Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Hate to be corrected

This may be true or your mom may have forgotten. My mom also didn't recognize my son's intensity in me or my brothers. Of course, that isn't how I remember things - one of my brother's had a terrible temper - used to turn bright red - and DM used to send me to him to 'jolly him up.'

I used to return 'helpful advice' such a the above with a very defensive 'Well, that's because you were so much better a parent than I am - what do you expect?' or 'Gee, Mom, do you have to rub it in? I'm insecure enough as it is?' and it was so over the top that we could both laugh. As the only daughter and oldest, my Mom and I were always very competitive. The alternative is to just agree that your DS is 'an unusual boy' and ask for any respite care your mom will give!

See if you can get any family movies to watch and if you are lucky, you might get your mom talking about some beautiful forgotten memories.

Peace,
Grinity

I was just reading
http://www.shulamit.info/funnel.htm
an analogy of why highly gifted kids seem to be so immature so much of the time....really liked it.
G

My DS is 2yr 10mo and we have to be super careful in how we reprimand him. Using too harsh a tone of voice or a disapproving face upsets him greatly. He was excused from the dinner table for refusing to eat and throwing food a few weeks ago. His father was very calm and did not lose his temper in the least, but DS's feelings were so hurt that it turned into an hour long sob fest that required physical consoling to calm him down. He is devastated to get into trouble.

DD8 was and is similar. In my opinion, this is normal behaviour... but my definition of normal is obviously very skewed!!

Hello Baby, I hadn't seen your last post when I made my post. Your son sounds very similar to my daughter at that age. She still sucks her thumb at night time and for all the reasons already given, we let her. Some times she'll use it at other times when she's really tired or stressed, but otherwise you never see her sucking her thumb. I guess I would wonder too if insisting on it not being used might make it more difficult for him to stop using it rather than more, as the insistence creates more stress for him? I like the idea of a calm spot - might introduce that one here.

DD5.5 is still a bit of a hitter (perhaps a couple of times a month and only to dh and I as she bottles everything up to be 'very, very good' elsewhere). She tends to hit when she is really frustrated. I remember being the same when I was a kid and I can still feel the sense of relief that came with a physical reaction to my frustration (and even now, I will often exercise or do some kind of vigorous activity to calm myself down). My husband comes down on dd like a ton of bricks for any kind of hitting, where as I am more inclined to help her find another outlet for it. For example I encourage her to punch a pillow when she's very frustrated and I can see her itching to release it in some way (rightly or wrongly, this seems very effective) and we ensure she gets lots of physical activity every day (though she never seems to get enough - she could, and has, literally run all day). I have no real idea, but I do wonder if dd's kind of uncontrolled hitting has something to do with a combination of emotional and psychomotor over excitabilities. Certainly hitting in our house is unacceptable if it is a conscious decision that has been made (which we had a short lived period of), but most often when dd hits it is quite obvious that has lost control and we need to take another approach. Obviously she is older than your son, but once we have resolved whatever caused the frustration we talk about how she felt when she hit out, how she might have felt in the past when someone has hit her, how the person she hit might have felt and whether or not she feels and apology is appropriate.

We have found routine (x number of books at bed time, x amount of screen time, special cereal only one day on the weekend, x activity after school on y day) very effective in reducing dd's frustrations and we warn her when things are no likely to go to plan. Now she's bigger we have her participate in making decisions around routine. Our routine and her involvement also allows us to calmly walk away when dd looses it because she's not getting what she wants and what she wants is outside of the realms of what was agreed (i.e. if she wants to watch an extra half hour of TV, read for an extra 15 minutes at bed time etc). She's had what was agreed, so I'll calmly explain that I understand she's disappointed but that I'm ready to move on to whatever else we're doing once she's calm. Then I leave her to it and get on with my own thing (it took practice not to get drawn back in). Once she's ready I give her a big hug, chat about it if it's necessary or appropriate and get on with the next activity. I can't say whether or not it has reduced the number of melt downs or whether that has just been because of her maturing, but it does prevent the two of us getting more and more frustrated with each other!

I'll make a call on what is causing this...frustration with impulse control! He knows what is right, but has difficulty controlling himself still.

My son did the same thing. (reiterating his bad behavior as he cried over it).

Another thought: If your child is very self-aware, he may be embarrassed to be reprimanded in front of other people. I once read that a parent, who for instance, has an "issue" arise with her child when his friends are over, should take him aside privately to talk it over. In other words, help them to "save face".

Another example: My son used to say things to me that made me cry. My husband went in and had a private conversation with him on how he hurt me with his "choice of words", and suggested other things to say to get his point across without hurting feelings.

Possibly, you could give your child other ideas to get his feelings across without hitting. Maybe something as simple as having him actually say "I'm angry!" or "I want more!". Then give him lots of positive feedback for using his "words" and not hitting.

BTW...I always try to give my son something to look forward to. If I tell him story time is over, I will tell him tomorrow night he can have two books. Or if I tell him he can't have a cookie now, I will give him an exact time he can.

I found that helped him a lot, and shut down the tantrum quickly.

I've noticed this with dd5, the feeling that she doesn't want to apologize because it will mean she really did something wrong, there is something wrong with her, she is a bad person, etc..(from what I can gather).. If I have my wits about me when something like this happens, I control my tone, expression etc., to make it sound like we 'are all reasonable people here, nothing HORRIBLE has happened!', bit of a smile, '**But** you do need to know that is wrong, and to please apologize so we can all keep playing/shopping, etc.'.

It is hard for me, she drives me kind of crazy and I tend to overreact, but that is usually the quickest path to her digging in her heals. Sigh. I am learning, slowly.

I find this normal also. Young children do have a hard time apologizing and break down afterwards but it changing as they age a few years and they accept this is responsible behavior.

I have held DD many a times after I made her apologize because she totally broke down when she was 3, even 4 but now she gets it at 6. I remember she was around 4 when she made a comment to a little boy she knew, who has one arm, about how he couldn't do something because of one arm. I explained why she hurt his feelings and she had to apologize. I almost had to drag her back to do it and it was really hard for her but she did it, then totally broke down but it was the right thing to do and today they are still friends.

Valuable lesson to learn to apologize at an early age.

Ren

I am not overly concerned about him hitting or refusing to apologize. I think those are pretty normal at his age.

I just don't understand why he breaks down after being (calmly) corrected. I guess he takes the corrections very personally.

Hitting or refusing to apologize is not acceptable in society.

You are taking my post totally out of context.

I never said those are acceptable behavior even for a child, and I do discipline my child when he misbehaves.