I apologise in advance that this is long. My head is spinning madly with all of this and I just can't figure out what to do...

My middle daughter is nearly 5 and currently attending preschool at the school where she will continue into reception (Kindy in the US). Due to the odd rules of our state, and her being born in July, she is due to start reception in July (mid year for us) and then do six terms of reception/kindy.

At the end of last year we felt she was ready for school this year and yr1 next year. We raised the question of readiness with preschool staff but were assured that although yes possibly she was ready technically speaking, she was too young to go up and more to the point:

a) more preschool was always good
b) more reception set children up wonderfully for school.

We allowed ourselves to be convinced, assuming that all parents think their child is wonderfully bright and the teachers knew of what they spoke (Mistake!).

Socially, all of the children she had made friends with at Preschool were moving to reception, and she really wanted to go. We felt sad for her that she would lose her friends, go back with them July-Dec and then be separated again when they went to yr1 and she went on for more reception. We went on Summer break vaguely concerned but assuming the teachers were right and it would be ok.

Then we had her assessed by an OT in January (to rule out sensory issues that her elder sister has, just being extra cautious getting ready for school). The OT agreed with us that she should be in school (we didn't ask, they volunteered the opinion) and recommended an Ed Psych assessment for giftedness. We immediately booked her in with a psychologist and tried again to get her moved to January reception start. Unfortunately at this point it was 3 days before school was due to start for the year and we had only our own opinion and that of an OT... So no dice.

At the end of last term we finally got her in to the psych for testing. VIQ 142, PIQ 136, FSIQ138 on the WIPPSI, maths and reading age about 1yr advanced (ie exactly where she should be if she were in reception at the time). And that was with her refusing to complete some tests. The psychologist also agreed she was ready for school now and should not do six terms of reception... So we had acceptable evidence - but the principle was on long service leave!

The psych report stated two terms of reception would be sufficient and DD could simply start in July as planned, then move to yr1 next year. Which academically is certainly likely to be true. However, we were very concerned about the social impact and felt it was best for DD to be put back with the cohort she would go through the rest of her schooling with ASAP, and for her to do as close to a full year of reception as possible. Term one was awful for her socially and she was hating going to preschool (after loving it for the previous 18 months) so we just wanted her out of there.

We finally got to speak to the principle first week of this term, where we pushed to have her moved effective immediately. He acknowledged that she had indeed been ready for school in Jan, and was now; However, he insisted that as all the existing reception classes were full she would have to stay in preschool until July, as planned, but that there would be room in yr1 next year so she would only do two terms of reception. He assured us that all the reception classes spent lots of time together and she would be well integrated with the cohort she was moving on with at the end of year. We weren't thrilled but figured that that at least getting her needs acknowledged and getting from 6 down to 2 terms of reception was a win.

Fast forward to this week (week three of term), I have just come home from the orientation to reception for parents.

1) DDs reception class will have one more student than the "full" classes she could not possibly be moved to because the other parents would have a hissy fit (it's a private school, we are paying for the small class sizes, parents do fuss, which is why we accepted "classes too full" as an argument).

2) All the parents who are anxious their new reception kids not be overwhelmed by the kids that have already been in reception for 6 months were assured that no, our kids will not spend too much time with the other reception kids - the very same kids that I was assured my DD would be spending "lots" of time with. They are in a different building too, while the other reception kids are all closely grouped physically/spatially.

I am SO cranky.

BUT, my DD is having a much better time at preschool this term socially. I am concerned that she is finally going to settle with these kids and not want to move on from them at the end of the year.

Also, it has also come to our attention that perhaps she has mild selective mutism, which would go a long way to explaining why preschool completely missed her giftedness. I worry school will use this as an argument for "being older and more mature is a good thing".

She's very bright (duh) but she's not yet a glaringly high achiever and so we can't really have any idea of whether she ever will be. We also can't really tell whether she has extreme social anxiety/selective mutism or is already "hiding"... Maybe she needs more time to gain confidence, maybe she needs to get out of there NOW.

Long term I feel she is far more likely to be better off being one of the youngest in her class than one of the eldest and I think the best way to achieve that is by early entry.

I don't know whether to go back to school and insist that if one of the classes is going to have 17 kids then it can be any one of those classes not just the late start one and they must move her NOW. Or whether they are right and all this extra preschool is a wonderful thing.

If you read all that I am grateful, if you have advice I will be more grateful still.