were so strong and he says, "I think that's just the way I am." It is getting better over the years, though.

He hasn't faced bullying. I think a lot of boys still cry at this age. But my son doesn't cry at school-- he avoids frustrating situations which might lead to crying. That's what we've taught him, and what he naturally does. He's involved with an extremely rigorous sport and it's not uncommon for the boys to cry when the going gets tough. Their coach just ignores it and the boys don't think anything about it.

Our advice to our son is to take deep breaths, walk away or think about something else for a while. We also remind him that he can't control other people, he can only control his behavior, and that seems to help.

This is a good example of how we each tailor our approach to our own kids because they're all a little different

Mine can help it. I've seen examples of this countless times. He's extremely sensitive, but he is also very strategic and plays me like a fiddle.

I agree with you in principle and I didn't use this approach when he was younger, but often when my DS says he "needs more time" it's because he's mad and is testing me. If he has had a recent consequence that is fresh in his mind, all of a sudden he doesn't "need more time."



Oh, that's good Maybe because your DS is older, or just socially more savvy, I think.

Mine has several times. Here's one example: One day he angered the other boys in his class by turning the change room lights on and off repeatedly as they were changing for gym. So after class they all hid as he was coming into the change room and then jumped out and yelled boo so loudly that it scared him and made him cry. I didn't give him a consequence for that, obviously, but we discussed it at length: "what could you have done differently?" and "yes they were mean to do that, but do you see that you upset them first and are partially to blame?" etc etc.

Maybe that's the difference between our sons - yours is older and has better impulse control and avoids these situations to begin with. Mine still needs more intervention and sometimes consequences are the only thing that work.


I like that idea - there's no shame in crying in the right circumstance. Everyone cries sometimes, and here your son fits in with his peers.



Ditto for us. As I'm counting to five, I'm using a calm voice and coaching him to breathe. Sometimes when he and DS fight I send them to different rooms in the house for a cool down period.

Also I should mention that as I'm counting to five and telling him to breathe and calm down or risk a consequence, I'm also counting very slowly. Even if he is not pushing me and is instead having a sensitive moment, I give him ample time to calm down so that he can if he chooses to. If not, consequence. Life isn't always going to coddle him, so he needs to learn to pull himself together even when he's upset.

No one ever taught me that and it took me years, well into adulthood, before I could control my tears. Meanwhile I was "written off" in situations (i.e. work, social, etc) as being weak. Arrgh!! So not true! It takes strength to face and experience your emotions, but our society doesn't get that. Ah well. Must be chameleons or be ostracized I guess.

Anyway... we all parent from our own personal experiences

Being a boy/ man in our society is hard. I initially thought that my sometimes "suck it up approach" with my ds was potentially gender-motivated. But I find myself parenting my dd the same. I see that helping my kids "move on" from the occassional stubbed toe, breakdown over too much ketchup on the plate, need for tylenol at the slightest hint of an ache is helping them learn to tolerate frustration and self-regulate their reactions based proportionally on the problem. My kids are not on the spectrum, dealing with severe sensory issues, or other struggles that would make it much harder for them to, "suck it up."

I'm sure different kids need different levels of pushing.

Thanks so much for the feedback, I really appreciate it.

My son doesn't actually cry most of the time, but he does get his feelings hurt easily and feels the other kids target him at times. We've had the "I feel like an outsider" and "I don't fit in" conversations already, and I understand that is still a problem.

But at this point, I think he feels targeted when it's really, honestly just kids being kids. Kids taunt/tease each other when they get out in four square and when they are beaten in a foot race. He thinks it juvenile, says he knows he was out, Anna knows she lost the race, etc. and that it doesn't need to be pointed out. I think at this point we have to just work with him so that he understands that kids ARE juvenile!

If it turns out to be that he is actually being targeted and bullied, then that's a different story and we will have to address that then. Thanks again!

Just a quick add-on about crying. As a super sensitive/empathetic person, I have always struggled with controlling my tears. My feelings were easily hurt as a child, and as an adult I chose a workplace that involved strong emotions.... good and bad. I had a co-worker share a tip with me when age realized how much I struggled. It is physically impossible to cry and do mental math at the same time. When you feel the burn inside the nose that signals the tears are near, begin to recite multiplication tables in your head. After 10+ years in the NICU, I have memorized up to the 28 times tables, but I have not cried during an emergency baptism in over 9 years!

This tip has saved my career. No joke.

This is probably one of the most interesting human mind factoids that I've ever encountered.

That and the "how to regulate your temperature" trick.

BTDT.

Our ds12 has always been a wonderfully sensitive guy. He definitely does not fit in with the typical crowd, but over time has found some other kids in our neighborhood who get him. But there were definitely times he'd come home completely perplexed and sad about the lack of fair play and niceness among most of the other kids. Kids can really be NOT NICE.

The things I guess I'd keep an eye on are whether your son has at least 2-3 friends that he can touch base with regularly to not feel so different and 'picked on'. In early elementary, our son did not and he was pretty sad about it. (actually depressed, though he is much better now). Coming out of my own shell to make sure he had regular playdates and now time to 'hang out' has been hard, but necessary.

Sometimes his descriptions of problems would seem like he was making too much of a big deal about something, so we had to walk a fine line between respecting his reactions/feelings and helping him see things from the perspective of other kids.

Yes This is the amygdala (anxiety brain region) Vs. whatever brain region does math... this is what enables me to board airplanes (they PETRIFY me).

Specifically I use a technique taught at my kids' school designed to reduce anxiety called "square breathing" ...4 counts in, 4 counts held, 4 counts out, 4 counts held, repeat (over and over, if you're me at an airport )

They use the simple square breathing so that it reaches everyone, not just the math kids. It does the same thing. As my doc says, there is solid scientific evidence that it works. It's reciprocal brain metabolism, or something like that, I'm assuming... when you count (or do math), it wakes up the "math" region while it powers down the amygdala.

(Interestingly, I recall reading somewhere that the amygdala is also partially involved in learning and that giftedness can result in increased activity in the amygdala). Explains a lot.

What's this one?

Oh my gosh. I don't believe it. I hate it, but I cry for things in movies. I mean, I don't cry but I do get the burning and sometimes a tear also. I just tried this math trick and it totally works.

OMG me too, I sometime cry (tear up) at the stupidest things –one time a coffee commercial set me off…it’s embarrassing. I can't wait to try this!


Yes, please tell us Jon, this skill could be a real life saver for me

That is absolutely BRILLIANT. Where was your coworker thirty years ago?!

I have no idea how it's done, just that there's some sort of mental trick so that you can increase your body temperature.

I think the monks who meditate for hours in the cold with only a think coat are able to do it.

I don't know whether you can make your internal temperature *colder*.

Some of you might be interested in Elaine Aron's work on highly sensitive people. She has a PhD in clinical psychology and has written a book on parenting the highly sensitive child. I found that her work gave me a bit more insight on not only my son, but also myself. Her website is here: http://www.hsperson.com/

My DD is like this. She's not only bothered by it for herself, but for other kids, too. It really upsets her when it happens to her friends, and even other kids she doesn't really know. I think it bothers her much more than it does them, and she does not participate in it. ( But she can be mean as heck to her brother. That's the only setting where I see her do that kind of intentional kid-on-kid aggravation/torment.)

Math vs crying - love it! I also have a tearjerking job. I did ok until I had kids...now I am so much more quick to tears. I'll add this to my therapist bag of tricks, along with yawning with my mouth closed.

A clinical supervisor I once had discussed there was some way to prevent migraines (of which I suffer), by keeping the temperature one's hands consistently warm through mediation (apparently sitting on them doesn't cut it).