Good Mornnig AnneMarie,
It's too bad that your school is so into balancing! I have lots and lots of ideas, but the first one is to start thinking about LOG, level of giftedness. Think about the shape of the bell curve. It predicts that most kids will closer to the middle. Even at the tail, most of the kids in the tail with be on the side closest to the middle. So if you are lucky, your daughter is advanced, but advanced in a way that is somewhat 'normal and expected' and very often the teachers will be able to provide enrichment to met her needs, which combined with what you do at home, summers, afterschool, will give her 'enough' opportunities to work at her readiness level, so that she learns how to learn.
It's true that many school teachers are quite invested in 'not seeing' that kids of more unusual LOG exist and have special educational needs, so you do have a tough road ahead with your DH. Time to start asking questions about his childhood, and his relatives' experiences, and telling stories about your own. If he 'gets your jokes' then likely he is a similar LOG to you, even if he wasn't identified as a Gifted Child. But maybe he was the youngest by chance, or lived in a district that had a higher average than your current district. Also ask him about students from his past experience who didn't have a good work ethic, but were bright.
Bottom Line: It's a journey, go slow and expect it to take a while, for both of you. Figure out the best way for you to share book info with him - do you preread and share passages? do you give him books and say: "You're the expert - can you read this and give me some perspective on it." One of the sad things in this situation, is that if one parent (often Mom) gets concerned and goes into mama-lion, hyper-learning mode, and becomes convinsed of a perspective, the other parent can feel 'left behind.' Due to Sexism, it's really hard for many men to fully back the hard work that women do to 'figure all this out.' And of course we feel hurt by that. Plus we feel scared because we percieve our children as underattack. So the goal is to learn, and lead your family without leaving DH in the dust. In otherwords, Job One is to document the 'problem' in enough detail to make sure that DH is as emotionally upset about it as you are. That may mean having him spend time at the school and observe first hand, or setting up a playdate with some 'friends' that it's his turn to 'be in charge of' while you go get a pedicure, or something. Complaints of boredom can mean lots of different things. Document in as much detail as you can. Is she 'out of it' socially because she is younger? I was at that age, yet I needed to be where I was for the academics. ((shrug))
Well, that's enough for now, but you can get more of an insight into LOG through testing or you can try a more controversial 'home brew' approach - The checklists start about halfway down the page:
http://www.educationaloptions.com/levels_giftedness.htm It's a bit tough to understand, but the book it's based on goes into much more detail -
Losing our Minds, gifted children left behind, by Dr.Deb Ruf
Best Wishes
Grinity
