Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Death Threats in Public School-Homeschoolers HELP!

I think we are about done with the public school forum.

Our son received a death threat last week from a child at his school. This was delivered via a "thug" that our son has had interaction with last year.

We called in the local authorities to talk to the principal and the kids involved, but the principal is not very responsive to us thus far. In the past, we told him our child has past "issues" with the children involved and suggested ideas to separate the kids. He did nothing.

Now this.

I must say our child is likely a HSC (Highly Sensitive Child) as defined by Elaine Aron. He has had incidents of crying in class that have made him a target of teasing..."You're a cry-baby, like a third grader."

So we are looking into an online school. So far, it's much better than I expected. A lot more opportunity for our kid to interact with others who may be more "civilized" and interested in activities he enjoys.

My dilemma is I am an introvert by nature. I REALLY NEED my alone time and I just foresee day after day of some kind of interaction with others (my own kid included) that I really don't think I can handle.

Is there any homeschoolers out here that can give me some support? I just know this is the direction we are going. I will be home alone with our child and my husband will be working.

Seriously, I feel panicky. Please help.

First, I'm sorry you and your child have had to go through this disturbing experience at school. Whether or not he exhibits behavioral patterns that increase his visibility as a target, it is not his fault when someone else chooses to use threatening language or actions toward him. I hope he is understanding the message that you are doing what you need to do to keep him safe, including possibly homeschooling.

With regard to your alone time: sometimes you can prepare the homeschooling scenario for your child in terms of "going to work". If he is sufficiently independent to do online school with minimal hands-on support from you, you may be able to set up a room with a door to be his "office"--or a room with a door to be -your- office. During "work hours", you each go to your office and do your work. Maybe you come out and chat for a few minutes during morning coffee/milk break, lunch, and afternoon snack time, but while at work, you each do your work.

You can also just say that the morning is school (most kids on this forum can probably finish a day's worth of online school in 3 or 4 hours, or less), and then the afternoon is his free reading, creative, or workshop time. Provide him with the necessary materials/books/workspace, and then say that this is your time to recharge yourself in your way (aka, alone), and his time to recharge himself in his own (safe, obviously) ways, or work on personal interest projects, for a couple of hours.

You might give a few minutes to thinking about exactly how much solitude you require per day for your own mental health, and then try to either set up his school day with those office hours in mind, or perhaps have a conversation with your husband about setting aside some alone time for yourself when he's home from work.

Depending on his age, you can also look for drop-off enrichment classes or clubs in your homeschool or larger community (they do exist in many places), to give yourself an hour or two during the week where he's engaged in something outside of the home. Try also museums, libraries, afterschool programs, even some stores (Lego, Apple, Joann Fabrics, Michael's, Hobby Lobby, Lowe's, Home Depot).

Our DD did online school, and it was as aeh suggested - she sat at a desk in her bedroom to attend lessons, with the door closed to eliminate background noise. She did her assigned work at the same desk.

Given that she could work at her own pace, it didn't take up an outrageous amount of her day, so there was a lot more free time than she'd have had in school. Her mother was also a first stop for any questions, who was also expected to be a sort of facilitator between DD and the school.

Bottom line, her mom found a lot of time for other things through the day, less so than when DD attended a brick-and-mortar. But being there for our kids is part of the responsibility we assume when we create them.

I’m sorry you are in this situation.

aeh’s advice is good. Get a schedule in place, a dedicated place to work (or two, if you have them) from the beginning. Some exercise in that schedule might be helpful for both of you.

Although, it is true that many kids here may do their work very fast, if your child is a perfectionist, or distracted, they may require more supervision.

Can you schedule alone time in the evenings or weekends?

I'm appalled at the response you've gotten from the school, as I'm sure you are. Have you filed a complaint against the principal with the district? The principal is responsible for enforcing safety standards in school, and his behaviour belies a troubling disregard for his duty of care to the students under his watch. Death threats are no trivial matter, and there should be a serious disciplinary intervention to address the problem behaviours so that the issue is never repeated, either with your child or others.

It's wonderful that you have the ability to homeschool and remove your son from such a negative environment, and I applaud you for taking that step. Your son will benefit.

As to homeschooling, it will involve significant time with your child, and you'll need to honestly self-assess to determine whether it's a fit for your family. I don't recall your son's age exactly, but as both a former SAH homeschooler and a single parent who homeschooled part-time while teleworking, I can suggest the following broad strokes of what worked for us:

1. Set up a dedicated work space for your child to work in uninterrupted. All work is done in that space to clearly separate work and leisure areas in the house.

2. Plan out a consistent daily schedule for your child, and provide clear instructions and demonstrations of the work expected. This will empower your son to focus and provide an effective effort in the allotted class time. You might be in the room or general vicinity in the house doing an independent activity at that time. School work will probably occupy at least 3 hours a day and, with good work habits, that will give you a substantial envelope of solo time each day.

3. Depending on how your own schedule is formatted, plan to incorporate some physical activity regularly throughout the day to promote focus and enjoyment. This might look like the two of you going for a bike ride for an hour before your start time; taking an extra-long lunch break to shoot some hoops together/kick around a ball/go for a run together; or attending a martial arts or yoga class together after school. Getting in this time will cover multiple bases--you'll both get exercise and practice in sports, you'll burn off steam and, most importantly, you'll have a great time together.

4. Arrange a set time (say, half an hour) every school day for your son to "present" independent research results to you. This is a great opportunity for him to synthesize his results, prepare a storyboard, practice public speaking, and get the attention and validation he needs and craves. It validates his efforts, gives him an opportunity to access feedback, is terrific practice in presenting, it acts as a springboard to great discussions to extend content, and gives him an incentive to get his work done (because having a poor presentation is embarrassing).

As to scheduling in alone time, I think you're going to have to do a personal inventory of your son's needs and yours and honestly evaluate where each of you will have to bend. You don't mention whether your need for alone time is motivated by personal preference or a need to balance telework with your son's homeschooling; that context would be helpful for me in terms of providing feedback in that area.

I am so sorry your son had to deal with this. The behavior is not acceptable. I am happy to see you are planning to pull him from the toxic situation.

What are the things that you need to do to decompress? Are they activities that you and your DS can do in parallel? For example, if reading is your decompression time, then set aside a time period to read everyday, then afterward, talk about what you just read. Or if you need physical activity, then is there something you can do together? For example, can you both go swimming or hiking or take a yoga class together? Or if you paint, is there an art thing he can do at the same time?

Communication and boundaries are your friend. You will have to make adjustments. Make sure to check in frequently to see if things are working for both of you and if not, what needs to change.

Does your DS also need a lot of down time? Mine loves his block of time to pursue his interest. He insists it stays as part of our schedule.

Online classes definitely open blocks of time for you.

That is something I hadn't considered; although I now remember seeing classes offered at Joann Fabrics, and Lowe's. I suppose my mindset is stuck in the B&M schools and I need to be more aware of "school hours" opportunities.

Our son already has his own "office" set up with desk, computer and chalkboard. We were just talking this morning about getting one of those sitting balls for him since he will be spending much more time at the desk. The current steno chair from the 1980's won't cut it.

Working at his own pace sounds so wonderful. We have been wanting to place him in music lessons and a martial art, but the time structure he's been locked into has been prohibitive.

Thank you for your sympathy. Really no child should have to endure what our son has. I found out he kept most of the past bullying to himself! No reporting done on any of it. No wonder he broke down in class upset when the health textbook asked about self-esteem.

He's not a perfectionist, but very conscientious about completing his work. He has told me not to worry about his not getting the assignments done.

I've had some heart-to-heart conversations with my husband about my alone time needs and I think he understands our family is about to go through a change of flow. He's completely dedicated to me and DS, so I know we can get through this. He knows I need time to "catastrophize" the worst-case scenario to work through a new change.

Thanks for your sympathy, too. I'm also appalled. The principal told my husband that they have teachers watching the kids, but quote, "we can't watch them all the time." Disclaimer! So in other words, if we send him back, and the kid in question sticks a knife in his side at lunchtime, you will say you told us so?

I don't know if my husband (who has handled the communication with the principal thus far) will file a complaint. He may decide to forgo the aggravation. However, he has said our son's teachers should know the reason we are pulling him...not mentioning names of the perps...but letting them know our son experienced this.


I read this someplace else and thought it was an excellent idea. Our DS is in the process of starting a local rocketry club with his dad and having him do some presentations would really benefit him!

Toxic is right. I thought because he is an only child that he needed to be around kids for socialization. But upon reading some blogs about children who are bullied at school, so-called "negative socialization" can actually be experienced by kids that are different. I suppose since DS is such a soft heart and nice to others, I naively thought he would avoid that.


I do have a special art that I want to share with him now that he's old enough. I think that having him home will free up considerable time to train him in that art. That makes me REALLY happy.


He loves anything to do with computers and the iPad. I think he would enjoy learning how to write code during his down time, but if he does cyber-schooling, I don't know if I would be thrilled with more screen time!

My child homeschooled 1st through 4th grade and there was a younger sibling aged 1-4. Not sure of your child’s age but we instituted after lunch quiet hour. No one had to take a nap (I certainly did most of the time) but there was no noise and everyone had to retreat to their own room. Reading, quiet play, napping were all acceptable—nothing electronic. I set the timer on the stove for an hour (sometimes if they weren’t watching I would set it for an hour and a half). Omg the joy of one hour of no one talking to me....recharged me for the rest of the day.

Also, in my area we did twice a week homeschool PE. We did one through parks and rec. and we did one gymnastics one at a gymnastics gym. Oh, we also did one kid fit program at my health club. Look around for programs in various places (parks and rec, health clubs, ymca, libraries). One city over had PE, art programs, and science nature programs weekly for homeschool students through the parks and rec department. Museums, science centers, libraries are all good places to look for programs.

Along with all the excellent suggestions and support above, I suggest that you implement music lessons and martial arts into his schedule for multiple reasons - his own enrichment as well as decompression time and a break for you. For music lessons, if he is old enough to handle his daily practice with just a little oversight from you, that could be time that you spend on your own. Many music teachers are so busy in the evenings when public schools let out - so, it would be very easy for you to get a great teacher because of the flexible schedule that you will have.

And martial arts is not only an excellent sport, it is also great in instilling self-confidence and self-esteem. You can either drop your son off at martial arts or you can join him in the classes.

I think that you can incorporate a lot of such activities in his schedule to make time for you to decompress, get alone time and also to do things with your son if you would like to.

Everyone has covered the "homeschooling" angle but what have been done for his HSC? The home schooling and online schooling just for me seems to put off your child's problem. I am not trying to be insensitive if it comes out that way.

Do you mean it puts off his ability to deal with escalating bullying and a death threat? How many adults would appreciate being forced to endure an environment like that? They wouldn't. They would get a divorce, find a new job, move out of an apartment building, etc. Sure, some would get a restraining order, but if the perp continued to violate it, and the police said they can't do anything about it until he commits bodily harm, what would the rational response be? To leave the situation.

It's ironic that the school's walls are plastered with colorful anti-bullying posters and yet it continues with teachers looking the other way. The Sheriff also told us that he couldn't do any more than talk to the kids and write a report. A crime hadn't been committed. Yet.

So, while you may not mean to be insensitive, your thought that I should continue to place my child in that environment day after day and tell him he needs to "deal with it" would be taken as very insensitive to his need for understanding and above all, his need for us to be his safety advocate.

Is it any wonder kids feel the need to bring weapons to school for protection when the adults in their lives refuse to protect them?

I did not see nicoledad's post recommending that you place your child in danger. I understood the post to be gently questioning why you did not ask other parents on the forum what action(s) you might take to help a Highly Sensitive Child (HSC) learn better ways to manage himself, deal with disappointment, etc, which in turn may avoid situations such as A child crying in public* at age 10 is a problem to be addressed. Have you talked with him about what he feels before he cries and what other actions he might choose to take to express his feelings and remedy the situation? For example, if the class is coloring and someone took a crayon color he wanted to use, does he cry? Does he choose to color another part of his picture and ask to have the desired crayon next? If the teacher calls on him and he wasn't paying attention, does he cry? Etc.

* there are a limited number of situations under which a person may be given a pass for crying in public. Death of a parent, sibling, close friend, possibly even a pet are some examples. Sudden severe injury/pain may be another.

This line of thinking is problematic: call it revenge or retaliation, it is wrong. There is no extenuating circumstance which makes it OK to justify this.

People need to learn to handle disappointment without losing their composure or lashing out at others. Learning to anticipate the likely consequences of one's actions is key to conducting one's self appropriately. Many people learn by observing those around them (as if by osmosis) and others may need or benefit from direct teaching, counseling, therapy, etc.

Escalation to violence of any type is not acceptable. Use of weapons of any type is a course of action which does not resolve a person's bitter feelings but rather results in further social isolation.

Indigo. You are correct. My intent was never meant to put a child in danger. I also agree with both of your responses

I did not take that quote as justifying violence. The poster may have been saying that they are intervening where the school failed to — which does model an acceptable way to get out of a very dire situation (without using violence).

THIS is a parent describing intervening where the school failed to:
THIS does not model an acceptable way to get out of a very dire situation (without using violence):
The phrase "Is it any wonder..." is typically used to justify, support, side with, show understanding and empathy for... whatever follows that phrase.
In the specific case at hand... justifying a child bringing a weapon to school.
Not OK.

I agree that I would not support a child (or anyone else) taking a weapon to school or being violent. However, I was taking all the information in the thread into account when I made my judgement about the quoted statement.

Leaving the current school for homeschool or another type of schooling is modeling how to get out of a dire school setting.

I could be wrong, but I would rather give them the benefit of the doubt.

Great.

There is no extenuating circumstance which makes it OK to justify taking a weapon to school. None.

How about when my teenager didn't think about why he shouldn't bring a paring knife to school to cut up his apple at lunchtime? (He didn't get caught, and will not make that particular mistake again, but I was pretty shocked. Nevertheless, I think he probably deserves the benefit of the doubt for that stunt.)

But that is where I disagree with you. I don’t think the poster was trying to justify taking a weapon to school. After considering your argument, I still do not see the quoted statement, in the context of this thread, as a justification in any way, shape or form.

That is where I am giving them the benefit of the doubt, as I would hope anyone would do for me, considering the very stressful situation they are navigating.

I might or might not bow out of the original topic of the thread, but I most definitely will bow out of this tangent.

LOL, a paring knife to cut up his apple at lunchtime is quite different than bringing weapons to school for protection... unless your child needed protection from his apple at lunchtime.

While I understand that the school may have a zero-tolerance policy for knives of any kind... or knives which are not the disposable plastic type often dispensed with fast-food, carryout, etc, and therefore may classify (or mis-classify) all knives as weapons (because they COULD be used as weapons, although that was not the bringer's intent)... that is a different topic than what the OP mentioned... which was bringing weapons to school as a response to bullying: The intent stated here was "bring weapons to school for protection". This type of talk begins to turn the tables and cast the victim as the bully. There is no extenuating circumstance which makes it OK to justify taking a weapon to school. None.

Far from being off-topic, this series of posts (initiated by the OP's statement about taking weapons to school for protection) continues the thread's theme of death threats in public school... and bullying... but has a bullying victim recast as a bully, bringing weapons to school. Not OK.

Any statements about bringing weapons to school need to be refuted, especially by the gifted community... as articles about school massacres often mention the perp(s) being gifted... and bullied. This can unjustly cast suspicion on many innocent gifted kids. To help alleviate this, it is best for the gifted community to take a strong united stand against bringing weapons to school. Example of article mentioning perps as gifted:

Good point about how suspicions could possibly be cast on innocent GT students.

But I don't think the OP intended to imply that bringing weapons to school was somehow justified. The key word is "feel", that was used in her question, "Is it any wonder kids feel the need to bring weapons to school for protection?" So she is suggesting that the feeling may be justified, not actually bringing weapons in.

I am certainly against kids bringing weapons to school, but think it's an important question to address. Everyone is entitled to their feelings, and if kids truly feel this way, it shouldn't be denied. The question it leads to is really - how do we create and support school environments so kids don't feel this way? At least that's how I interpreted it.

Is it any wonder that some might feel a need to disagree that this is an OK statement, given the climate of school massacres perpetuated by supposedly gifted children who were bullied:

I'm going to lock this thread.